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A mother of 8 was sentenced to prison for her role in the January 6th riots. She told her family before she was taken into custody that four years of dinners are in the fifty freezers she bought.

Miami fourth graders were ‘distraught’ and a mental health counselor was hired after R-rated slasher film Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey was shown to them during class. “Hey, still beats multiplication tables” said several of the not-that-traumatized kids.

X, formerly Twitter, is charging $1 to new users in Philippines & New Zealand. Not to be outdone, Facebook is charging $5 to users in those countries to uninstall it.

In a text exchange with Elon Musk, Kanye West said he has autism symptoms from a car accident. This isn’t medically possible, but nevertheless, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recalled all Rolls Royce Spectrum models.

A Great Dane named Meadow delivered a record litter of 15 puppies at a North Carolina animal shelter. Three area hounds were swabbed for saliva before a one-of-a-kind special episode of Maury to see who is the father.

Trump ally Sidney Powell entered a surprise guilty plea in the Georgia election interference case and is expected to testify for the prosecution. Powell said it was either that, or be represented by Rudy Giuliani.

ABC’s Good Morning America will vacate its current studio and relocate to a new headquarters building constructed by parent company Disney. Instead of Times Square, the show will now be broadcast from Space Mountain.

Jada Pinkett Smith said she built a space where she could have romantic encounters when her children were little. She called it a sex room with Will Smith, and an Entanglements Room with other visitors.

A woman broke her finger attempting to catch a home run at the Philadelphia Phillies playoff game. Her boyfriend broke his finger when she sat back down.

In a new autobiography, Britney Spears claims Adderall to be her drug of choice in the mid-00s. She said the drug gave her a high, made her feel less depressed , and allowed her to really focus on finding good cheeseburgers.

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After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.