By |

Customers claim Instacart shoppers are stealing their groceries. Instacart executives say the best way to prevent theft is to not order cookies and potato chips.

Producers of Modern Family – which ended its decade-long run on Tuesday night – hinted at possible spin-off shows for its characters. So far the most likely characters to get their own show are Sofia Vergara’s breasts.

Google told employees they can’t use videoconferencing app Zoom on company-issued laptops anymore. Workers will need to use Google tools like Google Meet or Google Hangouts if they want to share below-the-neck nudes.

Tom Brady told Howard Stern during an interview that former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has an “amazing” penis, but that his balls are a little too taut for his liking.

Ellen Degeneres jokes that self-isolation is “like being in jail”. Some women inmates said she’s kinda right, since they, too, are “gay for the stay”.

Levi’s ‘Super Mario’-themed jeans go on sale today online. Just add the items to your cart, enter a payment method, and defeat Donkey Kong ten times.

Convenience store chain Wawa is donating use of a refrigerated truck for the state of New Jersey’s use as a temporary morgue. Families retrieving bodies can add a bag of chips for 99 cents.

The Unicode Consortium – overseers of emoji – announced no new emoji will be issued in 2021 because of the COVID-19 pandemic. People can still submit new emoji suggestions, but until then, keep the two oranges and eggplant ready in your ‘recently used’ tab.

Yelp! laid off 1,000 employees, leading to Yelp! collapsing in on itself as the target of hundreds of scathing Yelp! reviews.

Walmart’s grocery shopping app achieved a record number of downloads. The bad news is that orange soda and Cheetos are still backordered until Halloween.

By |

16 people were charged in a drug operation- smuggling oxycontin pills from California to Pennsylvania inside stuffed animals. “I don’t want you spending time with that teddy bear anymore” said a toddler’s mom.

Pennsylvania’s GOP chairman resigned after he texted pics of his genitals to a woman candidate for Philadelphia City Council, and asked her to send pics back. The search for a successor to lead PA’s Gland Old Party are underway.

Federal prosecutors accuse California congressman Duncan Hunter of improperly using campaign donations to fund at least five extramarital relationships. Worse, none of the women voted for him.

The New York Mets fired their pitching coach and promoted 81-year-old Phil Regan to take the job. Regan was 46 at the beginning of spring training.

According to YouGov.com, 40% of 18-to-24-year-olds haven’t applied antiperspirant or deodorant in the last month. 2019 proms & graduations were reportedly the smelliest on record.

Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland spent the weekend in a hospital. She was suffering from difficulty breathing and chest pains – baffling doctors, since she wasn’t in the Dominican Republic.

Cameo – seller of personalized messages from celebrities – has raised $50 million in funding. A message from Snoop Dogg sells for $3,000; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sells for $500. Cameo says their biggest customer complaint is finding out Don Knotts is dead.

San Francisco made it official – becoming the first city to ban e*cigarettes. “NOW what are we going to suck on??” asked a handful of protesters.

To compete with Amazon Prime Day, Target announced “Target Deal Days”, also on July 15 & 16. In Target’s case, the big deal is that the checkout registers will actually work.

The International Olympic Committee voted in favor of a proposal to make break dancing an Olympic sport at the 2024 Paris games. Hollywood immediately began casting Breakin’ 6: Olympic Boogaloo.

By |

Japanese marketing firm Piala announced it will give employees six more paid days off if they quit smoking. Non-smokers are busily taking up the habit so they can quit in time for summer vacation.

NYC terror suspect Sayfullo Saipov was charged while in his hospital bed, and told prosecutors he wanted an ISIS flag to hang in his hospital room. Police became even angrier when they found ISIS flags for sale in the hospital’s gift shop.

Newly single Selena Gomez sparked rumors when she attended a rec league hockey game featuring her ex, Justin Bieber. After the game, Gomez left in Bieber’s car wearing his game jersey. Later on, Gomez was called for holding; Bieber for high sticking.

The head of NPR’s news division, Michael Oreskes, has resigned amid sexual harassment allegations. Several current and former staffers have come forward to describe Oreskes’ unwelcome sexual advances, made in between jazz saxophone riffs and uncomfortably long silences.

Kevin Spacey’s acting tutorial was removed from online instructional hub MasterClass, replaced by a GIF reading ‘Do This’, followed by a balding gay guy rolling his eyes and looking smug.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual holiday list of Favorite Things in O – The Oprah Magazine. At 102 items long, it’s her biggest list ever. Readers added their own 103rd Favorite Thing – the gift receipt to return the stuff on the list.

President Trump declared Saipov an animal, calling for his execution and saying the criminal justice system was a ‘joke’ and a ‘laughingstock’. His sentiments were privately echoed by Robert Mueller, who said he should have been done removing Trump months ago.

North Korean state news shared video of Kim Jong Un touring a cosmetics factory along with his wife Ri Sol Ju. North Korea’s first lady was there to get some new makeup for their upcoming date night at the nuclear missile silo.

Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland responded to a fan on Twitter confirming that her character Haley Dunphy is bisexual. Show producers haven’t responded, but did confirm an upcoming episode where Haley shops for a Mini Cooper.

A 48-year-old woman and 28-year-old man engaged in a sex act on a Delta flight will likely face fines, not jail or other penalties. Passengers complained that the woman performing oral sex on the man was distracting them while they tried to watch porn on their tablets.