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Eight concertgoers died in a crowd surge at Travis Scott’s Astroworld festival in Houston. Travis Scott Meals at McDonald’s now contain business cards from Rand Spear and Morgan & Morgan.

Travis Scott’s pregnant girlfriend Kylie Jenner was unhurt, citing protection from her sturdy front & rear bumpers.

According to a new book from ABC White House Correspondent Jon Karl, Donald Trump threatened to leave the Republican Party after his 2020 defeat, to join forces with Mike Lindell and form the Pillow Fight Party.

Republicans called a COVID vaccination Tweet from Big Bird “propaganda”. Oscar the Grouch & Aaron Rodgers consulted with Joe Rogan on how best to address their vaccination status.

State Farm pulled back on ads featuring Aaron Rodgers over the weekend, switching to ads featuring customers thanking “Jake” for their great home & auto rates while hooked up to ventilators.

Archaeologists unearthed slave quarters in the ancient city of Pompeii, that contained beds, harnesses, and the worst wifi reception ever.

Macaulay Culkin was a surprise model in a Gucci fashion show. Culkin walked the makeshift runway on Hollywood Boulevard, but several other models left with foot injuries from stepping on toy cars and light bulbs.

State Street Global Advisors, one of the world’s largest investment firms, announced managers will need ‘special permission’ to hire white males as part of their diversity & inclusion initiative. Five white guys have already been fired after Bosom Buddy-ing their way past H.R.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad author Robert Kiyosaki continues to predict a giant, inflation-driven recession, adding there are only three safe investments: gold, silver & Bitcoin. Kiyosaki gave the prediction on his new podcast with Scrooge McDuck.

An 89-year-old man completed his third doctorate degree. Those attending his latest PhD thesis presentation said they’ve seen people fall asleep before, but never the presenter.

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Rapper/actor Machine Gun Kelly is taking a social media break to mourn the death of his father, Pop Gun Kelly.

Ford announced the newly-updated Bronco, and promised to send one to suburban Philadelphia in case Bill Cosby breaks out of prison.

Jimmy John’s employees shared video of themselves making a noose out of bread dough and placing it around one of their necks. It’s the week’s second-most-disgusting sandwich shop video, next to one showing someone eating at Subway.

Disney announced a content development deal with Colin Kaepernick – followed by an announcement from Scrooge McDuck that he’s severing ties with the company.

9 NHL players tested positive for coronavirus – none of whom you’ve heard of.

Restaurant chain Big Boy announced they’re changing mascots to a female named Dolly. Dolly asked not to be referred to as Big Girl.

Cosmopolitan magazine is publishing stories of men walking out on dates. So far, the Number One reason is that “the sex was over’.

Harvard and Princeton universities announced plans for students to return to campus. They say if admitted students aren’t smart enough to avoid coronavirus, they should go to a different school.

Fox News said they ‘mistakenly’ cropped Donald Trump out of a photo of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, adding they mistakenly photoshopped Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden into it.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said the United States is “looking at” banning TikTok and other social media apps – after his video lip-synching to BTS got zero likes.

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Finland will eliminate separate subjects in public schools. Finnish students will now be able to tell their parents “I’m failing everything”. [Story h/t to K.N.S.]

A viral photo shows a priest baptizing a baby with holy water shot from a squirt gun. The baby is welcome to return in 10 years when the priest will shoot him in the face again.

The manhunt continues for a University of Connecticut student wanted for multiple murders. They’re hoping he’ll surrender and transfer from UConn to UConvict.

Three young Bolivian brothers, ages 12, 10 & 8 – were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them, thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man. “You dopes, the spider has to be radioactive” said Brazil’s best doctor.

Florida theme parks will soon reopen, requiring visitors wear masks and disclaiming they can’t guarantee they won’t be exposed to coronavirus – unless they want to, in which case they can go to new attraction ‘Scrooge McDuck On A Ventilator’.

KFC is testing a new chicken sandwich –  one made with actual chickens.

A male beard model shaved for the first time in 10 years, letting his wife of 7 years see his bare face for the first time. “How fast does it grow back?” she asked.

Stanley Ho, a Macau casino tycoon considered ‘the father of Chinese gambling’, died at age 98. He would have lasted longer, but too many people bet he’d make it to 100.

Uber Eats is launching “family style meals” so everyone in the house can screw the delivery driver out of a tip.

Disney+ premiered ‘Out’ – Pixar’s first short film featuring a gay leading character. It has for years featured gay supporting characters like Rex and Slinky Dog from Toy Story.