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12 Million people will lose unemployment benefits the day after Christmas. “Dahoo Doray…this f**king sucks” sang all the Whos in Whoville.

Jennifer Grey and husband Clark Gregg – Agent Coulson in the Marvel Universe – finalized their divorce settlement. Grey keeps all residuals from Dirty Dancing, while she snaps up half his Marvel residuals, according to Grey’s attorney, Thanos.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Matthew McConaughey is considering a run for Governor of Texas in 2022. His plan is called ‘How To Lose An Election in 24 Months’.

While Beyonce partners with Peloton, her husband Jay Z is investing in vertical climbing machine startup, CLIMBR – which promises to hold twice as many dirty clothes as a Peloton bike.

The National Anthem at the Mike Tyson/Roy Jones Jr fight will be sung by Ne-Yo…say can you see….

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

Following months of delays, Wonder Woman 1984 will premiere in cinemas and streaming service HBO Max on the same day. Wonder Woman surveyed movie fans with her Lasso of Truth and 98% said there’s no way they’re going to a theater.

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Following his conviction on two counts of rape and sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein was taken to prison, but then rushed to a hospital after complaining of chest pains.. and scratchy prison bathrobes ..and a lack of 20-something female guards.

The White House asked Congress for $2.5 billion to fight the COVID-19 coronavirus, but Congress argued China already built a wall.

NASA’s InSight lander has detected a mysterious humming coming from planet Mars, possibly because Uptown Funk was playing on InSight’s satellite radio.

A Florida police officer’s body cam video showed him handcuffing a 6-year-old girl and putting her in a squad car after she threw a tantrum. The officer was fired, and charges against the girl for assault with a fidget spinner were dropped.

Dana Ghazi Mustafa, 27, was arrested following a flight from Frankfurt to Washington DC where she yelled “I’m going to stab everyone on on this plane. Then kill myself. I’m Palestinian! That’s how we get down.” She was reportedly angry that the crew refused to give her a tour of the cockpit.

More than a dozen states have introduced legislation requiring public schools to offer free feminine hygiene products in their bathrooms. Some states are hesitant, saying the move requires additional expense to train gym teachers what they’re for.

Netflix will issue daily lists of the ten most popular shows and movies in almost 100 countries. They’ll issue a separate Top 10 list of the most popular shows for Netflix & Chill.

It’s National Pancake Day and IHOP is offering its customers free pancakes, and a new training course for restaurant managers on how to evict homeless people.

In honor of the Shamrock Shake’s 50th Anniversary, McDonald’s is auctioning a gold & diamond Shamrock Shake cup valued at $90,000 – although the value drops significantly once you put a Shamrock Shake in it because the gold corrodes.

Sleep experts say sleeping on your side is the best position for feeling good the next day, since side-sleep aligns the spine, and turning on your side lets your partner know there’s no way it’s happening tonight.

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The Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup, defeating the Vegas Golden Knights four games to one. Capitals’ captain Alex Ovechkin was named the Most Valuable Player in the playoffs, and accepted a congratulatory phone call from the President — Vladimir Putin.

Dine Brand Global – which also owns Applebee’s and Denny’s – is being warned by brand experts against changing the name of IHOP to IHOB. Executives aren’t worried, saying they want customers to know they can get more than just pancakes, they can also get botulism.

President Trump said that he wants to speak with NFL players who kneel during the anthem so they can recommend people for pardons because they’ve been treated unfairly by the justice system. Trump then asked aides how you pardon unarmed black citizens shot dead by cops.

MIT scientists created an artificial intelligence “psychopath” named Norman, that they programmed using captions about graphic images of death posted by humans on Reddit. The scientists may shut Norman down after he registered to vote and spent hundreds of dollars online buying Make America Great Again apparel.

Consulting firm Deloitte reports that the legalization of recreational marijuana in Canada would create a $4 billion dollar industry – but would also risk making everyone a slower skater.

Kendall Jenner posted a topless photo of herself on Instagram, with ice cream emojis covering her nipples. For everyone wondering how big?.. just one scoop.

The Federal Reserve reported that Americans household net worth exceeded $100 trillion for the first time ever – a result of rising home values, a robust stock market, and The Man screwing everyone over.

Alice Marie Johnson, the woman whose life sentence President Trump commuted this week following his meeting with Kim Kardashian, promised Trump “I will make you proud”. She then kicked all the black family members out of her house while standing for the National Anthem.

Facebook admits that 14 million users “friends only” posts were made public because of a software bug. “I wondered where all those Likes were coming from!” said losers with only a couple dozen friends.

BuzzFeed is laying off 20 people – shocking everyone who didn’t know BuzzFeed actually paid anyone.

Measurement company Zenith said that in 2019, people around the world will spend more time online than they do watching TV, that is unless broadcast networks finally wise up and start showing porn.

 

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Gabby DiMarco, a woman attending a San Diego Padres game, caught a foul ball in her beer cup, then chugged the beer to free the ball. She took the next day off from work to look at the hundreds of marriage proposals she received on social media.

A romance novel cover model dubbed the “Beefcake Bandit” has been sentenced to serve seven years in prison for a string of robberies. He’s expected to spend a lot of time fighting off other beefcake bandits.

An Oklahoma man playing golf alone who asked to play through a foursome was denied by the men, then beaten on the head with a putter by one of them. His assailant was charged with battery, and two penalty strokes for moving the victim before hitting him.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos said that the White House’s school safety commission – formed in the aftermath of the Parkland, Florida school shooting  – will not look at the role of guns in school violence. Instead, the commission will look at ways bullying victims can learn to box or hire bodyguards bigger than their bullies.

A pastor in Ethiopia giving water baptisms in a lake to members of his Protestant church was attacked by a crocodile. The pastor died and the crocodile said grace before eating him.

Amanda Richardson, a high school teacher in Philadelphia, was fired for taking bribes in exchange for giving students better grades. She tried offering sex, but the students decided they’d rather spend the money.

IHOP — originally International House of Pancakes – announced that it’s changing its name to IHOB, and will announce the meaning of the B on June 11th. Most people are guessing ‘breakfast’, while execs say the restaurants will still welcome drunken brawls at 2a.m.

Two men attending President Trump’s patriotic music & flag ceremony – scheduled after he cancelled a visit from the Philadelphia Eagles – took a knee during the playing of the national anthem. One man yelled at Trump after the song finished and was booed, the other got no help finding his contact lens.

Former employees of Toys R Us are protesting because the company did not pay them severance when their stores were shut down in bankruptcy proceedings. The employees said they were supposed to get six months severance, but they didn’t get that, or even one toy that they picked out for being good.

Deb Haaland won the Democratic nomination for New Mexico’s 1st Congressional District, putting her on track to become the first Native American woman to serve in Congress. President Trump has ordered staff to research insults, since Pocahontas is taken.

 

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IHOP is offering free pancakes in honor of National Pancake Day, or as it’s known at IHOP, ‘Please Seat Me As Far Away From That Smelly Hobo Getting Free Pancakes’ Day.

Australian police arrested several men after finding 650 pounds of ephedrine – a key crystal meth ingredient – in highlighter markers.  Police arrested the smugglers after they told officers they needed the highlighters for a big “meth..uh, I mean math” test.

President Trump received harsh criticism for his assertion that he would have run in to the Parkland school shooting even if he didn’t have a weapon. Trump’s close allies doubt the President’s assertion, owing to a) the shooting happened on a Wednesday, not Taco Tuesday; and b) the cafeteria had closed for the day.

Apple is planning to open “AC Wellness” – in-house medical clinics for its employees. The move comes after multiple employee deaths from misdiagnoses and failed surgeries at the Genius Bar.

Disney is donating $1 Million in profits from ‘Black Panther’ to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. Boys & Girls Clubs execs are planning to spend some of the money to send children on trips to Wakanda.

Liquor giant Diageo is issuing a Special Edition of its Johnnie Walker Black Label whiskey with a female logo, ‘Jane Walker’. The logo is unique in that once Jane fills up with scotch, her clothes come off.

Starting in April, the state of California will allow companies testing driverless cars to do so without a human riding in the car as backup. They will, however, require the autonomous car’s driver’s seat to be occupied by a mannequin of an 80-year-old in wraparound sunglasses so that there’s something for real people to yell at and flip off.

File sharing company Dropbox filed for an initial public offering; they sent a Dropbox link to the SEC and prospective investment bankers, most of whom replied “it’s not working”.

Netflix is premiering “Jinn”, its first original series in Arabic; it tells the story of teenagers who discover a genie and fight Middle Eastern stereotypes.

White House Communications Director Hope Hicks will meet on Tuesday with the House Intelligence Committee on Russian election interference. She’s expected to face tough questioning like “Did you ever hear anyone communicating with Russians?” from Democrats; and “What designer are you wearing?” from Republicans.

 

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Chipotle has temporarily closed a Texas location where mice were filmed in the restaurant. Chipotle had said the mice entered through a structural gap, but are now doing a full inspection. Meanwhile, the mice are hoping to catch on at a nearby Taco Bell.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued new safety guidelines for fidget spinners. The first guideline is waiting a week until your kid doesn’t care about fidget spinners anymore.

The Taylor Swift butt-grabbing trial continues in Denver, with Swift’s former security guard testifying that he witnessed a Denver DJ grab Swift’s buttocks. Asked why he didn’t say anything, the guard said he assumed Swift would just write a catty hit song about the guy.

The parent company of Applebee’s and IHOP announced they’re closing up to 160 U.S. locations. Execs say that more Americans are eating at restaurants that their friends won’t make fun of them for choosing.

Gun maker Sig Sauer is offering a “voluntary upgrade” to owners of its P320 pistols, following numerous reports that the gun will fire when dropped. Cops spotting criminals with a P320 are shouting “Police! Hang on to your weapon!”

JC Penney posted a huge quarterly loss, sending its stock price tumbling over 15%. The CEO attempted to calm investors, saying thousands of Grammas will be taking embarrassed teens Back To School shopping there all month long.

The FBI is saying that ISIS is using eBay transactions to send cash to U.S. terrorists, although the good news is that ISIS always leaves really positive seller feedback.

Google is donating $1.5 million to the 4-H Club to spur young peoples’ interest in technology. The 4-H said if Google keeps sending the fat stacks of cash, they’ll add a 5th H for hacking.

President Trump tweeted that U.S. military weapons are “locked and loaded” in the event of aggression by North Korea, continuing that he hoped Kim Jong Un chooses a “different path”. Un took the message to heart, and pointed the path of his missile pointed at Guam a few degrees right.

An American investment banker – charged with being the Putney Bridge Pusher, who shoved a woman in front of a London bus while he ran on the bridge – denies the charge, saying he wasn’t even in London at the time. As evidence, his lawyers submitted video of him on the same day pushing a woman in front of a New York City bus.

Midway through the 2017 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota, bike crashes and DUIs are ahead of the 2016 pace, as measured by Harley-riding accountants who want you to think they’re badasses.

As automakers sell more & more electric cars, a dilemma is cropping up where owners are having difficulty finding places to charge them. Already this year, store managers are reporting a 1000% increase in customers with extension cords getting kicked out of Starbucks.