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A Seventh Day Adventist Pastor in The Bronx told parishioners women must submit to their husbands, and told husbands “the best person to rape is your wife”. Those in attendance questioned the need for a sermon at the kickoff for the church’s Holiday Bake Sale.

Philadelphia, which is approaching 500 homicide deaths in 2021, is calling for a Homicide Free Thanksgiving. But they promise to make it up to residents with an upcoming ’12 Days Of Homicide’ Christmas promotion.

Kyle Rittenhouse visited Donald Trump at Mar-A-Lago, but said if he wanted to eat Big Macs and watch Fox News, he could have just stayed home.

A 45-year-old man in Moradabad, India – declared dead after being hit by a motorcycle – was found alive after 7 hours in a morgue freezer. He was listed in critical condition following treatment on ‘defrost’ in a morgue microwave.

Apple delayed the rollout of its ‘Digital Drivers License’ feature – where you can add your license to Apple Wallet – until “early 2022”. On the bright side, teenagers can use Apple’s new ‘Digital Fake ID’ feature immediately.

Rolls-Royce claims to have developed the world’s fastest all-electric aircraft, reaching over 387 mph before crashing into a Tesla recharging station at an A-Plus Mini-Mart.

Scientists were stunned to find a 10,000-year-old mammoth tusk at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, adding that the tusk was incredibly well-preserved, as was the note telling the mammoth it failed its junior lifeguard exam.

A bizarre species of tropical bees, known as “vulture bees”, forego pollen and eat meat from dead animal carcasses instead. Vulture bees were discovered when South American beekeepers opened hives and found Slim Jims instead of honey.

Dick Vitale returned to courtside for ESPN, calling the NCAA basketball game between Gonzaga and UCLA while he continues treatment for lymphoma. Vitale cried when he was introduced, causing millions of viewers to temporarily unmute their TVs.

Steve Burton, 51, an actor on ‘General Hospital’ for the last 30 years, was fired for refusing to get COVID-19 vaccines, and that he’d take his chances at Actual Hospital.

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Japan will release contaminated wastewater from the closed Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean over the course of ten years. The bad news is nuclear contamination; the good news is octopuses will have 16 legs.

Wyatt Pike, a singer who’d made the top 12 finalists on American Idol, abruptly quit the contest for “personal reasons”. It’s the most memorable thing an American Idol contestant or winner has done in the last 15 years.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced White Claw Surge, with a higher alcohol content of 8%. “Surge” represents the stomach contents of underage drinkers.

NBC will air ‘Roll Up Your Sleeves’, a special where celebrities, the Bidens, and Obamas discuss the importance of COVID-19 vaccines. Fox will air a competing special, ‘Pull Down Your Pants’, a reading of text messages from Donald Trump and Matt Gaetz.

The Buffalo Bills announced a COVID-19 vaccine will be required to attend games in the fall, in addition to the current requirement of failing a breathalyzer.

Subway closed over 1,800 locations since the beginning of the pandemic. Experts say they’ve been hurt by the lack of drive-thrus, and not having a chicken sandwich, which violates Subway’s policy of putting a visible amount of meat on bread.

A women’s soccer match between the Portland Thorns and Kansas City NWSL ended in fights, with four players being ejected. The fights started because of rough play, and players angry that their teammates wore the same outfit and shoes.

Investigators seized the iPhone of Congressman Matt Gaetz as part of their investigation into alleged trafficking. Gaetz was just two weeks away from an upgrade to a new phone without Venmo payments for sex with teenagers.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star Colton Underwood came out as gay. Bachelorettes say this explains their nights with him in the ‘Fantasy Suites’ singing Lady Gaga karaoke and making Grindr profiles as a ‘goof’.

Egypt impounded the Ever Given, saying the ship’s Japanese owner owes $900 million for the week it blocked the Suez Canal, and for the operation to free it. It’s the largest fine ever levied in Egyptian Traffic Court.

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Scientists say up to a million seabirds were killed by a “blob” of warm water in the Northeast Pacific Ocean.  A family of whales apologized, but said they all really needed to piss.

The man who “took out” an active shooter with his own gun at a North Texas Church is being recognized with the state’s Medal Of Courage.  Then, next Sunday, he’ll give parishioners a free show shooting tin cans off of Jesus’ head and outstretched hands.

At the Singapore Motor Show, a custom Subaru was on display as the Forester Ultimate Customized Kit Special edition. Subaru denied involvement with the name, while adding that – because it’s a Special edition – they only have so many F.U.C.K.S. to sell. [story h/t to J.O.]

The FDA approved a Philadelphia company’s cocaine-based drug, Numbrino, which is to be used as a painkiller for nasal surgery. The FDA added that they’re not crazy about the drug being sold by pharmacists in restrooms of Philadelphia bars.

An eating disorders specialist who weighed 325 pounds lost 175 pounds through bariatric surgery and cutting out sugar. She said that she feels much better, and that her clients don’t roll their eyes behind her back as much.

Joyce Churchwell, an Oklahoma teacher and volleyball coach, was arrested for allegedly having a threesome with a male high school student and another adult female. The student described the encounter as “a lot of bumping and spiking.”

Kylie and Kendall Jenner are being sued for stealing copyrighted lace designs from company Klauber Brothers Inc, and using them in their ‘Kylie + Kendall’ lingerie products.  Klauber Brothers claims that if there’s one thing NBA athletes and rappers care about when they’re tearing off lingerie, it’s unique lace.

Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, an Arizona Democrat, is entering a treatment program for alcohol dependence. She’s the only thing in Arizona that isn’t dry.

In a rare political ritual, members of the U.S. House of Representatives walked the Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump to the U.S. Senate. The Senate took possession of them, then walked around looking for the intern who knows how to use the Scan function on the copier.

Dog walking is emerging as a highly popular and lucrative ‘side hustle’, with owners paying $20 to $30 for a 30-minute walk. Experts warn that some dog walkers will try to cut the half-hour short by using Snausages with Laxatives.

 

 

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The Center for Whale Research reported that a mourning mother orca carried the body of its dead baby for several days in the Pacific Ocean. The mother orca also tore the heads off of several sharks who told unfortunate ‘dead baby’ jokes.

Alt-rock band Jimmy Eat World took to Twitter to give the origin story for their band name. Most people gave it a half-minute then switched on to something else.

Moviepass reportedly ran out of cash to pay for its subscribers’ movie tickets last week, causing an outage in the service while they secured more funding. In the meantime, the Moviepass app gave advice on which theater exit doors were the easiest to open from the outside and sneak in.

Gun control advocates are trying to stop the August 1st release of files for plastic firearms to be made on 3D printers. Terrorists are already fighting with each other over guns they’ve tried printing, since they don’t know what it means to “open door A and clear jam.”

A recruiting manager for Amazon told Business Insider the biggest mistake applicants make on their resumes is emphasizing big-name companies and lofty job titles instead of achievements. She said communicating your results is the key to Amazon picking you for a $14/hour job with 90-second timed bathroom breaks.

In Palo Alto, California, a 17-year-old boy broke into a couple’s home and demanded to use their wifi, telling one homeowner that he’d run out of cellular data. He was shoved out of the house and captured shortly thereafter, with police dubbing him The Boost Mobile Bandit.

Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti claims that in addition to Daniels and Playmate Karen McDougal, Donald Trump paid ‘hush money’ to at least 3 more women with whom he had sexual affairs. Avenatti is seeking to get their names, to meet his goal of having at least 4 female clients with ginormous boobs.

A woman in Scotland capturing video of a thunderstorm on her iPhone was struck by lightning, and claims that the rubber case she’d placed on the phone that day saved her life. Not only that, but she now says she can recharge her phone just by holding it.

Police in Navarro County, Texas used bulldozers to access and seize a five-acre marijuana growing compound. To ward off potential thieves, the growers had placed a scarecrow in a hammock holding an assault rifle. “Wasn’t me” confirmed NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch.

 

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A self-driving electric shuttle van in Las Vegas collided with a delivery truck within an hour of deployment on the city’s streets. The shuttle immediately fled the accident scene and was apprehended in a strip club parking lot, charged with reckless endangerment and possession of methamphetamine.

Congress is seeking to stem the illegal flow of cellphones into prisons. One U.S. Representative introduced a bill to cap jailed felons’ data plans at 1 gig/month.

  • The Federal Bureau of Prisons confiscated over 5,000 cellphones in 2016. Guards became suspicious when Hello Kitty iPhone cases became the top seller at federal penitentiary commissaries.

Pope Francis has banned the sale of cigarettes at the Vatican starting in 2018. “Now what are we going to put in our mouths and suck on?” asked priests.

An FBI counterterrorism supervisor in North Carolina reportedly got drunk and had his gun, Rolex watch and $60 cash stolen by an exotic dancer he took to his hotel room. President Trump announced even more extreme vetting of exotic dancers by the FBI and himself personally. [h/t to J. Koppel]

  • The FBI raised the terror threat level to Orange at the Boom Boom Room in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Outgoing Starbucks CEO Howard Schulz slammed the GOP tax plan as ‘fools gold’, implying that it will only help the wealthy and not lead to a more compassionate society. He then looked on as a $9/hour worker bought a $6 latte.

Apple refutes an FBI claim that it hasn’t helped their Quantico office in unlocking Texas church shooter Devin Kelley’s iPhone, saying they have no record of the office requesting an appointment at the Genius Bar.

Homeland Security conducted undercover tests and found Transportation Security Administration airport screeners failed to detect test weapons at a ‘disturbingly’ high rate.  The head of the TSA replied that workers lacked motivation – due to budget cuts, screeners who successfully found contraband no longer received Pupperoni.

Facebook continues to encroach on Craigslist territory with the introduction of property rentals to its rapidly growing Facebook Marketplace section. However, investment analysts warn that while Facebook Marketplace has grown 300% since its launch, it still lags Craigslist in market share among murderous creeps.

China’s President Xi Jinping said in a joint news conference with President Trump “the Pacific Ocean is big enough to accommodate China and the United States.” While Trump thought Xi was talking about free trade, he was really talking about global warming.

Portia de Rossi and Julianna Margulies have each come forward to allege sexual harassment by actor Steven Seagal. The two actresses say they waited to go public, citing the embarrassment of others knowing they wanted to be in a Steven Seagal movie.