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Historians have traced the romantic act of kissing on the lips as far back as 4,500 years, which is also when they discovery date of the first-ever Friend Zone.

The White House briefed lawmakers on a ‘serious national security threat’ related to Russia. They wouldn’t provide specifics, but said the threat probably had a Big Mac and Diet Coke for lunch before it went golfing.

Singles are reportedly sick of dating apps, and are increasingly attending in-person singles mixers to find partners. For their part, Tinder and Grindr say the “singles mixers” they help set up are still going strong.

The inventor of Pop-Tarts has died. He chose not to be cremated, but lightly browned.

Waymo, the self-driving car division of Google, recalled software after two of its vehicles struck the same truck. The truck had apparently cut them both off, spurring robot rage.

A sinkhole in Wilmington, Delaware partiallly swallowed a United States Postal Service truck. Fortunately, the rats living beneath the street were able to retrieve their Priority Mail packages themselves.

Two moms who work at McDonald’s are suing, because they say their break time is insufficient to pump breast milk, and that there’s no private place to do it. They also say they’re tired of managers suggesting they put any extra in the McFlurry machine.

A former Penn State University professor who’d already been arrested for having sex with his pet collie was arrested again for nudity in a public park with a tree branch and a Tootsie Pop in his rectum. Meanwhile, the collie just wants to move on with her life.

Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who famously identified as black, was fired from an elementary school teaching job over her OnlyFans account. She’s also confusing the OnlyFans customers who find her in the Ebony section.

The U.S. Government is looking to sell the seized $300 million yacht of a Russian oligarch because it costs $600,000 per month to maintain – including cleaning, marina rental, and feeding 200 prostitutes.

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Police charged a Florida lawyer for a series of bank robberies. They caught him after he sent each bank a bill for $150 for an hour’s worth of work, even though he was only there a few minutes.

Kim Kardashian turned 40. Her breasts, buttocks and lip fillers all turned 22.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s deposition in Jeffrey Epstein’s sex-trafficking case was unsealed, along with her notes written in purple gel pen ink reading “Do you like Jeffrey? [Circle One] YES NO “

Google shut down streaming service Google Play Music. It’s now Google Won’t Play Music.

Whole Foods announced one-hour grocery delivery, or about ten minutes longer than it takes for your organic produce to go bad.

Miami Dolphins head coach Brian Flores said first round draft pick Tua Tagovailoa will take over as the team’s starting quarterback. “Tagovailoa – you’re it” said Flores.

A Colorado woman was charged with misdemeanors after her pet deer gored a neighbor with its antlers. The attack cost the woman dearly, as she was forced to surrender one buck and another $1000 of her dough.

Iranians are allegedly sending threatening emails to registered U.S. voters, pretending to be white supremacists the Proud Boys. Asked why they chose Proud Boys, Iranians said because they already have the beards and the guns.

A volunteer in Astra Zeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine trial died of COVID-19, but Astra Zeneca said he was in the control group and given a placebo. Astra Zeneca said after thinking about it, they’ll still pay him the $200 participant fee.

Penn State men’s basketball coach Pat Chambers resigned following a university investigation of inappropriate conduct. Penn State officials struggled to accept the resignation, because Chambers hadn’t molested anyone.

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Penn State University researchers say mouthwashes and oral rinses kill coronavirus. They studied several hundred Penn State freshman & sophomore dorm residents who really needed to wash their mouths out for some reason.

Netflix canceled Hillary Swank astronaut drama Away after one season. They’re considering merging it with another Netflix series recently cancelled after one season to make Teenage Bounty Hunters In Outer Space.

Melania Trump cancelled a planned appearance at her husband’s rally in Erie, Pennsylvania, citing a nagging cough, and also citing the rally being in Erie, Pennsylvania.

USA Today gave its first-ever presidential candidate endorsement to Joe Biden, although most people didn’t see it because they only read the red and purple sections.

As expected the Department of Justice filed antitrust charges against Google. Google denied monopoly power of its search technology, saying if people wanted to, they could use Bing. Then they ended the Zoom meeting and laughed for 20 minutes.

Ford unveiled a new self=driving vehicle it hopes to launch in 2022. It starts by memorizing familiar routes for Ford vehicles, like the way to the repair shop.

Donald Trump abruptly ended what was to have been a longer interview with 60 Minutes Lesley Stahl after 45 minutes, then did not return. Stahl said she regretted scheduling the interview when The Bachelorette was on.

California set a timetable for large theme parks like Disneyland to reopen at partial capacity – now it’s a race against time for princesses to fit into their dresses.

An estimated 67,000 felons residing in Florida are currently registered to vote – 67,003 if you count the guys currently robbing the bank across from a polling place.

A Texas woman died on a plane of COVID-19. Several Spirit Airlines passengers also died of unknown causes, which a spokesperson for Spirit Airlines called “a Tuesday”.

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A Texas woman, accused of sending explosives to Barack Obama and Texas Governor Greg Abbott, was apprehended by federal authorities. Investigators matched a cat hair found under the shipping label on one of the packages to the woman’s cat – who has entered the Witness Protection Program at an undisclosed retirement community.

Researchers at Penn State University write that the common housefly is more disgusting than originally thought, acting as an “airborne shuttle for disease”. Penn State was immediately sued by American Airlines, who trademarked the phrase “airborne shuttle for disease.”

Boulder, Colorado was named the Happiest City in America. Respondents cited the wide availability of recreational marijuana and…that’s about it.

A hunter in Sherman, New York shot and killed a woman after mistaking her for a deer. “That’s no dear, that was my wife!” said her cut-up widowed husband.

Four pit bulls attacked a man behind a Philadelphia home on Thanksgiving night, and the man died later at a hospital. However, local news reported that the dog bites were not the cause of death, leading to speculation that the man had complained to the dogs about illness from the Thanksgiving dinner they made for him.

Arizona State University rescinded a journalistic excellence award it presented to Charlie Rose in 2015. However, since Rose walked naked in front of women and repeatedly made lewd overtures to them, he’s been named the Honorary Chairman of every Arizona State fraternity.

Macy’s credit card processors stopped working for an extended period on Black Friday. “Credit card processors” are what Macy’s calls the angry men & women working the checkout.

President Trump tweeted that he was approached by Time Magazine to be their 2017 Person of the Year, but that he turned it down because it would require a lengthy interview and photo shoot. Time writers & photographers are reportedly bummed out because now they have to go all the way to North Korea.

A Dartmouth University study reveals that people who shop at warehouse clubs like Costco, Sam’s and BJ’s eat 11% more fat and 5% more sugar than those who don’t shop at clubs. Club members were shocked by the information and assumed they were getting at least 20% more fat and 10% more sugar by buying in bulk.

Apple is facing new accusations that its iPhone X is being manufactured by Chinese high school students who work 11-hour days to meet a mandatory “work experience” requirement to graduate. Apple CEO Tim Cook, speaking at a high school graduation, told students “this isn’t the end of your iPhone X assembly career, it’s the beginning of your iPad assembly career.”

A burned body was found on top of a SEPTA Regional Rail car in downtown Philadelphia. Riders of the train reported that it still smelled better than most of the passengers.