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The Bidens adopted a two-year-old cat, Willow. It’s the first pussy in the White House in five years that hasn’t had to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

A bridge in a Pittsburgh park collapsed just prior to a visit from President Biden to discuss repairs to infrastructure. Joe Manchin & Kirsten Sinema aren’t sure the bridge needs fixing.

Two Philadelphia 76ers fans were ejected frrom the team’s game against the Los Angeles Lakers for repeatedly yelling the taunt “boy” at Lakers Carmelo Anthony. They’ll be entered into a diversion program and taught to throw batteries.

A couple was arrested and charged with using fake vaccine cards to attend the Buffalo Bills home playoff game against the New England Patriots. It’s the first time that someone faked credentials in order to contract frostbite.

Minnie Mouse is trading in her dress for a Stella McCartney pantsuit. “I’ve been asking for pants for almost a hundred f**kin’ years!” said a furious Donald Duck.

A study suggests four factors influence the likelihood someone will have long-term effects of COVID-19, including viral load, diabetes, existing antibodies, and failure to follow through on doing their own research.

Apple announced it has over 1.8 billion active devices, and about 11 billion in drawers with broken screens.

Octomom’s eight children turned 13, and each received a fire extinguisher to put out 104 birthday candles.

Investment website Robinhood reported disastrous earnings and an erosion of its user base. It plans to correct the course by robbing rich customers and giving the money to itself.

Pennsylvania’s state-owned liquor authority opened a free lottery where winners can buy rare Pappy van Winkle whiskeys for prices of $299-$399 per bottle. They’ll also continue to sell regular $10/bottle whiskey that makes regular people feel like they just won a lottery.

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In Japan, 1,000 people were stuck in their cars overnight in a 9-mile long traffic jam caused by snow, and a guy trying to parallel park.

A hostile Russian hacking campaign is much bigger than initially thought, according to the CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, and a kid in D.C. who said Zoom didn’t work as he skipped virtual school.

Vice President Mike Pence received the COVID-19 vaccine, once Mother arrived to hold his hand.

Alabama workers at an Amazon warehouse are voting on becoming the first U.S. union of Amazon employees. They’re seeking higher wages, better healthcare, and larger bottles to piss in during their shifts.

The Securities and Exchange Commission fined online trading company Robinhood $65 million for misleading investors. They’ll transfer the funds to the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Jeremy Bulloch, a British actor who portrayed Boba Fett in the original Star Wars trilogy, died at age 75, surrounded by family and Ewoks.

Five crew members have reportedly quit Mission Impossible 7 after another COVID protocol rant from Tom Cruise. The workers said they didn’t quit, they just listened to Cruise and refused to accept their mission.

McDonald’s is putting cameras in their garbage dumpsters. The cameras are measuring efficiency of recycling efforts, and gathering feedback to see how sick raccoons are getting from eating McRib.

Winter storm Gail dumped almost four feet of snow in the Southern Tier of New York State. Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency, and the opening of New York’s first COVID-19 ICI units – Intensive Care Igloos.

Harley-Davidson debuted its new Serial 1 electric bicycles. They can reach 20mph on electric power, cost between $3,400 -$5,000, and will be used by the least-scary biker gang in history.

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The New York Times reports that President Trump wanted to fire Special Investigator Robert Mueller last June but was talked out of it, by White House Senior Counsel Stormy Daniels.

‘Fire And Fury’ author Michael Wolff is allegedly behind a new rumor linking President Trump in a sexual affair with U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley. Rumors were fueled by recent refills of Cialis with the Presidential seal shipped to the U.N., and Secret Service carrying supersoakers full of lubricant.

President Trump is ordering a 20% tariff on imported washing machines, which is what he calls Haitians.

A new study of Australian teenagers in journal Lancet Public Health claims that parents who provide alcohol to underage teens may increase their alcohol-related risks later in life, but the underage drinking teens will make an above-average Manhattan.

Former tv star Adam Hicks, of the Disney sitcom Zeke and Luther, was arrested along with an accomplice and charged with four armed robberies of pedestrians in Burbank California. Hicks was held on $350,000 bail and is scheduled to receive the coveted Dana Plato Child Actor Lifetime Achievement Award.

2017 Oscar winner Casey Affleck has backed out of presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar, saying none of them are all that hot, anyway.

Actress Brie Larson was photographed in costume on the set of the upcoming Captain Marvel film. Website The Nerdist wrote that “her costume isn’t quite what we expected” since it’s shades of green instead of blue, red & gold. That’s right, in 2018, even female superheroes can get blasted by geeks for their outfit choice.

Apple previewed upcoming iOS release 11.3, which will feature new Animojis, battery-management tools and updates to Apple Pay. The system will be available for download in the spring, and you’ll be able to use it by the end of summer.

Fistfights and riots broke out at locations of the French supermarket chain Intermarche, as shoppers battled to get containers of Nutella at a 70% discount. In several instances, French police were called to dispense wine and cigarettes to get everyone to calm down.

Zero-commission stock trading app Robinhood added zero-fee cryptocurrency trading, making it easier for people with smartphones to buy and sell something that they know absolutely nothing about.

A new startup, Cargo, raised millions in funding for its product – which allows Uber drivers to sell snacks and essentials to passengers, and for passengers to sell deodorant to drivers.