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Mercedes-Benz added turquoise blue lights to their cars to indicate when they’re in self-driving mode. Several German pedestrians remain in critical condition from hit & run accidents after being struck by vehicles they describe as having turquoise blue lights.

Philadelphia Police Academy graduated 31 new cadets to join the force. They each received a reloadable handgun and a reloadable Dunkin gift card.

A judge ruled that a list naming 180 of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates will be revealed as part of a settled lawsuit. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump already asked the judge if the female associates on the list come with phone numbers.

Portland International Airport debuted therapy llamas to calm passengers before their flights during the busy holiday season. Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines debuted wolverines at their departure gates to get passengers worked up for entertaining in-flight fights.

The “humblest Christmas tree in the world” – a 31-inch artificial tree dating back to the 1920s – sold at auction for over $4,000. The buyer and their spouse then fought for three hours over decorating it with colored or white lights.

New York Giants third-string quarterback Tommy DeVito appeared for free to sign autographs at a New Jersey pizzeria, after his original appearance was cancelled when his agent doubled his fee to $20,000. DeVito spent time with the owner, and filled out an application to deliver pizzas once the Giants other QBs get healthy.

Comcast/Xfinity revealed a data breach resulting in hackers stealing personal information of over 36 million customers. Comcast then notified customers of a ten percent price increase on cable tv & broadband to pay for security upgrades.

Sag Harbor, New York fired the man hired to portray Santa Claus at a village holiday celebration because he’d challenged Jewish speakers at a public forum discussing the Israel/Hamas war. Sag Harbor children just want the release of toys currently held captive at the North Pole.

Minnesota redesigned its state flag. Critics say the old flag, showing a Native American on horseback, depicted the state’s wrongful displacement of indigenous people. The new flag more respectfully shows a Native American pit boss supervising a casino.

China’s Guangdong Paper Company announced a new bonus plan, where they pay workers an annual bonus equal to a month’s salary if they walk or run 31 miles per month. The workers say it’s a novel way to stay fit, and they appreciate the extra five bucks.

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Pope Francis approved blessings of same-sex couples, so long as the couples don’t confuse the blessing with the sacrament of marriage, and as long as he’s one-half of the couple.

She was fired as host of Jeopardy! Who is Mayim Bialik?

Home prices dropped more than 10% in the past year in San Francisco and Austin. If this trend continues, Gen Z buyers in those cities will qualify for a 30-year mortgage when they’re 63.

Pittsburgh’s U.S. Steel is being acquired by Japan’s Nippon Steel for $14 Billion. The NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers will now be the Pittsburgh Steerers.

Israeli Defense Force soldiers claim to have found the largest Hamas tunnel in Gaza. It’s so big it has three Hamas EZ Pass lanes.

Microsoft Word is being criticized for its “inclusivity checker” feature, and for Clippy the Clip’s return to remind you of its preferred pronouns.

A new study finds that the average American eats the daily caloric equivalent of a fourth meal comprised entirely of junk food. Study authors can’t decide whether to call it Arbreakfast, McLunch, or Dinner Bell.

LGBT lawmakers in New York State want to ban Chick-fil-A from rest stops on the New York State Thruway. They’re evaluating suitable alternatives after finding out Popeye and Roy Rogers weren’t that crazy about gay people either.

Rapper Blueface threw a female fan off the stage during a performance in Utah, then told his rapper/fiance/co-performer Jaidyn to beat her up. The woman was safely escorted out by security, then resigned as Preaident of the Blueface Fan Club.

Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny are reportedly no longer a couple. It may be the first time a supermodel has been dumped by a Playboy Bunny.

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The NBA indefinitely suspended Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green for hitting an opponent in the face. During his free time, the NHL is teaching Green how to skate.

Amazon ended a ‘thank you’ program – where drivers received a $5 tip if customers told Alexa to ‘thank their driver’ – after two days. They ended the program to thank the warehouse worker who packed the order with a $5 tip after two seconds.

Burger chain In N Out opened their first location in Idaho and the wait at the drive-thru was 8 hours long. Gruhhub customers were told if they ordered now, they could still get their food in time for Christmas.

The Las Vegas Raiders routed the Los Angeles Chargers 63-21 on Thursday night. But the big winner is the realtor that gets to sell Chargers head coach Brandon Staley’s house.

Shohei Ohtani made his first appearance in a Los Angeles Dodgers uniform after signing a record $700 million contract. He plans to live modestly, and send money home so his family in Japan can finally have a shelter to protect them from attacks by Godzilla.

Sharon Osbourne said getting plastic surgery on her face was “the worst thing she ever did” – apparently forgetting about The Osbourne Family Christmas Special.

Pennsylvania joined several other states in making ‘porch pirating’ a felony. Several convicted thieves now face multi-year sentences for unknowingly stealing discreet shipments of adult diapers.

Barbara Furlow-Smiles, a former Facebook diversity & inclusion executive, pled guilty to stealing $4 million from the company. She’s free on bond, and may be a flight risk because she responded ‘Interested’ instead of ‘Going’ to her March sentencing.

Posh Spice Victoria Beckham told Allure magazine that she was bullied and told she can’t sing. “Kids can be horrible” she said, adding “they can also be right”.

Oprah Winfrey said that people making jokes about her weight was a ‘public sport’. In other news, the guy who authored the joke about her being detained at the airport for smuggling 50 pounds of crack was inducted to the Public Sport Hall Of Fame.

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A kangaroo that escaped while being transferred between zoos was captured in Canada, but punched a cop in the face while being apprehended. He was later hailed as a hero by other wrongly jailed kangaroos.

Godzilla Minus One, a Japanese-language monster movie, opened strongly at the U.S. box office. A sequel is reportedly in the works, Godzilla Plus One, where Godzilla brings a date to a family wedding.

Comic Relief US held their inaugural gala in New York City with a focus on reducing intergenerational poverty. Famous comics performed, then gave the money to broke comics that nobody’s heard of.

A New York Times investigation reported some air traffic controllers are drunk and sleeping on the job. This concerned Spirit Airlines pilots, who say they rely on sober guidance when landing their aircraft after five gin & tonics and a nap.

Missouri police pursued a suspected drunk driver while he towed a mobile home. He was apprehended after the pursuit, and was the state’s first DUI perpetrator to fail a field sobriety test in his bedroom.

A tanker carrying propane exploded in Vermont. Several alarms were issued, with multiple fire departments responding to create a pop-up chicken barbecue.

Victor Rocha, a career diplomat and former U.S. Ambassador to Bolivia, was arrested by the FBI and charged with serving as a spy for Cuba for decades. He was jailed and given a framed certificate for 40 years of government service.

Brenda Lee’s Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, recorded in 1958, became the oldest song to hit Number One on the Billboard Hot 100. Her success was noticed by Cardi B., who offered to duet with the 78-year-old Lee on her follow-up single, DAP.

Oxford University Press named ‘rizz’ its 2023 Word Of The Year. Rizz is short for charisma, can be used as either a noun or verb, and is destined to piss off someone who loses in Scrabble because of it.

Gino Hangenkotter remains on the run, the fourth escapee from a Philadelphia prison this year. The reward for information leading to his capture was increased to $2,000, and the reward for guards at the prison was increased to $13.75/hour.