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Southwest Airlines bumped a family of four from their flight to Disneyland after receiving complaints from other passengers that the children had lice. The claims turned out to be false, but Southwest managed to retain its reputation for lousy service.

President Trump responded to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s claims of having a functioning ‘nuclear button’ on his desk, by tweeting that he has a bigger button, and that his button works. Anonymous insiders, however, dispute this, saying Chief of Staff John Kelly replaced the Nuclear Football with a vintage Playskool Busy Box painted black.

The Oakland Raiders are under fire for allegedly skirting the Rooney Rule – bypassing minority candidates in advance of hiring Jon Gruden as their new head coach. The Raiders denied this, bringing in NFL legend O.J. Simpson for an interview as proof.

Archaeologists found an ancient cave in China containing 45,000-year-old tools, as well as a carved note from one caveman to another asking when he planned on returning the sharp rock he borrowed.

Roku is launching its own voice assistant to compete with Siri and Alexa. Although at this point it’s only capable of answering “How the f*** do I switch HDMI inputs?”

The Trump Administration is easing fines and penalties that can be brought against negligent nursing homes – great news for the White House nurse who’s been swapping breath mints for dementia meds.

Coachella announced its official 2018 lineup – the festival will be headlined by Beyonce, Eminem, the Weekend, and drugs.

2018 marks the beginning of legal recreational marijuana sales in California, evidenced by the number of visitors to Disneyland asking Goofy ‘you holdin?’

McDonald’s debuts its new Dollar Menu on Thursday. It’s called the 1-2-3, with items priced at one, two and three dollars. Taco Bell is sticking with its current dollar menu, which customers know as the 9-1-1.

A 31-year-old Virginia woman reported missing by her fiancee was found dead inside of her home, in what local police are calling “suspicious, but, like, the easiest search we’ve ever done.”

 

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Major League Baseball’s Anaheim Angels put a football field in their stadium so the Philadelphia Eagles can practice there during their west coast road trip. To make the Eagles feel at home, the city of Anaheim bused in hundreds of homeless people to yell obscenities and vomit on each other.

McDonald’s is rolling out its new Dollar Menu in January. For the first time, Happy Meals will be discounted, offering much-needed to relief to unemployed cash-strapped toddlers.

According to a report in The Intercept, the White House is considering its own private spy network separate from the CIA. Fueling the reports, Ivanka Trump brand’s Chinese apparel factory is frantically churning out black capes and fedoras.

Netflix fired Danny Masterson from its show The Ranch following multiple allegations of rape filed against the star.  He begins work on his new show,  The Nevada Chicken Ranch, next week.

The International Olympic Committee will decide whether to ban Russia from the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for state-sponsored cover-up of doping, and because this month’s Russian bribe envelope was unusually light.

Accused sexual harasser Representative John Conyers announced that he’s planning to retire; then he will wake up and grope more women.

The world’s largest Starbucks – 30,000 square feet – will open Wednesday in Shanghai, promising customers all the tea.

Netflix is reportedly experimenting with interactive tv shows, allowing viewers to help direct the story. Netflix subscribers anxiously await their chance to kill off Winona Ryder.

The 709-carat ‘Peace Diamond’, owned by a village in Sierra Leone where it was found,  sold below appraised value for a disappointing $6.5 million at auction. Worse, the buyer’s girlfriend muttered “I guess it’s okay.”

Kroger is recalling bottles of purified water for babies because some bottles had mold growing in them. Kroger’s CEO is said to be angry with the move; since it’s purified mold, he doesn’t know what the big deal is.

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Valeant Pharmaceuticals, which acquired ‘female Viagra’ drug Addyi for $1 Billion, is giving up on the drug and returning its rights to the original owner, Sprout Pharmaceutical. It’s believed to be the first time that a ton of money was spent getting women in the mood for sex and it didn’t work.

Students at George Mason University claim to have invented a fire extinguisher that puts out fires using nothing but sound waves. Unfortunately, the sound is generated from people screaming that they’re on fire.

Britain’s National Health is trialing a service that lets residents see a doctor by video call within two hours. Early results are mostly positive, though some users dislike sitting on the kitchen table in their underwear for two hours.

McDonald’s is reintroducing its Dollar Menu in early 2018, with menu items ranging from $1 for a double cheeseburger, to $3 for a cashier running down the street to get you something from Panera.

Israel Institute of Technology’s Technion Institute has created an ‘Electric nose’ that can detect at least seventeen serious illnesses by scent – ranging from Parkinson’s Disease and Multiple Sclerosis, to the pepperoni roll at Sbarro.

Obamacare signups during the current open enrollment period broke records. There haven’t been this many people buying an overpriced product that’s guaranteed to break since the iPhone X.

Google is introducing a feature that gives you the average wait time at over 1 million restaurants. The feature uses a complex algorithm to assess historical trends for most restaurants, and a static image that says No Wait for searches of Arby’s.

Venture capitalist and Digg founder Kevin Rose launched a free meditation app named Oak. It offers a range of guidance, from simple breathing exercises, to longer guided meditations, and automatic social media updates to tell everyone you’re meditating.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said on the company’s earnings call that all Tesla vehicles had the necessary hardware for full autonomous driving – now that each is fitted with a robotic hand that flips off drivers who cut off the self-driving cars.

The White House has requested $4 Billion for missile defense against North Korea. $1 Billion for counterstrike missiles, and $3 Billion for a Trump International Hotel/Silo on the South Korea border.