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The woman attacked by a jaguar after climbing a safety barrier to get a selfie returned to the Arizona zoo to apologize. Her handshake with the jaguar resulted in her being hospitalized a second time.

Celebrities Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are accused of bribing SAT test proctors and colleges to help their children get into elite schools. Lesser charges are being considered for the Gronkowski family, who are accused of bribing officials at Arizona and Arizona State with cases of Coors Light.

A woman who orally ingested her partner’s semen was rushed to the hospital in anaphylactic shock because she was allergic to traces of an antibiotic in it. She is expected to fully recover and respond to multiple date requests from doctors.

Responding to the fatal crashes of two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets, President Trump tweeted that planes are becoming too complex, he didn’t want Albert Einstein to be his pilot. He then ordered Air Force One to be outfitted with three additional pairs of wings.

USA Today published an explanatory article about how Boeing’s 737 MAX 8 safety system – Maneuvering Characteristics Augmentation – works, leading aeronautics experts to question how good it can be if USA Today can explain it.

A Bronx couple looking at their child’s baby monitor were shocked to see a burglar standing next to the crib. The father rushed to the room, but the intruder had already escaped with all of the candy.

A new study in the medical journal JAMA concludes there is no association between what people eat and their risk of dementia. Some doctors are questioning the study, pointedly wondering why anyone would eat Grape Nuts unless they were losing their mind.

Facebook filed a lawsuit against two Ukrainian hackers, alleging they used Facebook quizzes to steal personal data.  The quizzes said which ‘Friends’ character they were based on birthdate and social security number. Everyone who gave both of them were told “Joey”.

A controversial study from the University of Minnesota claims blacks & hispanics are most harmed by inhaling pollutants created by whites. The study is called ‘The Racial Dutch Oven’.

UFC star Conor McGregor faces felony charges for slapping a cell phone out of a fan’s hand as they tried to take a picture, then stomping the phone and leaving. UFC President Dana White reportedly offered the phone $3 million for a rematch.

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Southwest Airlines kicked off its latest promotional discounts, with one-way fares as low as $69, and special one-way fat-shaming fares as low as $49.

As sub-zero temperatures in Chicago continue, residents are being advised about ‘Frost Quakes’ – rumbles and noises from subterranean rock breaking as it freezes. Not to be confused with the cheap store-brand Frost Quakes cereal your mom buys.

Nintendo delayed the launch of its eagerly-awaited smartphone game, Mario Kart Mobile, until this summer. However, the marketing slogan is already set: “Don’t Text and Drive — Drive and Drive!”

Augusta National Golf Club announced that the par-4 5th hole, named ‘Magnolia’, has been lengthened 40 yards to 495 yards for this year’s Masters. They also announced that there isn’t a chance in hell you slobs will ever see or play it in person.

A South Korean woman whose husband died suddenly in Mexico claims Mexican authorities returned his corpse with the brain, heart and stomach missing.  In an unrelated story, the scarecrow and tin man got what they wanted from the Mexican Wizard of Oz.

Gisele Bundchen, wife of star NFL QB Tom Brady, opened up about her relationship with actor Leonardo Dicaprio. Bundchen said she split from Dicaprio because she was “no longer numbing herself” with drinking and work. Dicaprio replied saying he split up with Bundchen because she was “no longer 22”.

USA Today published an expose of Miami’s Jolie Plastic Surgery center, where 8 women have died after plastic surgery, 4 from complications of Brazilian Butt Lifts. The principal physician regrets that their asses couldn’t be saved.

A drunken British man whose misbehavior caused a Calgary-to-London flight to turn around must reimburse WestJet Airlines $21,000 for the fuel costs they incurred. The man said he’ll pay for the jet fuel, but only if he gets to drink some of it.

Walmart announced it will start paying bonuses to employees for good attendance. A spokesman called this a win/win for employees, since the bonuses are paid for showing up, not for actually doing any work.

Researchers at Stanford & NYU found that people who deactivated Facebook for four weeks reported being happier, but less informed about current events. They also reported difficulty finding $19 Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg copies of first-run movies.