By |

A Florida man was arrested after police discovered his “plan to kill everyone” at his old high school. Cops didn’t believe it when the guy said he was performing standup comedy at the homecoming weekend talent show.

Google is prompting users to create passkeys for passwordless logins on Google accounts. So set aside 45 minutes to try explaining that to your Moms & Dads.

Payton Shires, a 24-year-old Columbus, Ohio social worker, was arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old boy she was counseling. She admitted to failing at being able to counsel him not to brag about having sex.

Divorcing celebrities Sophie Turner & Joe Jonas appear to have settled a child custody arrangement, splitting the two kids’ time between the U.S. and U.K. every few weeks. They’ll now fight over who gets to keep the kids’ frequent flyer miles.

Playboy removed porn star-turned-influencer Mia Khalifa from their “creator platform” after her remarks in support of Hamas’ terrorist attacks in Israel. Playboy said they’re fine with models creating boners, but not controversy.

Los Angeles Police released years-old video of officers ignoring a call for backup at a robbery scene so they could play Pokemon Go on their phones. The officers then captured a Snorlax after shooting the unarmed Pokemon 15 times.

Parents beat a naked man after he allegedly tried touching children as they shopped in a JC Penney store. The kids are reportedly okay, but still dealing with the trauma of their parents buying them school clothes at JC Penney.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72, told bachelorettes at a 7:30a.m. rose ceremony that it’s the latest he’s ever stayed up, calling it a Three-Cialis Night.

Return To Nature funeral home in Colorado – who bury unembalmed corpses – were found to have 115 decomposing bodies at their facility after complaints of a foul odor in the vicinity. The owner told police & the FBI that his shovel broke.

A Virginia heart doctor told his patient – a woman with cardiopulmonary issues who was depressed because her cat had died – that he’d write her a prescription for a new cat. The woman adopted a cat, but not before getting kicked out of five different CVS stores.

By |

Arizona State University hired University of Delaware’s Natasha Adair as their new Women’s Basketball coach. Adair expressed her gratitude for an opportunity to get as far as possible from Delaware.

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at The Oscars, following Rock’s joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s shaved head. Then co-host Amy Schumer slapped Rock, and called it “parallel thinking”.

The Los Angeles Police Department said Rock declined to file a police report against Will Smith following the slapping incident, according to the officers who interviewed Rock with their knees in his back for 15 minutes.

The FDA is expected to authorize a 2nd COVID booster shot for people over age 50, and the formation of a Booster Club to boost boosters for Boomers.

The University of North Carolina Tar Heels made it to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four, routing Cinderella #15 Seed St. Peter’s, who were denied entry at the gates to New Orleans.

First Lady Jill Biden mourned the death of Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, saying she’s saddened that the two hardest-rocking drummers she knew are now gone – Hawkins, and Karen Carpenter.

A rare pink grasshopper was found by a Texas man. The grasshopper was hiding after being chased by a gang of angry straight grasshoppers.

A British man – paralyzed from the waist down – climbed 1,444 stairs with the help of a robotic exoskeleton, breaking a world record. He spoke to reporters afterward, asking if the elevator was fixed.

A man ran a half-marathon in 2 hours & 19 minutes while pushing his quintuplets in a stroller. His wife called and asked him to make it a full marathon since she was really enjoying the time alone.

A Florida non-profit, Keep Florida Beautiful, placed robots on beaches to pick up small litter items like cigarette butts and bottle caps. Currently all of the robots are recovering from severe infections after picking up condoms.

By |

A shark of “significant size” – sighted off the Long Island coast – closed beaches there. This was disappointing to both beachgoers, and to the shark, who hoped to dine on swimmers of “significant size”.

Women are posting black-and-white selfies with the caption “Challenge Accepted”, as a way of showing support for women peers. They’re also posting “Challenge Declined” after Donald Trump asked them to make the pictures nudes.

Philadelphia City Schools announced all classes will be held virtually from September through the first grading period in November. Dropouts will be invited to a dedicated Zoom lobby to transact their usual business online between classes.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, MacKenzie Scott, says she’s already given away $1.7 billion of her fortune. Her former pool boy is now retired and interviewing pool girls.

McDonald’s is closing 200 restaurants, over half of them are located inside Walmarts. They say Walmart managers are tired of senior citizens driving their cars through the entrance.

A source close to Kim Kardashian told the New York Post that Kim feels Kanye ‘may have hit rock bottom’ – after many years hitting big bottom.

Philadelphia exotic dancers held a “stripper strike” at a public park to create awareness toward improving working conditions at gentleman’s clubs. They also gave kids lots of new moves to try out on the climbing bars.

The camera used to record Los Angeles Police officers beating Rodney King in 1991 is going up for auction, with an asking price of $225,000. Cameras used to record hundreds of other acts of excessive police violence are available for a lot less at the Apple Store.

Budweiser is launching Budweiser Zero, a 50-calorie, alcohol free beer. Exectutives are hoping to steal market share from tap water.

A 1,000-year-old natural remedy made from onion, garlic, wine and bile salts has shown promise in clinical trials treating diabetic foot and leg infections. The trials began following diabetics showing improved symptoms after blacking out eating the Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden.

By |

Triplets in Mexico tested positive for coronavirus on the day they were born. Doctors and engineers are devising a way they can breast feed from six feet away. 

The Kentucky Democratic Senate primary naming a challenger to Mitch McConnell won’t be decided for another week. Amy McGrath leads Charles Booker, but final tallies require the state’s electon auditor to verify the number of times the horses clomp their hooves.

Brands are joining the #StopHateForProfit movement, boycotting Facebook for refusing to accept paid messages of hate. Meanwhile, the Facebook Ad Sales team for Trump 2020 and Boogaloo spent their bonuses on sports cars and beach houses.

Miley Cyrus says she’s been sober for six months but is still a “ton of fun”… thanks to having a “ton of money”.

Doctors are trialing an at-home sleep apnea test that doesn’t require an overnight sleep study. They check your ribcage for bruises from your spouse punching while you snore.

A female suspect was arrested in the arson of the Wendy’s restaurant where Atlantan Rayshard Brooks was fatally shot by police. She’s charged with felony destruction of property, and of whatever it is they put in Frostys.

An off-duty Los Angeles police officer was drinking a Starbucks frappucino when he discovered a tampon in it. He’s demanding that the employee responsible be fired, since he ordered the drink with a condom in it.

New Jersey announced theme parks can reopen on July 2nd. Thousands of families are already buying advance tickets to Six Flags Over Coronavirus.

Major League Baseball announced its return with an abbreviated schedule. Spitting will be prohibited, so a special space will be set aside for players vomiting swallowed chewing tobacco and sunflower seeds.

The City of Philadelphia will seek removal of a statue of Christopher Columbus. They plan to appease angry locals by replacing it with a bronze statue of Rocky Balboa kissing Nick Foles.

By |

As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

By |

The Secret Service is warning of a new crime wave, “Jackpotting”, where thieves hack an ATM and empty it of cash. Since it takes several minutes, the crooks pose as ATM repairmen, or as your grandfather trying to do anything on an ATM.

Traffic to hospitals in the wake of this season’s flu outbreak is so overwhelming, that some are setting up beds in waiting rooms, putting an enormous strain on supplies of 4-year-old People magazines.

Actor Robert Wagner has been named a ‘person of interest’ in the 1981 drowning death of his then-wife Natalie Wood, as LAPD reopens this cold – and wet – case.

Nashville Mayor Megan Barry admitted to an extramarital affair with the former head of her security detail. Barry apologized to her husband, to the people of Nashville, and especially to everyone who had to hear the country song her ex-lover wrote about it.

Major League Baseball announced that all 30 teams will extend protective netting to the end of dugouts in order to prevent spectator injuries from flying foul balls. Ushers will also be authorized to provide helmets to vulnerable fans who black out drunk & bored.

President Trump bragged that tv ratings for his State of the Union address were the “highest.. in history”, a claim disproved by Nielsen ratings for speeches by Obama, Clinton and George W. Bush. Trump’s team fired back that Nielsen ratings don’t include the 2 million TVs at Trump Hotels and Mar-A-Lago that only show Fox News.

Democrats claim that a confidential memo critical of the FBI, authored by GOP Rep Devin Nunes, was significantly altered prior to being given to President Trump. Republicans said they needed to alter it to get it down to one page and to add a comics section to make sure the President read it.

Nintendo announced that Mario Kart is coming to mobile phones in 2019. Highway patrols are gearing up for a rash of accidents from distracted drivers swerving to avoid bananas.

Startup Edovo has secured several million dollars in funding for its product that provides tablet-based education to jailed prisoners. Early results are encouraging, with many prisoners learning how to read, write code, and stab someone to death with an iPad.

Google announced an upcoming change to Google Assistant, that won’t require users to say “Hey Google” before asking a question. Assistant-equipped products like Google Home will simply spring into action whenever someone says “goddamnit, why don’t you look it up yourself?”