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A man swallowed an Apple AirPod earbud in his sleep, accidentally inventing the world’s first StoolPod bluetooth speaker.

Indoor dining in Philadelphia can expand to 50% of capacity, provided air quality standards are met. No Mexican restaurants are expected to qualify.

The 2021 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees were announced. Curt Schilling demanded that his name be kept off the ballot.

Bruce Springsteen was charged with DWI at a New Jersey state park. He failed a field sobriety test, as well as two encore field sobriety tests.

The U.S. Coast Guard rescued three Cuban refugees from a deserted island where they lived off of coconuts for 33 days. All were treated for exposure and dehydration, and two were treated for injuries from being repeatedly struck by the Skipper’s hat.

Democratic impeachment attorneys plan to show never-before-seen footage of Capitol Rioters on June 6th – when they breached the House & Senate break rooms and discovered that hiding Congressmen took all the donuts with them.

The World Health Organization will present the range of scenarios that created the COVID-19 pandemic in humans – the most likely being transmission from an “intermediary host species”; the least likely being a “radioactive pangolin bite”.

Aunt Jemima products are now rebranded as Pearl Milling Company. Pearl Milling Company is already being sued for denying unemployment checks to Aunt Jemima.

Kim Kardashian donated flower bouquets used in a photo shoot to frontline workers at Los Angeles area hospitals, allowing them, in turn, to regift them a second time for funerals.

Coca-Cola will roll out new 13.5 ounce bottles of soda made from 100% recycled plastic. They hope it will appeal to younger, environmentally conscious future diabetics.

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Pennsylvania’s Dorney Park amusement park is the site of a mass vaccination clinic. They may leave it up through the summer to treat water park visitors for hepatitis.

Law & Order SVU producers say they’re hiring as many unemployed Broadway theater employees as they can – but with a preference for sex creeps.

The same researcher who claimed the ability to predict sexual orientation by facial scan now claims it can also predict political party. Some are outraged, others think it could be useful helping gay Republicans find each other.

The New York Times reports some jobless women are selling nudes on Only Fans to make ends meet, but are disappointed with low sales. “Maybe if you weren’t 80” said a choosy customer.

Donald Trump was impeached for a second time, as history repeached itself.

Snapchat permanently banned Donald Trump, citing the potential to incite violence, and, of course, the thousands of dick pics.

Siegfried Fischbacher of Siegfried & Roy died in Las Vegas at age 81. This follows the death of partner Roy Horn in May. Their famous white tigers are planning to retire from magic and start a singing act.

Joe Biden reportedly has to turn to Plan B because none of his cabinet picks will be confirmed before his inauguration. Fortunately Donald Trump had plenty of Plan B left in his medicine cabinet.

Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is facing neglect charges for failure to address the Flint, Michigan water crisis while in office. His attorneys claim the charges don’t hold undrinkable water.

Joe & Jill Biden announced they’ll adopt a cat once they’re in the White House. This, after the prior tenant preferred to get his pussy outside of it.

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As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.

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After 5 years, a cat missing from Phoenix was found 1,200 miles away in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The cat was still in remarkable shape, weighing 19 pounds, and meowed that he’s really into crystals and holistic healing now.

Senator Elizabeth Warren said a recently-revealed secret White House dinner between Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg & President Trump was “corruption”. Zuckerberg said he checked in, but Warren couldn’t see it because he unfollowed her.

Fred Cox, former Minnesota Vikings kicker and inventor of the original NERF football, died at age 80. Cox is mourned by Vikings fans, and millions of parents who cite the NERF football as the cheapest gift they could possibly give.

Sam Hunt, country singer known for such hits as ‘Drinkin’ Too Much’, was arrested for DUI in Nashville. Asked what he was doing with a blood-alcohol content of .173, Hunt replied “research”.

A university professor in Syracuse, New York released results of a yearlong study of ticks. One in three ticks studied were carrying at least one disease; the rest were carrying blood in a thermos for lunch. [story h/t to A.D.]

A 14-year-old boy faces hate crime charges for posting a photo of a black classmate on Craigslist in a listing titled “Slave for Sale”. The boy is assisting investigators after telling them he received over a dozen offers from Trump Resorts.

Former Penn State Assistant Coach and convicted child abuser Jerry Sandusky is scheduled to arrive at a Pennsylvania courthouse to be resentenced, and because he never turned in his playbook.

T-Mobile admitted some of its prepaid wireless customers’ data was accessed in a criminal hack, but that the criminals said there’s no point stealing the identity of people with such terrible credit scores.

While demonstrating the toughness of the new Tesla Cybertruck during a press event, Elon Musk inadvertently cracked two of the windows. He quickly covered them up with a gun rack and a confederate flag decal and kept going.

President Trump commented on Impeachment proceedings, saying “I want a trial”. But he’s expected to walk back his remarks once aides tell him Matlock is dead.

 

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Adam Neumann, founder and CEO of workspace management startup WeWork, is stepping down. Be on the lookout for his new venture, IQuit.

The Coast Guard intercepted a semi-submersible “narco sub” in the Pacific Ocean, carrying 12,000 pounds of cocaine valued at $135 million. The DEA is now trying to find a new home in the Witness Protection Program for the orca that gave them the tip.

A Philadelphia woman is pulling the wings off of spotted lanternflies and making them into earrings. So far, three women buying & wearing them have been kicked in the ear.

The Washington Mystics advanced to the WNBA finals, defeating the Las Vegas Aces. Said Aces all-star center Liz Cambage “we know when we’ve been licked”.

Fox News apologized for one of its on-air commenters referring to teen activist Greta Thunberg as “mentally ill” – adding that they’re staunch supporters of giving the mentally ill their own primetime shows.

A rare painting from the Italian master Cimabue, ‘Christ Mocked’, was found hanging over a hotplate in the kitchen of a woman living outside Paris. It is expected to sell for millions once experts complete the job of removing Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from it.

A walrus attacked and sank a Russian Navy boat that had gotten too close to its pups. An Admiral in the Russian Navy said “man we have some shitty boats”.

President Trump is reportedly in disbelief that Nancy Pelosi proceeded with impeachment after speaking to her on the phone Tuesday. He hasn’t misread a woman this badly since the time he thought then-wife Marla Maples would be excited about his date with Melania Knauss.

A parent who paid $250,000 to get his son into USC as a bogus water polo recruit was sentenced to four months in prison, or, a full semester.

The Governor of Massachusetts declared a four-month ban on all sales of e*cigarette and vaping products, sending dirtbag parents scrambling for new stocking-stuffer ideas.