By |

President Trump issued government shutdown threats via Twitter, saying his $5 billion border wall is effective, and that he “knows tech better than anyone.” Trump then set down his unsecured smartphone and asked Barron how the thing he’s holding makes Mario’s go-kart move on the tv.

A GoFundMe for the border wall is now one of the site’s Top 5 biggest money-raisers ever. The campaign was started by a Purple Heart recipient and triple-amputee, who echoes Trump’s sentiment that wall-climbing is hard.

Valeri Spiridonov, a Russian man in Florida suffering from a muscle-wasting disease, canceled plans to undergo the world’s first head transplant after his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Spiridonov said that at this magical time of year, it’s better to give head than receive it. [ h/t to SES ! ]

  • Meanwhile, nobody is more relieved at the transplant being called off than the donor.

Svetlana Zhakarova, a former mistress of one-time New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, claims that while his wife was away, he snuck her into his NYC apartment in a suitcase. She called the experience humiliating, but added that she swears by the quality and storage capacity of Samsonite luggage.

Amazon announced that Prime Now members who order by 9p.m. on Christmas Eve will get packages delivered before Midnight. In tandem, Amazon Prime Now Dirtbags guarantee that they’ll steal it off of your porch by 1a.m. Christmas morning.

Wawa, Sheetz & 7-Eleven all announced that they’ll be open all, or part, of Christmas Day. They invite families to stop in to grab a hot drink, or just sit in the parking lot to watch customers and gain a better understanding of Seasonal Depression.

WhatsApp chat groups are spreading illegal child porn. Parent company Facebook claimed they’re doing all they can, with Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg clicking the Wow! emoji on the story after she read it.

Pope Francis urged sexual predator priests and bishops to turn themselves in. As for cardinals, he said they should hold off because he needs some help moving furniture when he gets a new apartment on January 1st.

A former chemistry major at Lehigh University admitted to poisoning his roommate’s food & drink with toxic metal thallium. The chemistry major fell just short of getting an automatic 4.0 because his roommate lived.

Samsung is reportedly working on its own version of Google Pixel’s popular low-light photography feature ‘Night Sight’, to be called Bright Night. Samsung said Galaxy phone owners feel left out because they can’t take flashless naked selfies in the dark without awaking their spouses.

By |

A Yellowstone supervolcano may blow sooner than expected, producing enough ash and debris to wipe out the planet. The findings were shared by researchers from Arizona State, who received a D when they were reviewed by researchers from better schools.

The National Center for Health Statistics reports that obesity among U.S. adults has reached an all-time high. Facebook responded by launching its new Order Food feature nationwide.

Amazon will add 120,000 jobs for the holidays, including placing thousands of greeters at Walmart and Target stores reminding shoppers they don’t have to be there.

Rose McGowan’s suspension from Twitter over her criticism of alleged sexual harassers Harvey Weinstein and others has sent the #womenboycottTwitter hashtag trending — meaning that it isn’t exactly working.

The United States is pulling out of UNESCO — the United Nations Cultural Organization — over what the White House calls their anti-Israel bias. President Trump said that he remembered trick-or-treating for UNESCO when he was a kid, and keeping the money.

Vladimir Putin received a new puppy for his birthday. The puppy denies involvement in the mysterious deaths over the last week of its feline critics at his former shelter.

The head of a government bureau responsible for background checks said the volume of errors on Jared Kushner’s security clearance applications are “a new low”. Kushner’s application contained over 100 errors and omissions. Kushner told investigators he didn’t know it was a take-home project.

Miley Cyrus admitted that she was high while filming the video for ‘Wrecking Ball’. Producers confirmed this, saying they delayed shooting while they outfitted the wrecking ball with a seatbelt.

Dating app Bumble, where women make the first move, has launched Bumble Bizz, a feature of the app that lets women make networking connections. Bumble created the feature in response to complaints that men are hitting on women via LinkedIn – men will congratulate women on their new position, and ask if there are other positions they’d like to try.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told the Congressional Black Caucus that the company plans to add a black executive to the board of directors. She wouldn’t comment on the candidate, saying only that his initials were J.Z.

Mashable reports that major league sports teams from the NBA, NHL & MLB have all stopped staying at Trump Hotels while on the road. Frustrated Trump Hotel bar groupies have changed strategy and now set their sights on getting pregnant with really rich racists.

 

 

By |

Millionaire Marc Bell, a former owner of Penthouse magazine, opened his mansion to 70 foster children displaced by Hurricane Irma. So far, the girls favorite activity is getting manicures, and the boys favorite activity is looking through Bell’s photo collection.

Pop star Selena Gomez revealed to fans that she received a kidney transplant in August from her friend, actress Francia Raisa. Taylor Swift quickly cranked out a diss track slamming Gomez’s failed kidney.

President Trump toured Naples and Ft. Myers Florida to view the damage from Hurricane Irma. The President told Floridians he would be there for them 100 percent, meaning he plans to move to Mar A Lago full time.

  • The President was joined by First Lady Melania, who created her own tragedy by wearing white pants after Labor Day.

Ivanka Trump told the Financial Times that the public has “unrealistic expectations” of how much she can influence her father, President Donald Trump; adding that to influence him, she’d actually have to want to be in the same room with him.

Some parts of the Florida Keys may be without power for a month. Impeachment proceedings have already started against the Mayor of Margaritaville.

A federal judge revoked Martin Shkreli’s bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for anyone sending him a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Reached for comment, Bill Clinton said he’s still waiting for his money.

A Silicon Valley CEO says that she dyed her blonde hair brown in order to be taken more seriously. She considers it a success, but her female coworkers think her long hair drags down her face.

A research study confirms that women have more keen olfactory senses, and are more bothered by objectionable smells than men. Bad news for husbands claiming ‘it wasn’t me’.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told a women’s leadership conference that “men still run the world, and it’s not going that well.” Her boss, CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked what she meant and Sandberg replied “nothing”.

The U.S. Air Force states that over 20,000 ‘space junk’ objects threaten to collide and interfere with larger space craft such as the Hubble Telescope and major communications satellites. A solution is still years away, until NASA convinces astronauts to drive garbage trucks.

The Census Bureau reports that Philadelphia remains America’s “poorest big city”, with over 25% of residents living below the poverty line. It’s so bad, Philly residents can’t even save enough money to move to Detroit.