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A cartoon image of Mötley Crüe vocalist Vince Neil appears in a new children’s book, ‘Heavy Metal Harry’s First Gig’. It’s believed to be the first children’s book where someone gets killed in a drunk driving accident.

Louis C.K. finalized the list of cities for his upcoming standup comedy tour. But you have to wait for him to ask before he’ll show it to you.

United Airlines instructed flight attendants not to utilize the central window shade controls on its Boeing 787 Dreamliners, letting passengers seated next to the windows control the shades. They want window passengers to be able to piss off others in the row with light, in addition to climbing over them to use the bathroom.

Corona will launch a line of hard seltzer this spring, for people who don’t think drinking Corona Beer makes them look like a big enough douche.

Donald Trump complained about South Korean film ‘Parasite’ winning the Best Picture Oscar, before telling a crowd at his rally that he’s detaining Dora The Explorer’s family at the Southern Border.

Pizza Hut’s largest U.S. franchisee, with over 1,200 locations, may declare bankruptcy. They haven’t filed yet, coming to grips with the fact that they’ve been out-pizza’d.

Google updated its Terms Of Service to make them easier to understand. It now reads “We’re Taking Your Personal Information And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It”.

Apple filed a restraining order against a 41-year-old San Francisco man who, they allege, is stalking CEO Tim Cook. Cook is reportedly annoyed that the guy doesn’t just FaceTime him.

Disney/Pixar’s animated film ‘Onward’ introduced Disney’s first openly gay cartoon character, lesbian cop Officer Specter. Rumors say she’ll appear in another upcoming Pixar film, where she’s assigned to desk duty after repeatedly harassing Elastigirl.

A University of California study linking vaping to increased risk of heart attacks has now been called ‘unreliable’.  “Good to know” said vapers on the brink of acute respiratory failure.

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Wildlife officials in the U.K. rescued what they thought was an exotic bird, that turned out to be a seagull covered in curry powder. They treated the bird, and stopped eating chicken tikka masala at a nearby Indian food buffet.

An artist unveiled a wooden statue of Melania Trump in her native Slovenia. Insiders say the President is frustrated by his inability to unveil the wooden statue living with him in the White House for the last two years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup. President Trump said the women should be paid equally to the men, but then went ahead and ordered value meals for their visit instead of full-price Big Macs and Whoppers.

Martin Charnin, lyricist & writer of the Broadway smash Annie, died at age 84 following a hard knock – a heart attack.

Amazon is selling a 292-square-foot tiny house for $18,800. It takes 2-3 days to build and 2-3 friends to help you steal it off of the porch of someone who ordered it.

On a cruise bound for South Korea from Vladivostok, Russia, a man hallucinating & high on drugs burst into a married couple’s cabin and was arrested after a shoving match. It was all part of the maiden voyage of the new Carnival Angel Dust ship.

On his family’s first night living at their new home, a Virginia dad fired 39 warning shots and brawled with a naked woman who called herself “the devil” after she broke in on July 4th night. The woman was subsequently fired by Welcome Wagon.

ICE used facial recognition to scan state driver’s license databases without individual consent, angering civil rights activists and illegal immigrants who hate the way their face looks in those pictures.

The Cincinnati Reds wore ‘throwback’ 1956-era sleeveless jerseys – baring their arms – for a game against the Cleveland Indians that the Reds lost, 11-1. Sun’s out, empty guns out.

15-year-old American tennis phenom Cori Gauff’s run at Wimbledon ended with Round-of-16 defeat to 7th seed Simona Halep, as Coco went cold.

 

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North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un and South Korea’s Moon Jae-in announced an historic armistice, with both countries agreeing to denuclearize and end their long war. Un commemorated the deal by going home to North Korea and executing a bunch of cabinet members who told him it couldn’t be done.

The newly-reached peace accord was a challenge, but they were able to move the Un and Moon to get it done.

The two Korean leaders and their wives attended a post-summit banquet on Friday where they dined on delicacies from both sides of the border: South Korean barbecue, and North Korean parasites.

Comedian Bill Cosby was convicted on all three sexual-assault-related charges he faced in his retrial. As the guilty verdicts were read, Cosby’s attorney asked that jurors be polled individually, and each replied “hey, hey, hey!” that they had, indeed, voted ‘guilty’.

The arrest of Joseph DeAngelo, alleged to be the ‘Golden State Killer’, was made possible by DNA matching using a genealogy website.  DeAngelo’s court-appointed lawyer reviewed the evidence with him, at which point DeAngelo was stunned to learn he’s 5% Chinese!

The Centers for Disease Control released statistics that autism in schoolchildren increased 15% between 2012 and 2014. “Sad!” said President Trump, blaming the Obama Administration.

Amazon is raising the annual price of Amazon Prime from $99 to $119. The company says the increase is to cover rising costs, after barely squeaking by with a $3 Billion annual profit in 2017.

Amazon detailed some of the cost increases, including shipping costs, programming costs for Prime Video, drone insurance, and crowbars to facilitate Prime subscribers’ packages delivered to their car trunks and inside their homes.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders took questions from the children of reporters on Take Your Child To Work Day, including one from a child asking why FBI Director James Comey was fired. Sanders replied Comey “did some things that weren’t very nice” before revoking the child’s credentials and barring them from snack time.

Singer Janelle Monae announced that she’s pansexual – and if she smokes weed before sex, she’s pot & pansexual.

 

 

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Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.

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President Trump took the field for the National Anthem played before the College Football National Championship game in Atlanta. Clips showed Trump singing along with part of the song, but not all of it. The anthem finished, and he asked what happened to his hot tea before launching into ‘Vision of Love’.

Apparel retailer H&M is under fire for a photo of a black toddler modeling a sweatshirt reading ‘Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’.  Even angrier are the parents of an Asian toddler modeling a ‘3rd-Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’ sweatshirt.

A new study in the journal Health Affairs states that a child born in the United States has a 70 percent greater chance of dying before adulthood than children born into other wealthy, democratic countries. The main causes are the U.S.’ fragmented health care system, and the high numbers of Southern children getting guns for their 10th birthday.

A U.S. spy satellite launched by SpaceX is believed to have been destroyed after failing to reach orbit. Or…has it?

A Florida man was arrested for public intoxication and shoplifting; as he left a grocery store, police searched his pants and found a full rack of ribs, two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. He faces petty theft charges and an angry girlfriend, whose salad he forgot.

Democratic lawmaker Michelle Lujan Grisham – leader of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus – said that she will try to crash a bipartisan meeting at 11:30 a.m. with President Trump regarding immigration. Her attendance is expected to be rejected, since they only ordered a dozen Big Macs.

85-year-old former Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced that he’s running for Arizona’s Senate seat in 2018. He’s backed by everyone who’s seen his medical charts that thinks they can win a 2019 special election.

Americans’ credit card debt hit a record high of $1 trillion in November, entitling them to $35 cash back and a free companion airline ticket.

North Korea and South Korea are having their first diplomatic talks in two years, where they’re expected to discuss nuclear treaties, border security and the winner of the kimchi cookoff.

Samsung debuted its 146-inch ‘Wall TV’ at the Consumer Electronics Show, in a simulated living room with a single La-Z-Boy recliner and a five-foot tall stack of empty pizza boxes.

 

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New website OMGYes uses videos to teach people how to give women sexual pleasure. In one video, users manipulate digitally-rendered female genitalia via touchscreen. If you do everything right, the video ends with a sigh, if not, you’re urged to take a break. OMGYes says that most men have learned a lot, though others have broken up with their iPad, and still others have caught viruses from licking the screen.

  • Founders of OMGYes say that it’s one of the stickiest sites on the Web.

Twitter is doubling the character limit to 280 per tweet for most users – presumably, so they can write out all those thoughts and prayers in their entirety.

A study in the Journal of the Endocrine Society concludes drinking just two cups of soda per week increases visceral fat that surrounds the organs; and that drinking Mountain Dew makes the fat dumber.

Social media is overrun with stories of new iPhone X owners dropping their phone and  shattering the glass. Unless you have a paid Applecare warranty, the fix costs $549. Apple defends the fee, saying it doesn’t just cover the glass repair, it feeds the child doing the work for six months.

Sportscaster Bob Costas told a panel at the University of Maryland that football “destroys people’s brains.” Costas made the remarks in response to being asked if he’d ever attended a Buffalo Bills game.

Australia’s Office of the eSafety Commissioner is joining with Facebook to test a program to eliminate revenge porn – that asks participants to send inappropriate images to themselves using Facebook Messenger. Users are asked only to send pictures of their nude body parts, without the customary G’day Mate! appended to it.

A Harvard orthopedist has concluded that ligament tears are followed by the onset of arthritis in greater than 50 percent of occurrences. His data followed a group of 15-year-olds who tore knee ligaments playing soccer, and then owned multiple cardigan sweaters and drank only tea at age 25.

Winona Ryder told People magazine that she was bullied in junior high for wearing boys’ clothes. The bully replied that he didn’t care she was wearing boys’ clothes, but that she’d stolen the clothes from him.

Randa, the oldest Indian rhinoceros in residence at the Los Angeles Zoo, died at age 48. The zoo recounted her incredible life, including a 2009 bout with cancer that forced the removal of her horn, and her courageous decision not to replace it with an implant.

A Florida woman was arrested for using a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon to assault the bouncer at a club she’d been forced to leave. The bouncer was uninjured, since the pack contained 12-ounce cans, not pounders. [H/T to E. Todd]