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Dr. Pepper is now the U.S.’ 2nd-most-popular soda, surpassing Pepsi and trailing Coca-Cola. Mountain Dew remains the most popular soda-related cause of organ failure.

A man who survived a shark attack while swimming at a California beach said he repeatedly punched it in the face. The man was treated for bites to his hand, arm, and torso – and officials are looking for a shark with a black eye.

This is Pat Sajak’s last week hosting Wheel Of Fortune, but said in an interview he could have kept going, mainly because he’s paid eight figures to spin a wheel once, say numbers and letters, and be a dick to people.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft team said a “computer issue” caused them to abort launch for a second time. The Windows operating system update said “this will take a minute” and was stuck on 2% Complete for a half-hour.

Cyndi Lauper announced her final in-person shows, the Girls Just Want To Have Menopause Tour

A 74-year-old Nebraska woman – pronounced dead at a hospice care facility – was found breathing after being transported to a funeral home. For their part, the ambulance company offered a discount on a second round trip between the two facilities next week.

Utah’s NHL team – the former Arizona Coyotes – reportedly has four finalists for a team name: Mammoth; Yeti; & two others. The last two weren’t named by the team’s new owner, but Bigamists and Joseph Smiths are believed to be in the running.

A University of Pennsylvania study claims daily Omega-3 fatty acid supplements correlate with a 22% reduction in aggressive behavior. The study followed gang members who took Omega-3 and shot 22% fewer people while enjoying lower cholesterol and blood pressure.

Medical startup Sword Health showcased a new AI that can talk to sick people during appointments. So far it knows “we aren’t accepting new patients”; “we don’t take that insurance”; and “have you tried Tylenol?”

The owner of the world’s largest collection of fossilized poop is showcasing it at his new ‘Poozeum’ in Arizona. There are samples from ancient dinosaurs, as well as new exhibits featuring Rupert Murdoch, Joe Biden & Donald Trump.

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A Delta Airlines jet safely landed at Charlotte Airport without its nose gear. “Got your nose gear!”, said a flock of passing geese.

Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly so disliked at FCI Tallahassee that she’s been dubbed Prison Karen for her constant complaints about the lack of vegan food options and her inability to get black hair dye. It must be bad because she’s the only woman offering massage therapy and not getting any takers.

Madonna postponed her upcoming tour after being hospitalized with a severe bacterial infection. She recovering, and issued a statement “we are living in a bacterial world, and I am a bacterial girl.”

Kevin Costner’s estranged wife is demanding $248,000/month for child support. Costner alleges that some of the money is going to plastic surgery, so his ex amended her demand to Child/Breast/Buttock Support.

Following the change of hosts from Pat Sajak to Ryan Seacrest, hostess Vanna White is negotiating a raise in her reported $3 million annual salary. So far, she hasn’t solved Sony Entertainment’s latest offer of Y__’RE N_T GETT_NG __RE __NEY.

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly cooperating in an investigation of Donald Trump’s attempt to reverse the 2020 election. Giuliani is being held in protective custody by New York City’s newly appointed Rat Czar.

Twitter is reportedly rejoining a group battling online child sex abuse. This, after the group agreed to pay $5/month for Twitter Blue.

The Supreme Court is set to rule on student loan forgiveness programs. It’s not certain how they’ll rule, but Burger King is reportedly flooded with new applications.

The World Health Organization is reportedly planning to announce artificial sweetener aspartame as a possible carcinogen, making it the 237th good reason not to drink Diet Coke.

ESPN announced they’re laying off as many as 20 longtime on-air broadcasters & hosts. It’s expected to save parent company ABC/Disney millions of dollars, and save wear-and-tear on the Mute buttons of viewers everywhere.

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A 76-year-old woman in Ecuador who’d been declared dead was alive and pounding on the lid of her coffin at her wake. Her family is demanding that the funeral home remove embalming charges from their bill.

Paul McCartney said a ‘final’ Beatles song is forthcoming, completed with the help of artificial intelligence. The artificial intelligence convinced John to dump Yoko.

As of Monday, Donald Trump still had not found a local attorney to represent him at his federal indictment in Miami. Attorneys are so convinced he won’t pay them that they’ve all replaced their billboard ads with pictures of missing children.

Theranos founder and convicted felon Elizabeth Holmes said she won’t be able to pay $250/month restitution once her prison sentence ends in 11 years, when she’ll be 50. The judge told her to stay in shape just in case she has to resort to Only Fans.

Nine people were injured after gunfire erupted outside Ball Arena in Denver after the hometown Denver Nuggets won their first NBA championship. Shell casings reveal the shooters went 9-for-20.

Pat Sajak will retire as host of Wheel Of Fortune after next season. Not to be outdone, Vanna White announced she’s going celibate, that she’s touched her last D.

A cannon was stolen from historic Fort Mifflin in South Philadelphia sometime in early June. Investigators believe the thieves already had a lot of balls.

Nilla Fischer, a member of Sweden’s women’s national soccer team, said they had to show their genitals to a team medical staffer to prove they were females during the 2011 World Cup. Fischer said she wonders whatever happened to backup goalie Hildegarde, who was released.

Trans activist Rose Montoya lowered her dress and bared her breasts after meeting President Biden during a Pride event at the White House. Montoya was roundly criticized for poor taste, and critcized by Melania Trump for not getting any money showing her boobs.

Instagram influencers Racquelle Anteola, a rapper, and Melissa Dufour, a fitness entrepreneur, were arrested after cops found 216 pounds of cocaine hidden in the floor of their SUV. The cocaine was charged with driving under the influencers.

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A JetBlue pilot with a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit was removed from the cockpit of a flight departing Buffalo, NY. He was later fired and stripped of his Buffalo wings.

Melinda French Gates, ex-wife of Bill Gates, opened up about her divorce in an interview with CBS, saying “I couldn’t trust what we had” adding “except, you know, for the billions and billions of dollars”..

‘Miss Teen Washington’ winner Kate Wilson, 17, faced calls to step down after an old Tik Tok video emerged showing her using the n-word. No word on her decision, but she may just switch to Miss Teen Alabama.

An Argentinian teenager was electrocuted after leaving the family dinner table to charge his phone. Unlike the teen, his meal got cold.

The January 6th Committee assert Donald Trump and his lawyer collaborated in a criminal conspiracy to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. The Committee said they’ll be adding this criminal charge to the pile.

Some Russian oligarchs are speaking out cautiously against the war in Ukraine; specifically, the ones with no plans to see President Putin anytime soon.

Kim Kardashian was declared legally single, after a California judge issued a first-of-its-kind divorce decree on Instagram.

Premature menopause is linked to dementia risk. While that is cause for concern, these women can worry less about forgetting to take birth control.

A Wisconsin woman choked her lover to death during sex and then dismembered him, putting his head and genitals in a bucket and his legs in a Crock Pot. She forfeited her entry in her church’s upcoming chili cookoff.

Wheel Of Fortune host Pat Sajak took to Twitter to defend three contestants whose inability to solve a near-complete puzzle ‘ANOTHER FEATHER _N YO_R _A_’ captivated social media. Sajak cited the pressure of the game, and that he tipped his lap to their courage.

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Camden, Arkansas police officer LC ‘Buckshot’ Smith is 91 years old and has no plans to retire. He drives an unmarked police car, or at least that’s what they told him after they took the Paw Patrol decals off of it.

Wheel of Fortune’s Pat Sajak may have made a suggestive remark when a woman asked for a ‘D’ during the show, replying “she wants a D and she’s going to get one”. Sajak defended his comment, since she solved the puzzle: I WANT THAT DICK.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic and his husband are getting a divorce after three years of marriage, citing Joe’s imprisonment and the inability to have conjungle visits.

A new study reports wine tasters give higher ratings to wine if they’ve been told it costs more. The research followed 200 hoboes, half of whom were told Thunderbird cost $4 instead of $2.

The Ever Given, a freight ship stuck in the Suez Canal for days, was finally freed by a high tide. However, several smaller ships drowned in the subsequent rip current.

Research following 20,000 adults aged 20 & over finds frequent consumption of restaurant meals increases the likelihood of early death. And by ‘early death’ they mean Wendy’s & McDonald’s breakfast.

A serial killer on Indiana’s death row died of brain cancer in a hospital. His doctors were unsuccessful treating him with 2,500 volts of radiation.

A researcher used an artificial intelligence text-generating tool to write pickup lines. Most are terrible, but some are good enough that manufacturers are making talking vibrators.

When the NFL Draft starts on April 29th, consensus #1 pick Trevor Lawrence won’t be there in person. Lawrence will watch at home, as will many other top picks once they remember it’s happening in Cleveland.

Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening Dick’s House of Sports in Rochester, NY – billed as their first “experiential, hands-on” store. Staff turnover has been challenging due to the nonstop procession of shoppers asking if “this is the hands-on Dicks. “

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Congressional Democrats are set to introduce the first two Articles of Impeachment against President Trump: abuse of power; and obstruction of Congress. Others are expected,  including:  spelling & grammar; potty mouth; and cheating at golf.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary named “they” the 2019 Word of the Year, edging out “he-she”.

A Philadelphia suburb is moving toward requiring homeowners to put house numbers on the back of houses. The purpose is to make the homes easier to identify for first responders, burglars, and really confused mail carriers.

Website Malwarebytes issued an editorial urging consumers not to buy and install video doorbells. They say the doorbell makers are providing too much video content to police and 3rd parties, and are vulnerable to hacks. Malwarebytes is owned by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

NASA stress-tested the fuel tank of its new Space Launch System rocket by seeing what it would take to blow a hole in it. Surprisingly, all it took was filling it with Mountain Dew.

A former Harvard geneticist wants to create a dating app based on people’s DNA. It’s the first dating app where users swap spit by mail.

An analysis by consumer research group ‘Simple. Thrifty. Living.’ finds Hawaii is the most expensive state to operate a Christmas light display. It costs an average of $46.62 in electric bills, and another $600 for the flight to get there.

A fifth grade social studies teacher in Missouri is suspended after giving students an in-class worksheet asking them to set a “price for a slave” as they learned about colonial America. Worse, she failed students who set the price too low without the inventory to back it up.

A team of Chinese researchers generated the first piglets created by combining stem cells from monkeys with fertilized pig embryos. The animals, known as pig-monkey chimeras, were called “delicious”.

Vanna White hosted ‘Wheel of Fortune’ while Pat Sajak recovers from emergency surgery. Letter-turning was handled by Minnie Mouse, who was told by producers to wear shorter, tighter dresses.