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Jennifer Woodley, 40, former CEO of Make-A-Wish Iowa, pleaded guilty to embezzling over $40,000. Because of her theft, dozens of sick children had their wishes delayed, all of which were “getting the hell out of Iowa”.

Anheuser-Busch will buy Americans over age 21 “a round of beer” if 70% of them are vaccinated by July 4th. White Claw will do the same for Americans aged 12-20.

West Virginia is offering guns as prizes in its vaccine lottery. “I won!” said a 7th grader.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson married fiancee Carrie Symonds in a secret ceremony on Saturday, after he finally agreed to brush his hair.

‘From The Desk of Donald J. Trump’, a blog started by the former President, was taken down after just one month. Trump instead plans to focus on a podcast which he’ll quit after a week or two.

A 3-year-old piano prodigy will perform at Carnegie Hall – marking the first time a featured artist plays a curated medley of ‘Heart & Soul’, ‘Jingle Bells’ & ‘Chopsticks’.

Investigators searching through a deceased Australian man’s “hoarder house” found the mummified body of a burglar he’d shot and killed 15 years ago. It was on a pile of 20 other mummified bodies he was saving.

A 77-year-old Brooklyn man was charged with trying to lure two young boys, ages 5 & 7, in to his car with candy. The plot failed because the boys had no idea what Life Savers are.

A Colorado man was mauled by a bear in his garage, where he stored birdseed. The man survived, and the bear plans to return when the menu improves.

A New Hampshire hiker died after tying a hammock to a dead spruce tree, which fell on him as he slept. Nobody heard anything.

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Campbell/Pepperidge Farm is launching two new plant-based flavors of Goldfish snack crackers, Sweet Carrot and Cheesy Tomato. If you don’t like the new Goldfish, you can always flush them down the toilet.

A man and his pet opossum were kicked off a Jet Blue flight after the man released the animal from its carrier. It took a half hour because the passenger and the opossum both played dead.

New Hampshire enacted a Bring Your Baby To Work law, allowing state employees with infants between six weeks and six months old to bring them to work; just in time for winter, when state snowplow drivers need someone else to take the wheel for breaks.

A couple married for 70 years died minutes apart in Michigan. She passed away, then he decided he couldn’t eat his own cooking.

Indiana state troopers arrested a car thief driving a stolen Toyota with a fake license plate he’d drawn in crayon on a brown paper grocery bag. They requested his license & registration, and he asked for a moment while he got out his crayons and paper bag.

5,700-year-old chewing gum made from birch pitch was unearthed in Denmark, and scientists could retrieve the human genome and food particles from it. It was so well-preserved because it was wrapped in a Bazooka Cro-Magnon Joe comic.

A Florida man surrendered to police, admitting that he masturbated on to a woman in a Walmart toy aisle. Asked why he did it, the man said because the housewares section was pretty dead.

Following a Wall Street Journal exposé, Amazon updated its sellers policy to prohibit them from offering items found in the trash. Amazon said if you want to buy garbage, there’s always Goodwill and Five Below.

Police searching a 75-year-old Utah woman’s home after her death found the body of her husband in a freezer, along with a notarized letter stating that she didn’t kill him. Authorities believe she hid the body to collect his Social Security and Army benefits, and in case she ran out of steaks.

Puerto Rico announced their intent to defy a U.S. ban and continue legalized cockfighting. They say the ban was put in place after construction was near completion on the 15,000 seat Frank Perdue Cockfighting Arena.

 

 

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The Food & Drug Administration approved the first-ever prescription drug derived from marijuana, to deal with epilepsy symptoms. Stoners are busily booking doctors appointments and practicing seizures.

Harley-Davidson will move some production overseas in order to avoid punitive tariffs for motorcycles shipped from the U.S. to Europe.  Parisian shopkeepers are worried the resulting shipment delays will only further anger the notorious, croissant-thieving French Hell’s Angels.

Mike Fleiss, creator of ABC Television series ‘The Bachelor’, tweeted that he’s ‘horrified’ that ‘abusive a-holes’ are on the show. He wistfully recalled the days when the show prominently featured only vain, non-abusive a-holes.

Residents of Maine are being warned about the Lone Star Tick, whose bite makes victims allergic to red meat. The ticks are said to frequent cookouts to get at the extra cheeseburgers, and are working on an update to make victims allergic to craft beer.

Pennsylvania residents can now legally buy and set off aerial fireworks this 4th of July, but are upset that the state levies 18% sales tax on them – they feel they’re being charged a blown-off arm and a blown-off leg.

Michael Cohen’s lawyers have reviewed millions of documents seized during a raid at his offices, and will claim attorney/client privilege over 12,000. The lawyers may not be very good, because they identified the 12,000 by seeing which ones had ‘attorney’ ‘client’ and ‘privilege’ typed on them.

First responders in New Hampshire were able to rescue a 2-year-old boy trapped under a pile of rocks. Said the fire chief “thank God that kid had so many Tonka trucks.”

In Arizona, local officials are warning that snakes may be hiding in pool noodles, after several reports from residents surprised to be finding snakes in them. One snake apologized, saying he napped in the pool noodle after getting exhausted playing all morning on the Slither n Slide.

Apple released its Schoolwork App, which allows teachers with iPads to manage classroom tasks like creating assignments and tracking students’ progress. Apple is continuing its discounts on iPads so teachers whose primary iPad is running the Schoolwork App have a second iPad for watching porn.

The Supreme Court upheld the Trump Administration’s controversial travel ban from Muslim-centric countries, dealing a critical blow to immigration activists and causing a huge sigh of relief from American tourists flying home from the Middle East.

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Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas is set to open the first Wonder Woman roller coaster. It’s not very tall, but it has great curves.

  • The ride will be called Wonder Woman – Lasso of Truth. Guys can buy pictures of their girlfriends slapping them while on the coaster, as they helplessly blurt out the names of other girls they’d rather be riding it with.

Lara Trump, President Trump’s daughter-in-law, is the host of  a “news” video airing on Trump’s Facebook page. The video, meant to tout the Trump Administration’s accomplishments of the prior week, is set to air every six months.

  • No official name for the video yet, though the Trump camp is said to be fond of ‘Face News’.

NBC announced that Sylvester Stallone will be a guest on their hit series ‘This Is Us’, or as Stallone calls it, ‘Dishes Uh’. Insiders say Stallone will make 3 really great guest appearances, then another 3 or 4 really corny ones that you’ll never admit to watching.

The 1997 Honda Accord and the 1998 Honda Civic were the most-stolen vehicles in 2016. Honda’s CEO accepted the award from the editors of ‘Hot Car & Getaway Driver’ Magazine.

  • 2006 Ford Pickups rounded out the Top 3 most stolen. Thieves praised the payload of the Ford, saying it’s big enough to hold a 1998 Honda Civic.

Kissimmee and St Cloud, Florida are the first U.S. cities to experiment with using underground dumpsters to collect and hold city trash. Other Florida cities are balking at the half-million dollar expense, saying they’ll just wait and make underground dumpsters out of the sinkholes that open up.

Transcripts of Trump’s conversations with leaders of Australia & Mexico leaked to the press, including one in which Trump called New Hampshire a “drug infested den”. In Trump’s defense, he saw the slogan on New Hampshire license plates.

The Kennedy Center announced its 2017 honorees, including Gloria Estefan, LL Cool J, Lionel Richie and Norman Lear. After the list was read, Trump hurriedly made calls to soothe the hurt feelings of devastated artists Kid Rock & Ted Nugent.

CEO Shari McCoy is resigning from Avon, saying that while she will no longer be an Avon Lady, she looks forward to new challenges selling crap out of the trunk of her car.