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An author working undercover at a U.K. Amazon warehouse said the culture was like a prison, and that he found bottles of urine on shelves because workers weren’t allowed bathroom breaks. Amazon denied the claim, saying that the bottles of urine are top sellers.

Due to crashes of its website, the IRS extended the annual tax filing deadline from April 17th to April 18th. Thanks to the additional time, charities recorded an extra $1 Billion in fake donations.

Former First Lady and Bush family matriarch Barbara Bush died at age 92. Current First Lady Melania Trump mourned the loss of Bush, saying as a child in Slovenia, she cried when a berry bush died.

24-year-old Instagram ‘star’ Melina Roberge was sentenced to 8 years in an Australian prison for smuggling $21 million worth of cocaine. Roberge grew a large Instagram following posting bikini photos at exotic travel destinations, but told a judge she intends to ‘pivot’ to videos about self-defense and keeping romance alive with her new wife.

President Trump mocked the media and Stormy Daniels for releasing a sketch of a man Daniels claims threatened her and her daughter after her alleged affair with Trump. Daniels and her lawyer are offering a $100,000 reward for identifying him, and have received one promising lead from “David Dennison”.

Acting Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met in secret with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un last week to discuss a possible U.S./North Korea summit meeting. Pompeo took the trip that was to have been made by Rex Tillerson, until Tillerson found out there wasn’t a Morton’s steak house in Pyeongyang.

A Federal investigation is ongoing in New Jersey, where thieves are using glue-covered bottles on a string to steal mail from U.S. Postal Service collection boxes. The criminals steal and deposit checks, and send vulgar replies to fan mail sent to Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi.

A Wells Fargo banking executive, Jennifer Riordan, died from her injuries when an engine exploded on her Southwest Airlines flight and broke the window next to her seat. Wells Fargo expressed their condolences, and will close the six fake checking accounts they created in her name.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson met with the two black men arrested in Philadelphia at a Starbucks location after they were denied use of the bathroom without buying anything. The men declined Johnson’s offer to go to the bathroom with him.

Counterfeit Kylie Jenner makeup seized at a raid in Los Angeles tested positive for bacteria and animal waste. Jenner said that animal waste is not an ingredient of her facial makeup, just her tanning spray.

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Former NFL QB Johnny Manziel said he’s planning a comeback. Manziel said that he’s been on medication to treat bipolar disorder, which he hopes will give him the mental focus he needs to land an NFL roster spot and contract CTE.

President Trump is set to unveil his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan – undocumented immigrants resealing the parking lots and cart paths at all of his golf courses and hotels.

Journalists at the Winter Olympics are abuzz over the ‘Bullet Man’ statues outside the press Olympic Village. The three statues are of nude men wearing smooth helmets obscuring their faces while they stand at attention. Vice President Mike Pence refused to look at the statues and ordered them into conversion therapy.

Southwest Airlines cancelled all 220 of its flights from Chicago Midway Airport on Sunday due to a shortage of de-icing fluid. A spokesperson said that due to the scary weather, nervous flyers drank it all.

Delta Airlines previewed its new crew uniforms from designer Zac Posen. Posen worked as a flight attendant and gate agent to ensure that the clothing remained comfortable while workers verbally abuse passengers and drag them off of aircraft.

Barack and Michelle Obama’s official portraits were unveiled at the Smithsonian. “Where are the solid gold lions?” asked an anonymous White House critic.

McDonald’s is ending its partnership with the International Olympic Committee and will no longer create Olympic-themed ads and promotions. McDonald’s and the IOC both cited the large expense of Olympic sponsorship, but declined comment about athletes’ accusations of unwelcome contact during past Olympics by Grimace.

Katie Couric angered Dutch Olympic fans by falsely claiming that Dutch dominance in speed skating is a result of residents skating on frozen canals to get around Amsterdam. She then angered Norwegians by claiming most businesspeople in Norway commute to work by ski jumping.

Tinder announced that they’re rolling out a new set of location-based features later this year. Speculation is that Tinder plans to move beyond being a hookup site and focus on being more of a social network, in order to expand in to the lucrative stalking and bullying markets.

For the third time in three weeks, a man has been reported masturbating in the New York City subway – highlighting the dangerous underreporting of men masturbating in the New York City subway.

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Donald & Melania Trump marked their 13th anniversary Wednesday. Traditionally, the 13th anniversary is marked with a gift of lace; so the President laced his wife’s drink with rohypnol before she could lock herself in a separate bedroom.

Illusionist David Copperfield is accused of drugging and assaulting a model 30 years ago, when she was just 17. The woman claims Copperfield poured a substance in her drink, then hid the rest of the drink by pouring it into a top hat.

Oprah Winfrey addressed recent rumors by telling InStyle magazine that she “doesn’t have the DNA for a presidential run…..just tons and tons and tons of money for it..”

Heather Nelson became the first woman to head a whisky distillery by herself. Nelson – founder of Toulvaddie brand – posed for her official CEO portrait, disliked it, and then posed for another after the artist had a few scotches…and looked great.

A senior Trump Administration official in the Housing & Urban Development department apologized for calling a member of the White House press corps “Miss Piggy”, saying “that’s the President’s job.”

Scientists in Greece have recreated the face of “Dawn”, an 18-year-old girl whose 9,000-year-old remains were found in a cave in 1993. Scientists are now working feverishly to recreate another 18-year-old girl to tell Dawn how cute she looks.

United Airlines announced that it’s increasing capacity on flights between 4 and 6% this year; Southwest said they’ll be adding 5% more room. The additions are a combination of more Basic Economy seats, and Companion Crates for people traveling with small dogs.

A New Jersey couple being married by a judge had to finish the ceremony in a courthouse bathroom, as EMTs gave oxygen to the bride’s mother for her asthma. Ironically, she was the only one who didn’t have difficulty breathing.

Facebook’s Oculus team invented a new increment of time for use in processing content. The ‘Flick’ is 1/705,600,000 of a second long; and they’re encouraging content creators to embrace it by calling Facebook “a huge waste of Flicks.”

‘Flip or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa is reportedly dating lingerie model Patience Silva. The two met on a celebrity dating app, and things got serious after she approved the five-figure budget to work in her backyard.

 

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Southwest Airlines bumped a family of four from their flight to Disneyland after receiving complaints from other passengers that the children had lice. The claims turned out to be false, but Southwest managed to retain its reputation for lousy service.

President Trump responded to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s claims of having a functioning ‘nuclear button’ on his desk, by tweeting that he has a bigger button, and that his button works. Anonymous insiders, however, dispute this, saying Chief of Staff John Kelly replaced the Nuclear Football with a vintage Playskool Busy Box painted black.

The Oakland Raiders are under fire for allegedly skirting the Rooney Rule – bypassing minority candidates in advance of hiring Jon Gruden as their new head coach. The Raiders denied this, bringing in NFL legend O.J. Simpson for an interview as proof.

Archaeologists found an ancient cave in China containing 45,000-year-old tools, as well as a carved note from one caveman to another asking when he planned on returning the sharp rock he borrowed.

Roku is launching its own voice assistant to compete with Siri and Alexa. Although at this point it’s only capable of answering “How the f*** do I switch HDMI inputs?”

The Trump Administration is easing fines and penalties that can be brought against negligent nursing homes – great news for the White House nurse who’s been swapping breath mints for dementia meds.

Coachella announced its official 2018 lineup – the festival will be headlined by Beyonce, Eminem, the Weekend, and drugs.

2018 marks the beginning of legal recreational marijuana sales in California, evidenced by the number of visitors to Disneyland asking Goofy ‘you holdin?’

McDonald’s debuts its new Dollar Menu on Thursday. It’s called the 1-2-3, with items priced at one, two and three dollars. Taco Bell is sticking with its current dollar menu, which customers know as the 9-1-1.

A 31-year-old Virginia woman reported missing by her fiancee was found dead inside of her home, in what local police are calling “suspicious, but, like, the easiest search we’ve ever done.”

 

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A new study in medical journal Pediatrics finds that two children are injured every day by window blinds. 17,000 children were treated at emergency rooms between 1990 and 2015; most children were injured by falling blinds after telling parents it was “too goddamned bright in here for a nap.”

Apple is acquiring music app Shazam for $400 million. Apple plans integration with iTunes, so Shazam can tell you what songs were deleted when you backup your iPhone.

  • Shazam will still be able to identify songs in several seconds, but each new version will take 25 minutes to update.

Saudi Arabia is lifting its ban on movie theaters after 35 years. Movies will be preceded by a warning to patrons telling them to silence their cell phones and all of their wives.

  • The first feature film shown will be a Saudi-produced action drama about women called ‘The Expendables‘.

Several women who accused Donald Trump of inappropriate conduct appeared with Megyn Kelly on the Today show, right after Matt Lauer finished clearing out his office.

French company Lactalis is recalling baby formula after 25 French babies were made ill. The company suspects salmonella, or parents pairing formula with the wrong wine.

Starting next year, American Express card purchases will no longer require a signature – a move hailed by both illiterate people and dogs with above-average credit scores.

A 24-year-old woman caught smoking on a Southwest Airlines flight threatened to “kill everybody” when confronted by a flight attendant. The woman was restrained, and the flight attendants on board ‘killed everybody’ with a kooky skit they made up about it during the remainder of the flight.

A 15-year-old girl with seizure disorder was denied a laser-based brain surgery treatment by her insurer, Aetna, on the grounds that the treatment is unproven – despite it having FDA approval. Aetna defended their decision, saying their medical team has seen every episode of ‘House‘ and ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and still haven’t heard of it.

President Trump blasted a New York Times article claiming that he watches four to eight hours of TV every day, tweeting that if he spent that much time watching TV, there’s no way his Candy Crush scores could be as high as they are.

After a vicious hit left Houston Texans QB Tom Savage shaking on the playing field, he was evaluated on the sidelines and briefly reentered the game before being pulled. The NFL and NFL Players Association are both investigating the team’s handling of Savage’s concussion. Reached for comment, Savage said “what concussion?”