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Donald Trump referred to himself as ‘Honest Don’ in a Truth Social post. And followed that up by announcing the grand opening Mar a Lago Used Auto Mall.

Five Iron Golf – an chain of indoor golf simulators, is growing in popularity and attracting investors. Many golfers actually prefer it because every 18 holes they save at least a half hour they’d spend looking for lost balls.

Kim Kardashian shared her facial treatment on Instagram before attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party – disappointing millions of followers who only saw Kim Kardashian Facial.

Kim’s Oscar night face regimen was detailed in a series of videos, whose collective run time was exceeded only by Killers Of The Flower Moon.

Madonna criticized a fan attending her concert for sitting down, then realized the fan was sitting in a wheelchair. Madonna later called out the fan for Vogue’ing with just their arms.

There’s growing concern among parents & child development experts over ‘Sephora Kids’ – tweens that spend money on expensive adult skincare regimens. It’s so bad, girls are tossing out Malibu Barbie because they’re worried about her melanoma risk.

A man in Lehigh County, Pennsylvania is wanted for exposing himself to a group of kids walking their dog. He escaped before the dog could positively ID him by sniffing his butt.

Crime in Oakland, California has reached the point where all Taco Bell locations are drive-thru only. Employees are delighted that they no longer have to clean the restrooms, although their job hosing down the parking lot is no picnic, either.

Wesley Burris, a New Mexico man who was treated for radiation exposure after 1945 nuclear tests there, said he has no ill will toward the movie ‘Oppenheimer‘. He does, however, want his money back for ‘Madame Web’.

A British influencer said a trip to Thailand showed her how expensive her life in England is, and that she’s cutting out four things that save her almost $1,000 month – daily coffees, restaurant dinners, new clothes, and trips to Thailand.

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Health officials warned customers to avoid purchasing food items at Family Dollar after 1,000 rodents were found in a Family Dollar distribution center. Despite this, long lines of cats could be seen outside stores holding dollar bills.

A singing group sued NBC and a pairs figure skating team for illegally using their song during their performance at the Winter Olympics. The pair failed to medal after standing in place on their skates doing the Macarena.

A former Louisiana school teacher was found guilty of multiple sex crimes, including serving students cupcakes made with her husband’s semen. Multiple students were rushed to area hospitals because of their nut allergies.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl halftime show, citing the $50 million dollar cost, and the possibility that the NFL will pick Imagine Dragons next year.

‘The Batman’ actor Paul Dano claimed he had difficulty sleeping at night because of his portrayal of the “terrifying” Riddler in the film. Meanwhile, actress Zoe Kravitz said she slept 16 hours a day playing Catwoman.

Queen Elizabeth has COVID, but says she’ll continue “light duties” at Windsor Castle. Which begs the question of what, exactly, are the “hard duties” of the Queen?

New Mexico is asking the National Guard to work as substitute teachers during a labor shortage caused by the pandemic. School nurses set up triage tents for students whose spitwads were returned with gunfire.

American bald eagles may once again be classified as endangered, since many tested positive for lead poisoning. The National Wildlife Service is telling bald eagle parents to stop building nests with old paint chips.

Winter Park, Colorado police shot and killed the bride’s uncle at her wedding reception, after he became drunk and fought with guests and responding officers. Investigators said the uncle’s intoxication was even more surprising because it was a cash bar.

Finnish cross-country skier Remi Lindholm suffered a frozen penis during his 60km event at the Winter Olympics. He placed 28th in the 60-man event, six inches ahead of the 29th-place finisher.

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Egypt paraded 22 mummies through the streets of Cairo as they moved between museums. The parade took 12 hours since the mummies were really dragging their feet.

A double-mutant COVID-19 strain emerged in California. It’s believed to have originated when Wolverine made out with Storm on the set of Maskless X-Men.

Republicans are railing against the idea of COVID-19 ‘vaccine passports’ – mainly because they’re older and not crazy about their passport photos.

Dubai police made multiple arrests after nude women were photographed on the balcony of an apartment building, in violation of public decency laws. They face fines and prison terms, while the property manager faces a tenfold increase in guys wanting to rent apartments there.

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man was arrested for stalking a female coworker by leaving candy & food on her doorstep, then shooting her husband when they emerged from their home. He remains in jail, while the raccoons that ate the candy and food try to bail him out.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck the Los Angeles area at around 4a.m. Monday, hoping to get the jump on traffic.

Cher apologized for a Tweet speculating if she were present at the murder of George Floyd, she could have helped. It started “if i could turn back tiiiiime..”

New Mexico has already administered COVID-19 vaccines to over 50% of residents. Local health officials credit both the efficiency of their plan, and New Mexico not offering much other interesting shit to do.

Katy Perry said she’s quit shaving her legs since becoming a Mom, describing herself as “fine, fresh, fierce ..and furry”.

Lizzo shared multiple photos on Instagram wearing a form-fitting purple dress with a lower-back cutout that exposed her butt crack. She had it made so she had somewhere to put her microphone while she’s clapping on stage.

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An Australian geologist posted video of his being attacked by an angry octopus. He was struck once in the neck, then sucker-punched seven more times.

Danielle ‘Bhad Bhabie’ Bregoli earned over $1 million in just five hours after opening an OnlyFans account, despite saying she “don’t have no big donkey booty”. Meanwhile rapper Big Donkey Booty grossed a paltry $35.

A Korean-American GOP candidate for Texas’ open congressional seat, Sery Kim, said she doesn’t want the U.S. to accept any Chinese immigrants. She’s expected to spend the next month explaining to Texans that there is a difference between China and Korea.

A baby boy in Iraq was born with triphallia, or three penises. His parents describe him as already being a great multitasker.

Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz reportedly took ecstasy, had sex with women in hotels, and paid them with money withdrawn from ATMs in the hotel lobbies. His Republican peers in Congress are condemning him for being dumb enough to pay the withdrawal fees at hotel lobby ATMs.

The CDC claims air travel is ‘low risk’ if travelers are fully vaccinated against COVID-19. However, they advise against buying Spirit Airlines $99 in-flight vaccine.

A man shopping at a New Mexico grocery store returned to his car and found 15,000 bees inside. He called 911 and a beekeeper arrived to remove them – but the dog and baby he left in the car were still kinda freaked out.

An MMA match was halted when one of the fighters lost his left ring finger during it. Worse, his girlfriend was planning to propose after he won.

A man golfing in Vancouver captured video of a bald eagle stalking and eating a seagull. The seagull’s life could have been spared, but it had already finished eating all the french fries.

The man arrested for swimming naked in Kendall Jenner’s pool was released, but then recaptured hours later attempting to enter Kylie Jenner’s house. He’s spent so much time creeping around Jenners & Kardashians that they’re calling him Scott Disick.