Apple Store looters won’t be able to use or pawn phones, tablets and laptops taken from showrooms because of software locks – that is, unless they return for an appointment at the Genius Looter Bar.

Sony delayed the reveal event for PlayStation 5 originally scheduled for June 4th due to widespread civil unrest. However, PlayStation 4 game ‘Call of Duty – Riot Police’ will be released as scheduled.

Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol told CNBC’s Jim Cramer that stores damaged in riots can be patched up and fixed, just that it will cost “a little extra”.

Hundreds of looters rushed into Macy’s flagship NYC store in Herald Square overnight. Meanwhile, rioters declined invitations to loot a nearby JC Penney.

Police finally arrived on scene, and handcuffed less-experienced looters who made the mistake of waiting for a fitting room.

District of Columbia police used tear gas to disperse a peaceful crowd of protestors so Donald Trump could give a speech at a church near the White House. Trump tweeted that the speech was so great, there wasn’t a dry eye in the street.

Retired baseball star Dale Murphy says a Denver cop hit his son in the face with a rubber bullet as he peacefully protested George Floyd’s death. The boy was awarded first base.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson criticized Donald Trump’s handling of nationwide protests, causing Trump to cut off Carlson’s allowance.

Canopy Growth’s CEO says his zero-calorie cannabis beverages can be bigger than hard seltzer. So ask your local grocer to carry high seltzer.

A new study claims using mouthwash after exercise reduces many of the health benefits on blood pressure and metabolism. As a result, experts suggest Planet Fitness members go for plain pizza instead of pepperoni.

The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.