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Three guests died from mysterious causes at Sandals resort in the Bahamas. The good news is their funerals are included.

Fred Savage was fired as an Executive Producer & Director from ABC’s The Wonder Years reboot for allegations of inappropriate conduct. He was given the news in a voice-over from actor Daniel Stern.

A German woman was found guilty of ‘stealthing’ after admitting to poking holes in her boyfriend’s condoms in an unsuccessful attempt to get pregnant. The man became suspicious when he had to pull staples out of the condom while putting it on.

Fugitive murderer Casey White and Alabama corrections officer Vicky White remain on the run after a week. Since experts believe Casey White is used to prison food, police in southern states have stakeouts set up at Golden Corral buffets.

Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves said his state is not currently considering bans on contraception such as Plan B pills or IUDs, saying Missippians already have a difficult enough time understanding where babies come from to begin with.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said the company’s employees can work remotely, forever, without losing pay. Chesky reserved the right to reevaluate ‘forever’ in the case of employees who die.

Def Leppard said songs from new album ‘Diamond Star Halos’, will be “strongly represented” during their upcoming tour with Motley Crue. They want fans to have opportunity to buy beer and t-shirts before they play ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’.

The Penn State Nittany Lion shrine – a lion statue on the main campus – was vandalized during graduation weekend, with its ear broken off and sprayed with red paint. The shrine is decades old, so cops have ruled out Jerry Sandusky touching it.

A new study from Texas A&M shows that working from home has no negative impact on worker productivity – at least as long as you’re at your desk and not in bed or at a matinee.

The New York Times swapped out ‘fetus’ as Monday’s Wordle solution because of the controversy surrounding abortion rights, but said ‘sperm’ was still a decent starting word for the new solution.

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An expansion of the U.S. earthquake early-warning system makes it available to 50 million people on the West Coast. The system, called Shake Alert, faces criticism from users confusing earthquakes with their Shake Shack order being ready.

Following dozens more reports of injured children, Peloton reversed their positions and agreed to recall their treadmills. Peloton online fitness classes were constantly interrupted by people pulling their kids out from under the belt.

An advisory board upheld Donald Trump’s ban from Facebook & Instagram, but said they need to decide again in six months after seeing how many state & federal crimes Trump was facing.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf is teaming up w Penn State football to encourage vaccination. “Nah, I think we’re good” said Wolf when retired assistant coach Jerry Sandusky offered his help.

Police in Bensalem, Pennsylvania debuted the Copsicle truck, a community-relations effort where police give away free ice cream. So far the truck has been used to successfuly lure & capture over 20 sixth-graders who jumped bail.

Multiple Major League Baseball teams are giving fans a free ticket when they get a COVID-19 vaccine at the stadium. The Philadelphia Phillies are reevaluating their plan after vaccine recipients were heckled and pelted with batteries by anti-vaxxers.

Zhe “Shelly” Wang, an interpreter for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, denies rumors that she’s responsible for their breakup. It’s hard to tell if the divorce is the result of too much Wang, or not enough.

The summer’s hottest top for women is Mirror Palais’ “underwire polo” – a crop-top that pairs an underwire bra with a button placket, collar and long sleeves. The hottest top for men is whatever they wore yesterday, probably.

A woman in Morocco gave birth to nine babies at once. She’s seeking parenting advice from others who have had a similar experience, but so far has only heard from cats.

A San Francisco tech CEO was ousted for taking LSD before an investor’s meeting. He said he got the idea from multiple middle-managers who dropped acid to get through their annual performance reviews.

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After 5 years, a cat missing from Phoenix was found 1,200 miles away in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The cat was still in remarkable shape, weighing 19 pounds, and meowed that he’s really into crystals and holistic healing now.

Senator Elizabeth Warren said a recently-revealed secret White House dinner between Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg & President Trump was “corruption”. Zuckerberg said he checked in, but Warren couldn’t see it because he unfollowed her.

Fred Cox, former Minnesota Vikings kicker and inventor of the original NERF football, died at age 80. Cox is mourned by Vikings fans, and millions of parents who cite the NERF football as the cheapest gift they could possibly give.

Sam Hunt, country singer known for such hits as ‘Drinkin’ Too Much’, was arrested for DUI in Nashville. Asked what he was doing with a blood-alcohol content of .173, Hunt replied “research”.

A university professor in Syracuse, New York released results of a yearlong study of ticks. One in three ticks studied were carrying at least one disease; the rest were carrying blood in a thermos for lunch. [story h/t to A.D.]

A 14-year-old boy faces hate crime charges for posting a photo of a black classmate on Craigslist in a listing titled “Slave for Sale”. The boy is assisting investigators after telling them he received over a dozen offers from Trump Resorts.

Former Penn State Assistant Coach and convicted child abuser Jerry Sandusky is scheduled to arrive at a Pennsylvania courthouse to be resentenced, and because he never turned in his playbook.

T-Mobile admitted some of its prepaid wireless customers’ data was accessed in a criminal hack, but that the criminals said there’s no point stealing the identity of people with such terrible credit scores.

While demonstrating the toughness of the new Tesla Cybertruck during a press event, Elon Musk inadvertently cracked two of the windows. He quickly covered them up with a gun rack and a confederate flag decal and kept going.

President Trump commented on Impeachment proceedings, saying “I want a trial”. But he’s expected to walk back his remarks once aides tell him Matlock is dead.