The Uvalde, Texas high school football team won its first game of the season. Fired Sheriff Pete Arredondo waited outside the stadium for 80 minutes deciding if he wanted to go in.

A new fashion trend, ‘dolphin skin’, has emerged on social media, to describe a glistening, hydrated, fresh-out-of-the water look. It’s led to a more troubling trend of people sharing pics of the dolphin skin around their blowhole.

Fans of HBO’s Game of Thrones spinoff House of The Dragon are angry that the new show uses the same Game of Thrones opening theme song. Producers say they were forced to do so after they requested, and were refused, permission to use the theme to Facts Of Life.

Actor Charlie Sheen settled a lawsuit from an ex who claimed he knowingly exposed her to HIV in 2015. Sheen is paying $120,000 to settle the claim of HIV exposure – and $10,000 each for herpes, syphilis & chlamydia.

Jennifer Lopez is angry that a video of her singing to Ben Affleck at their wedding reception was leaked to the press, because all guests signed non-disclosure agreements. She’s even angrier that someone else leaked that the reception had a cash bar.

NASA postponed the launch of its new moon rocket due to a fuel leak and another engine problem. The launch will take place Friday at the earliest, according to the guy who ordered the fuel gasket at Auto Zone.

It’s the first day of school in the City of Philadelphia. Facebook & Instagram have already taken down hundreds of Back-To-School pictures of K-6th grade children holding guns.

Flight attendants reportedly broke up a fistfight between the pilot and co-pilot of an Air France flight from Geneva to Paris while the jet was in midair. The flight landed safely, and none of the weak punches did.

To commemorate National Cinema Day on September 3rd, theater chains will offer tickets for $3 to see one of the 3 movies actually showing in cinemas.

Poe, the Baltimore Ravens mascot, was carted off the field after injuring his leg during a halftime Mascots v Youth Footballer game. Asked if he’ll play in future games, the Raven said “nevermore”.

San Francisco is paying $300 to parolees and other residents deemed “high risk” if they don’t shoot someone or get shot. One condition is that they don’t use the money for down payment on a handgun.

The new Apple Watch is reportedly running into production problems, which they’re calling “Back To School” for factory workers.

Texas’ new restrictive abortion law means women seeking an abortion will have to travel an average of 496 miles to get one in a different state. Southwest Airlines is offering limited-time $79 one-way ‘Don’t Ruin Your Life’ Fares.

A small group of women in Kabul protested for equal rights in Afghanistan. Then the Taliban showed up, and it was a smaller group of women.

91-year-old Former Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, stripped of his title by Pope Francis, will go on trial for sexually assaulting a teen boy 50 years ago. McCarrick looks forward to his day in court, but expressed he’s not really into that guy anymore.

ABBA is releasing new music and will stage a concert where the members are represented on-stage as avatars. The avatars will be the Flintstones & Rubbles, and the concert will be called ABBA Dabba Doo.

Amazon is hoping to solve a delivery driver shortage by reminding applicants that they don’t screen for marijuana use. “Great, let us know about opioids and alcohol!” say other prospective hires.

Ownership of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills have released initial details of a proposed new 60,000 seat stadium. Critics expressed disappointment that the stadium will not have a roof, and is located in Buffalo.

Cannabis smoking lounges are growing in popularity in Illinois, owing to the state’s legalization of recreational use, and as some of the few locations where fans can purchase Phish and Blue Oyster Cult tickets.

Michael Davies, executive producer of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?‘, will take over fired Jeopardy! e.p. Mike Richards job. As for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, it’s “everyone who successfully sued Mike Richards for sexual harassment”.

Chipotle has temporarily closed a Texas location where mice were filmed in the restaurant. Chipotle had said the mice entered through a structural gap, but are now doing a full inspection. Meanwhile, the mice are hoping to catch on at a nearby Taco Bell.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued new safety guidelines for fidget spinners. The first guideline is waiting a week until your kid doesn’t care about fidget spinners anymore.

The Taylor Swift butt-grabbing trial continues in Denver, with Swift’s former security guard testifying that he witnessed a Denver DJ grab Swift’s buttocks. Asked why he didn’t say anything, the guard said he assumed Swift would just write a catty hit song about the guy.

The parent company of Applebee’s and IHOP announced they’re closing up to 160 U.S. locations. Execs say that more Americans are eating at restaurants that their friends won’t make fun of them for choosing.

Gun maker Sig Sauer is offering a “voluntary upgrade” to owners of its P320 pistols, following numerous reports that the gun will fire when dropped. Cops spotting criminals with a P320 are shouting “Police! Hang on to your weapon!”

JC Penney posted a huge quarterly loss, sending its stock price tumbling over 15%. The CEO attempted to calm investors, saying thousands of Grammas will be taking embarrassed teens Back To School shopping there all month long.

The FBI is saying that ISIS is using eBay transactions to send cash to U.S. terrorists, although the good news is that ISIS always leaves really positive seller feedback.

Google is donating $1.5 million to the 4-H Club to spur young peoples’ interest in technology. The 4-H said if Google keeps sending the fat stacks of cash, they’ll add a 5th H for hacking.

President Trump tweeted that U.S. military weapons are “locked and loaded” in the event of aggression by North Korea, continuing that he hoped Kim Jong Un chooses a “different path”. Un took the message to heart, and pointed the path of his missile pointed at Guam a few degrees right.

An American investment banker – charged with being the Putney Bridge Pusher, who shoved a woman in front of a London bus while he ran on the bridge – denies the charge, saying he wasn’t even in London at the time. As evidence, his lawyers submitted video of him on the same day pushing a woman in front of a New York City bus.

Midway through the 2017 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota, bike crashes and DUIs are ahead of the 2016 pace, as measured by Harley-riding accountants who want you to think they’re badasses.

As automakers sell more & more electric cars, a dilemma is cropping up where owners are having difficulty finding places to charge them. Already this year, store managers are reporting a 1000% increase in customers with extension cords getting kicked out of Starbucks.