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Snopes disproved the story that Alabama man Kevin Greeson died at the January 6th DC riots of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles. Greeson did die of a heart attack, and medics unsuccessfully tried to revive him by tasering his nuts.

Hallmark Corporation requested the return of their campaign donations to Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, in the form of an eight-line poem in a card with To Our Special Little Boy on the front of it.

Other large corporations, including Blue Cross, Marriott, and several banks, have halted donations to Republicans. The GOP already asked the My Pillow guy to make up for it, but he’s committed to spending a million ad dollars a day on MeTV.

The NFL Philadelphia Eagles fired head coach Doug Pederson, less than three years after he led the team to its only Super Bowl victory. Local media penned multiple scathing articles condemning the move, starting with the phrase “not for nothin’..”.

The World Health Organization claims COVID-19 herd immunity won’t happen until 2022, but that death immunity will continue to grow in the meantime.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cancelled an appearance in Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Asked multiple times for comment on why, Belichick said “I’m just focused on the Dolphins” again and again.

Jacob Anthony Chansley – the horn & fur wearing QAnon Shaman from the January 6th riots – is refusing prison food because it isn’t organic. Chansley reportedly told his mother he’s worried about being sentenced to death by force-feeding Hot Pockets.

Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots both rose over the $500 million mark. Experts say odds of winning are about the same as getting a COVID vaccine before Memorial Day.

Donald Trump is reportedly “gutted” that the PGA Tour pulled the 2022 PGA Championship from Trump National golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and “furious” that they awarded it to Joe & Kamala’s Pitch n Putt in Bear, Delaware.

University of Michigan extended the contract of head football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying in a statement they’re proud to continue losing to Ohio State until 2026.

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Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.

 

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President Trump warned of a rush to judgment regarding the disappearance of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, who vanished after entering the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul. Critics say Trump is giving room for the Saudis to deny involvement, and a chance to give Trump tips on how to make reporters disappear.

Trump also posted a gloating tweet after Stormy Daniels’ defamation lawsuit against him was dismissed, calling her “horseface”. A self-satisfied Trump then spent an hour applying bronzer and a second hour fixing his combover.

No winners were declared in the record Mega Millions lottery, swelling the current jackpot to $868 million — and keeping revenge fantasies alive for at least two more days.

Roseanne Barr’s character on series reboot The Conners was killed off by a opioid overdose.  The fictitious death was confirmed by an autopsy, because apparently lower-middle-class nobodies get full-blown autopsies in the impoverished Midwest town where The Conners live.

Research published in medical journal PLOS Medicine suggests that people who consume large quantities of dairy fat like cheese lessen their risk of developing Type 2 diabetes — mainly because heart disease kills them before they have a chance.

North Carolina resident Jimmy Shue said that he gave his first name to a Wendy’s employee to confirm his order, but when he picked it up, the name ‘Chubby’ was written on it. Shue says he was targeted because of his weight, but a Wendy’s spokesperson said that’s the default name they put on everyone’s receipts.

Canada ended an almost-hundred-year ban on marijuana as the country legalized and regulated its sale for recreational use.  So far, the top-selling flavor is plain, followed by maple.

In Illinois, Dr. Constantino Perales was sentenced to 12 years in prison after being found guilty of giving oxycodone and Xanax prescriptions in exchange for sex. Dr Perales is expected to work in the prison infirmary, exchanging drugs for much less appealing sex.

A neuroscience professor at Emory University using MRI scans said he has proven that dogs are capable of understanding the words that humans say to them. He theorizes that cats understand human words too, they just don’t care.

Melania Trump visits Philly today for an appearance at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital to promote a new offshoot of her Be Best campaign, called Not For Nothin Youse Should, Like, Be Best — Y’Know?