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Madonna turned 62 – but may wait the extra five years before collecting Social Security.

Greenland’s ice shelf has melted to the point where it now looks like Iceland.

A woman slapped an American Airlines gate agent after refusing to wear a face mask. She’s been banned for life from American Airlines, and welcomed with open arms on Spirit Airlines.

Donald Trump’s younger brother, Robert, passed away at a hospital in New York City. Donald visited him on Saturday to collect his absentee ballot before he went golfing.

Walmart is converting its parking lots into free drive-in movie theaters, at least until someone shoplifts the movies.

Scientists are concerned that air conditioning systems may be spreading coronavirus. Not cool.

A Catholic priest in Malawi reportedly impregnated 30 nuns. Everyone involved said it was “all-in-all, a pretty memorable Easter weekend”.

Japanese scientists discovered a new breed of worm. They plan to show it to the general public in weird Japanese porno movies.

A Tokyo architect created public restrooms with transparent walls. They’re free to use, and 1,000 yen to watch.

A home listed for sale at $350,000 in Fayette, Missouri has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a 9-cell jail in the basement. The seller is ‘a guy who’s been banned for life from Tinder’.

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President Trump cancelled his trip to Denmark because the Prime Minister rejected his offer to buy Greenland, and to avoid all of Denmark’s pesky cancer-causing windmills.

XFL, the new pro football league launching in February 2020, debuted its eight team names and logos, to the delight of children in destitute third-world nations who will be wearing licensed XFL apparel following the league’s April 2020 bankruptcy.

T-Mobile customers reported an outage lasting several hours, where calls and text messages failed. Most customers were angry, but loser guys liked having a few extra hours of hope that the hot girl might be trying to text them back.

Vast sections of the Amazon rainforest in South America are on fire. The lone bright spot amidst this environmental tragedy is seeing brave monkeys in firefighter outfits.

Lori Loughlin, awaiting trial in the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, told a friend she thought a half-million dollar bribe was like donating for a library – whatever those are.

The U.S. Labor Department negatively revised jobs added from April 2018 to March 2019 by 500,000. They say the number was right at the time, but a half-million people realized how badly they were getting ripped off delivering for Grubhub & Doordash.

Larry King’s wife Shawn, responding to his divorce filing, will not contest it, saying “I’m not going to fight a dying man” – adding it’s easier to take money off a dead man.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is considered a longshot to win Dancing With the Stars. This, despite his extensive experience dancing around the truth.

MoviePass exposed thousands of unencrypted credit card numbers to potential hackers. Although subscribers are more worried about others finding out they went to see ‘Dora And The Lost City Of Gold’ without children.

Russia launched a humanoid robot to the International Space Station as part of a test program for a new transport rocket. Fedor the Robot can’t wait to get to the space station to hijack it and murder all of the other astronauts.

 

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A new study analyzed over 22,000 porn sites, finding over 93% were sharing user data with at least one third-party tracker. Researchers had a difficult time explaining to their wives why they had 22,000 porn sites in their browser history.

Bugatti announced a limited edition high performance supercar, the Centodieci, that costs $9 million. They’ll only produce ten of them – five to sell, and five to replace those when their owners crash them into trees.

Former UFC fighter Igor Zinoviev said he believes, based on medical findings, that Jeffrey Epstein had assistance killing himself. Zinoviev shared this opinion on his new show ‘UFCSI’.

Whitney Port of “The Hills” said she regrets turning down a one-night stand with Leonardo Dicaprio ten years ago. She wishes that instead of being the woman from The Hills that everyone forgot about, she was the woman Leonardo Caprio banged that everyone forgot about.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr and his family survived a fiery private plane crash at a Tennessee airport. The plane skidded off the runway, and Earnhardt had to tell the crew on scene to put out the fire instead of changing the plane’s tires and refueling it.

Donald Trump reportedly wants to buy Greenland. Greenland replied it’s perfectly capable of going bankrupt all by itself.

The Little League World Series is underway. Players representing teams from around the world come to Williamsport, Pennsylvania with one thought in common: wondering why in the hell they couldn’t have the Little League World Series someplace fun.

Following a 19-5 blowout loss to the Indians, New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone spoke in favor of a “surrender” rule to end lopsided games early. Ron Gardenhire, manager of the 37-82 Detroit Tigers, favors surrendering the remainder of the season.

The Indianapolis grave of John Dillinger may be exhumed to prove that it’s really him. Extra police are being brought in to prevent an escape.

Cava, the fast-growing Mediterranean-style restaurant chain, opened its first innovation kitchen in Washington, D.C. Cava is being called the Chipotle of Mediterranean food, and its innovation kitchen is trying to match Chipotle by developing its own strain of E. coli.