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A Missouri woman was arrested for putting Roundup weed killer in her husband’s soda after he wasn’t “appreciative” of the 50th birthday party she threw. The husband called police after noticing his Diet Mountain Dew tasted better.

Heavy rains struck Iowa, causing flooding and leading to concerns of a ‘fecal soup’ as manure storage facilities are damaged. Iowans say they might try the fecal soup, since the food options there are pretty limited.

Police in Los Angeles are considering criminal charges for whoever may have supplied late actor Matthew Perry with a lethal dose of ketamine. Persons of interest include Ugly Naked Guy and Fun Bobby.

More bars & restaurants are restricting entry to customers 30 & over. They say it cuts down on the number of loud, rowdy patrons, and keeps the servers from having to repeatedly say they don’t take Venmo or CashApp as payment next week sometime.

For the second year, Philadelphia was named the Most Walkable City In America by USA Today. For the tenth straight year, it was also named the Most Runnable City While Holding a Stab or Gunshot Wound by the American Medical Association.

Democrats are scrambling to limit the damage caused by President Biden’s disappointing performance in the first presidential debate – seeing if they can move the second debate to Amazon Prime Video or Peacock so fewer people will see it.

The NFL was fined $4.7 billion for violating antitrust laws by selling its ‘Sunday Ticket’ package of out-of-market games solely to DirecTV, and at an inflated price. Damages will be awarded to 26 million household & business customers, with extra punitive damages to anyone who paid specifically to watch Cleveland Browns games.

Oprah Winfrey said in an interview that she once declined an invitation to ‘Miami Vice’ star Don Johnson’s Christmas party because she was too fat – adding she was concerned Crockett would think she was Tubbs.

Taco Bell has entered the ‘Value Meal’ wars with the $7 Luxe Cravings deal. It includes a Chalupa Supreme taco, a 5-layer burrito, a double-stacked taco, chips with nacho cheese sauce, a medium drink, Immodium, and a note from the manager explaining why you can’t come to work tomorrow.

Riders of the New York City subway are concerned about plastic zip ties that appear to be used to hold parts of the track together. The transportation authority replied saying they’re not a concern, they’re just left over from damsels in distress being tied to the tracks by guys in top hats and capes.

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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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A GOP Senator who watched the White House security briefing on Iran called it “the worst briefing he’d ever seen”. Asked what made it so bad, he said “the 15 minutes of Trump 2020 ads and previews of other assassinations before it started”.

At his introductory press conference, Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy admitted lying in his job interview about watching every play of every 2019 Cowboys game. Similarly, Joe Judge, new coach of the New York Giants, is expected to admit he lied about wanting to be head coach of the New York Giants.

CEO Pat Brown of meat substitute company Impossible Foods attended the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, calling the meat industry “the most destructive technology on Earth by far.” Brown added that he hadn’t heard of Facebook or Twitter.

14 men & women beat out over 10,000 applicants to become members of the Disney Parks Moms Panel – a group that answers questions from people planning Disney vacations. So far, the most common question they’re asked by parents is how to ditch their kids.

Nintendo faces criticism for not providing prize money for Esports tournaments featuring its Super Smash Bros fighting game. The criticism comes from older parents hoping their 30-year-old sons win enough money to move out of the basement.

New York City’s subway removed 300 cars from service for safety reasons. Most were removed because doors could open while the car was moving; the rest because of the smell of people sleeping in them.

Carnival Cruise Lines is banning apparel with offensive, racist and obscene messages. Most cruise passengers approve of the ban, although it resulted in cancellation of the High Seas Gathering Of The Juggalos.

Verizon announced they’re no longer offering promotional pricing and introductory contracts on their tv, internet and phone service. Conversely, Comcast/Xfinity announced they’re no longer telling customers what they’re being charged until the bill arrives.

First cousins Angela Peang and Michael Lee, both 38, face jail time in their home state of Utah because Peang is five months pregnant with Lee’s baby – which is illegal in the state. They haven’t decided whether to have the child in Utah, or seek Inbred Asylum in Mississippi.

Amazon-owned Ring admitted that they fired employees because they watched videos of Ring camera users. The employees claimed it was for security reasons, but Amazon human resources countered that their pants were at their knees.