By |

The Washington Post suspended writer Dave Weigel for a month for retweeting the joke “Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.” Weigel is remorseful, with a co-worker saying the suspension not only rectum, it practically killed him.

The mother of a two-year-old who shot and killed his father is being charged with manslaughter. The toddler said it’s the only way his mother would put Paw Patrol back on.

Microsoft virtual reality chief Alex Kipman resigned over accusations of inappropriate behavior toward women, and of watching ‘virtual reality porn’ in the office. Women claim Kipman would wear VR glasses in meetings and squeeze stress balls with his arms extended.

Fox News will not air the January 6th Committee’s primetime hearings on Thursday. However, they’re not sure Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson & Laura Ingraham can hold their audience, so they made the unprecedented move to air a Matlock marathon.

Season 4 of Netflix hit Stranger Things propelled 1985 Kate Bush song ‘Running Up That Hill’ to Top 10 spots on U.S. and U.K, singles charts. However, no such luck for Wham! rerelease ‘Wake Me Up Before You DemoGo-Go-Gorgon’.

Philadelphia’s Made In America Festival announced its lineup for 2022 – headlined by Bad Bunny, Tyler The Creator, and bulletproof VIP viewing tents.

The European Union announced that in 2024, all smartphones and electronics must use a standard charger such as USB-C for regulatory approval. Apple said they’re okay, so long as they can continue selling $35 cords that break in two weeks.

As U.S. states enact strict abortion regulations amidst the expected reversal of Roe v Wade, direct-to-home abortion pill startup businesses are getting interest, such as Uber Broken Condom and Plan UPS.

Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro, speaking after his arrest for Contempt of Congress, claimed he was treated worse than illegal immigrants & Al Qaeda terrorists. Arresting officers deny this, saying Navarro was actually waterboarded with Kool-Aid.

Stars of reality tv show Chrisley Knows Best, Todd & Julie Chrisley, were found guilty of defrauding banks out of $30 million in personal loans. While their own show was cancelled, they’ll be special guests on future episodes of Love After Lockup.

By |

Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

By |

A huge forest fire continues to burn across parts of New Jersey. State officials are hoping to make it go away by billing it for insurance and property taxes.

NASA’s solar orbiters captured video of the sun releasing a huge plasma ejection. Then the sun cleared its browser history and smoked a cigarette.

Andrew Giuliani, son of Rudy, announced he’s running for Governor of New York at a press event at Empire State Total Landscaping.

Government doctors advise colorectal screenings should start at age 45, because patients are nicer to look at than they are at 50 or 60.

China landed its first-ever rover on Mars. It’ll begin sending data back to China’s space agency in about two weeks, after it completes registration at the Mars Department of Motor Vehicles.

A Long Branch, New Jersey police officer was arrested for operating a meth lab in his house. Asked why he did it, he said he wanted to win the blue ribbon in the New Jersey State Fair cook-off.

A new report claims McDonald’s franchises are bypassing food safety protocols to keep ice cream machines working. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying they don’t have food safety protocols.

A father in Maine was arrested after his two-year-old son shot him & his wife with a Glock 9mm handgun. The man surrendered to police at the hospital, but only after complying with the shooter’s demands to turn on Paw Patrol.

For the first time in its history, NBC won’t have a sitcom on their fall tv schedule. This, after the pilot for ‘Untitled Chris D’Elia/Tony Hinchcliffe Project’ tested poorly. [story h/t to D.J.]

A six-foot alligator chased terrified pedestrians in a Wendy’s parking lot in Lehigh Acres, Florida. They were less scared, however, when they were later chased by Son of Alligator.

By |

The American Academy of Opthalmology reports pinkeye can be an early indicator of COVID-19 infection – an opinion shared by the American Academy of Ass-Eaters.

3.28 million workers applied for unemployment benefits last week – spiking both the unemployment rate and boring stories from grandparents who say they never called in sick, ever.

Men are 50% more likely to die from COVID-19 infection, since they won’t ask directions to testing sites.

The $2 trillion federal stimulus package suspends student loan payments for six months, which probably makes it a full year when tacked on to your lazy slacker kid’s repayment record.

AMC movie theatres laid off all 600 corporate employees. If you’d like to donate $10 to a relief fund, you’ll get a small popcorn – same as usual.

The Great Barrier Reef just experienced its most widespread bleaching event on record. It’s killing the corals, but sea turtles are just relieved it’s disinfected.

Media regulator Ofcom claims microwave oven usage slows down wifi signals. They advise you to heat pizza rolls first, then start your porno movie.

Idaho’s governor approved a new law making 16 the minimum age for people to get married in the state, leaving Idaho wedding planners holding the bag on thousands of dollars worth of Paw Patrol-themed wedding decorations.

  • “Great, now we have to get bus tickets to Mississippi” said a couple of hopeless romantic 12-year-olds.

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, married Chandler Powell in Queensland’s Australia Zoo. The second-hardest part was holding the ceremony during COVID-19 lockdown; the hardest part was getting the orangutans into bridesmaid dresses.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that the state’s social distancing efforts may be working to slow the spread of COVID-19.  Hot New York City chicks say it’s also working to ghost their soon-to-be-ex-boyfriends.