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‘Joker 2’ is reportedly in development. It picks up the story in the future when aspiring comedian Arthur Fleck goes on a murderous rampage after his Facebook friends reply ‘Interested’ & ‘Going’ to his comedy show but don’t attend.

President Trump addressed the media following Ambassador Gordon Sondland’s testimony during Impeachment Hearings, holding notes reading “I want nothing. I want nothing.”  The notes were from his stop at the vegan station in the White House Dining Hall.

Walmart is redesigning its fresh produce department in response to consumer complaints. And by “redesigning” they mean replacing it with Cheetos.

Category-leading hard seltzer brand White Claw projects $1.5 billion in sales this year. Budget brand Natural Light Hard Seltzer projects to spend about $1.5 billion settling liver-failure lawsuits.

Three black women watching ‘Harriet’ at an AMC Theater in New Orleans say they were racially profiled by managers who stopped the film and falsely accused them of having fake tickets. The women said they never received an apology, and that it was the worst Madea movie yet.

A sprawling storm in the central United States next Tuesday & Wednesday could cause massive disruption to Thanksgiving travel plans. People unable to join their families for Thanksgiving are wondering how to send a ‘thank you’ note to a storm.

Shania Twain accused country music radio of being ageist for not playing her songs or songs from peers like Reba McIntyre or Patty Loveless. She plans to release a new single ‘Cryin’ In My Tesla Drinking White Claw’.

Personal organization expert Marie Kondo opened an online shop, selling items that “spark joy for Marie”. Then Kondo looks at her sales revenue, and sparks even more joy.

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin said the group is putting touring on hold as they figure out how to make their tours more environmentally friendly – aside from the obvious solution, not doing any.

Rob Gronkowski joined the Los Angeles ‘Laker Girls’ during a chroreographed dance routine during a break in their NBA game. Several Laker Girls entered the Dancer Concussion Protocol after congratulatory head-butts from Gronk.

 

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Roseanne Barr said she’s received a “really good offer” to go back on TV and that she “might do it.” ABC Networks denies that they’re recruiting several dozen chubby-chasing senior men for ‘The Racist Bachelorette.’

According to a study by the Detroit Free Press, the popularity of SUVs is responsible for a 46% increase in pedestrian deaths since 2009, to about 6,000 American people per year, and about 200,000 deer.

Former Trump lawyer and ‘fixer’ Michael Cohen said in an interview with ABC News that his loyalties are to “family ..first”. As proof, Cohen showed the non-disclosure agreements he’d worked up with the porn star nannies he’d hired for his kids.

A McGill University study states that unemployment can increase your risk of unexpected death by 63 percent. The study followed a group of people who used the free time from their layoffs to become trapeze artists.

A study published Monday in JAMA Internal Medicine reports that drinking coffee is associated with a lower risk of early death, no matter how much you drink and whether or not it’s caffeinated. Critics of the study say the doctors who authored it have never gotten coffee at a Sunoco station.

The Trump Administration is being criticized for the Fair and Reciprocal Trade Act [FART] governing economic activities with other countries. The White House said the bill isn’t final, that FART is just a draft, and that the President denies this FART.

An anonymous benefactor bought $1 million worth of Toys R Us remaining inventory to give to underprivileged children. Now they’re still figuring out how to get all of it to the cages on the U.S./Mexico border.

President Trump criticized Democrats & Progressives for their calls to eliminate ICE, worried at how he’ll keep his Diet Coke cold.

LeBron James signed a four-year, $154 million deal to join the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers. In addition to the money, James will also likely get at least a month of extra vacation.

A St. Louis Cardinals groundskeeper was struck in the head by an errant ceremonial pregame first pitch.  Umpires immediately ejected the dork who threw it, his family ran onto the field, and a brawl ensued.

 

 

 

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Google’s Chrome web browser released an update to block ads deemed most annoying by a coalition of internet users.  Porn sites immediately complained of difficulty notifying the winners of free iPads and $500 gift cards.

A new experimental treatment completely reversed Alzheimer’s Disease in mice by reducing levels of a single enzyme in the animals’ brains. “Now I remember where the cheese is!” said a cured mouse before running to his death in a baited trap.

Amy Schumer and new boyfriend, award-winning chef Chris Fischer, married on Tuesday in Malibu, California. The couple have only dated three months, but Schumer knew he was ‘the one’ once he made it through 25 minutes of The Leather Special. 

The White House said that President Trump is planning a visit to the site of the latest deadly school shooting. Not because children died from gun violence, he was just headed to Florida, anyway.

  • The President will meet with families at a $1,000-a-Condolence dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

Mitt Romney announced that he’s running for a Senate seat in Utah. Romney, a Mormon, is the consensus nominee for the Shoo-In Party.

Actor Alexander Polinsky joined his costar Nicole Eggert in leveling charges of on-set abuse against Scott Baio, leading investigators to question if Charles was in charge, who was in charge of Charles?

A woman who didn’t want to let go of her purse knelt on all fours and followed it through a pre-boarding x-ray machine at a train station in China. She was jailed for exceeding the 3 ounce limit with a bottle of hand lotion.

Charles Barkley admitted in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel that he played a game “blasted” drunk after day-drinking to celebrate a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers to the L.A. Lakers that fell through. Although, at the time, people could tell Barkley was disoriented because he can be seen in game footage trying to play defense.

Disney announced that Toy Story Land, the new themed addition to Disney’s Hollywood Studios Orlando, will open on June 30. Parents are disappointed that there won’t be a bar where they could go to catch a Buzz and get a Woody.

The White House dismissed a New Yorker article exposing Donald Trump’s “system” for concealing infidelity as fake news. “Why would he cheat with Karen McDougal when he already had a woman with brown hair?” said a spokesperson.

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Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.