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President Biden will form a task force to reunite immigrant families separated at the Southern Border, then he’ll sign an Executive Order requiring them to use the Buddy System.

Dolly Parton turned down two offers from former President Donald Trump to award her the Presidential Medal of Freedom – one to present the medal, and another to retrieve it after it slipped between her breasts.

A couple was ejected from their courtside seats at the Atlanta Hawks/Los Angeles Lakers game following an argument with Lebron James. The Hawks had no issue with removing the fans, but filed a grievance for James being awarded two free throws.

A 41-year-old ‘peeping tom’ was arrested after falling through the ceiling of the ladies locker room of a Virginia gym. The suspect said he fell while scrambling to get out before the senior ladies aquacize class ended.

Uber is acquiring alcohol delivery service Drizly for $1.1 billion – so now you can pair your Uber Eats delivery with a half-empty bottle of liquor.

‘The Bachelor‘ Matt James removed contestant Anna Redman from the show for spreading rumors about other women. James said he wanted to create a ‘safe space’ in the Bachelorette house for the dozens of women banging him.

Atlanta rapper Silento, best known for ‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’, is charged with the shooting murder of his cousin. He’s scheduled to appear in court and is expected to plead Nae Guilty.

McDonald’s is bringing back the Shamrock Shake on February 15th. For the next two weeks workers will be trained to treat customers whose lungs collapse trying to suck it through a straw.

Scientists studying fossilized teeth claim Neanderthals and humans lived among each other and had sex over 40,000 years ago. They cited common traits of the respective teeth, and bite marks on humans’ shoulders when things got a little crazy.

Canadian Mike Jack set the Guinness World Record for speed-eating three Carolina Reaper peppers in 9.72 seconds on his 12th attempt. Jack also holds the world record for the most rectum-replacement surgeries.

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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Following his conviction on two counts of rape and sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein was taken to prison, but then rushed to a hospital after complaining of chest pains.. and scratchy prison bathrobes ..and a lack of 20-something female guards.

The White House asked Congress for $2.5 billion to fight the COVID-19 coronavirus, but Congress argued China already built a wall.

NASA’s InSight lander has detected a mysterious humming coming from planet Mars, possibly because Uptown Funk was playing on InSight’s satellite radio.

A Florida police officer’s body cam video showed him handcuffing a 6-year-old girl and putting her in a squad car after she threw a tantrum. The officer was fired, and charges against the girl for assault with a fidget spinner were dropped.

Dana Ghazi Mustafa, 27, was arrested following a flight from Frankfurt to Washington DC where she yelled “I’m going to stab everyone on on this plane. Then kill myself. I’m Palestinian! That’s how we get down.” She was reportedly angry that the crew refused to give her a tour of the cockpit.

More than a dozen states have introduced legislation requiring public schools to offer free feminine hygiene products in their bathrooms. Some states are hesitant, saying the move requires additional expense to train gym teachers what they’re for.

Netflix will issue daily lists of the ten most popular shows and movies in almost 100 countries. They’ll issue a separate Top 10 list of the most popular shows for Netflix & Chill.

It’s National Pancake Day and IHOP is offering its customers free pancakes, and a new training course for restaurant managers on how to evict homeless people.

In honor of the Shamrock Shake’s 50th Anniversary, McDonald’s is auctioning a gold & diamond Shamrock Shake cup valued at $90,000 – although the value drops significantly once you put a Shamrock Shake in it because the gold corrodes.

Sleep experts say sleeping on your side is the best position for feeling good the next day, since side-sleep aligns the spine, and turning on your side lets your partner know there’s no way it’s happening tonight.

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Former porn star Jenna Jameson shared before-and-after photos of her butt on Instagram, part of ongoing photo documentation of her weight loss. You can tell which is the ‘before’ photo because her butt is bigger, and it has several naked men next to it.

Loyola Law School in Los Angeles is kicking off an executive education program to teach corporate executives “how not to be criminals”. So far they’ve kicked out half of the enrollees for cheating.

Joy Buckley of New York State gave birth to a daughter, Harper, weighing 15 pounds, 5 ounces. Officials are checking medical records to see if she is the largest baby in state history. Buckley claims she had struggled with infertility. She now struggles to walk.

Experts believe they’ve identified Jack the Ripper utilizing DNA obtained after it was submitted to Ancestry.com by his great-great-great-great grandniece, Denise the Ripper.

Disney completed its $71.3 billion acquisition of Fox. The deal does not include Fox News or Fox Sports properties. But, nonetheless, Mickey Mouse called a press conference to claim immigrants are ruining Disneyland.

A study in The Lancet Psychiatry claims daily use of high potency cannabis increases the odds of having a psychotic episode. Which, say devoted stoners, is kind of the whole point.

Only 5 percent of the U.S. population eats the recommended daily amount of fiber – a problem being addressed by a major fast food chain with the introduction of the Shamrock Metamucil Shake.

A Texas man whose cable tv service was acting up checked the cables beneath his house and found a nest of 45 rattlesnakes. A snake removal service took them away, after the cable company would only tell the man to unplug the snakes and plug them back in.

A 27-year-old woman whose persistent cough was dismissed as allergies during three doctor visits, returned for a fourth visit and was diagnosed with cancer. Her cut-rate health insurance then bought her a bag of Halls Mentho-Radiation-Lyptus cough drops.

Florida prosecutors offered New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft a deal, where they would drop soliciting prostitution charges if he admits guilt, does 100 hours of community service, takes an STD test, and pays $10,000 – or about 100 happy endings.