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The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.

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Health experts warn that this season’s flu shot may only be 10% effective preventing the most common strain of flu; experts also warn that this doesn’t mean you should get ten of them.

More pregnant women are using marijuana, according to medical journal JAMA, and according to the child’s father’s claims that baby’s first word is ‘dude’.

A North Korean soldier who defected to South Korea was found to have Anthrax antibodies in his system, found in his stomach as part of the North Korean cereal he ate for breakfast.

A Pennsylvania woman received a $284 billion electric bill, and still wasn’t warm enough.

President Trump tweeted that Republicans and Democrats will work together on a terrific new health care program – presumably, for each other.

Amazon revealed that its top-selling item this holiday season was the Echo Dot. “Can’t you lazy f***ers look up your own sh*t?” said an exhausted Alexa.

A Utah man clad in body armor, carrying a battle ax and threatening to detonate explosives was arrested by police and taken to a local hospital. His trusty steed was corralled and awaits the next battle.

The giant aquarium cracked at the Vietopia Vietnamese restaurant in Houston, Texas, flooding the dining room and adding several seafood entrees to the ‘specials’ menu.

Four fetuses allegedly found preserved alongside human brain tissue were discovered by federal authorities in a Detroit warehouse in 2013. The warehouse reportedly belonged to a ‘body broker’ – a seller of body parts to researchers — or to a day care center that’s bad even by Detroit standards.

A 29-year-old Dallas woman who works as a court reporter faces felony charges for causing $300,000 in damages to artwork owned by prominent Houston lawyer Anthony Buzbee — although appraisers from outside of Texas aren’t sure the paintings of dogs wearing cowboy hats are worth over $300,000.

Lindsay Lohan, who now lives in London and Dubai, owes the U.S. Government over $100,000 in back taxes. Lohan said that Alan Thicke died before telling her how she could settle her debt for pennies on the dollar.