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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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Melania Trump invited Joshua Trump, an 11-year-old from Wilmington, Delaware who claims he’s been bullied because of his last name, to attend the State of the Union address. “Hey, whatever gets me out of Wilmington, Delaware” said Joshua.

  • Joshua fell asleep at the State of the Union, and awoke to find that he’d gotten $5 million in donations to run for a Delaware congressional seat as a Democrat.

President Trump said he’ll build a “human wall” if necessary on the Southern U.S. border — adding he’s encouraged by the flood of applications already received from Guatemalan immigrants seeking to be human bricks.

A North Carolina college student living in an off-campus apartment thought her home was haunted by ghosts, but then found a 30-year-old man in her closet wearing her clothes. Police said it isn’t a first for a North Carolina man wearing women’s clothing to stay in the closet.

New York Giants QB Eli Manning and wife Abby welcomed their fourth child, Charlie, just after midnight on Super Bowl Sunday. The baby would have arrived late Saturday, but Manning let the clock run a full 35 seconds before changing the play to Big Push.

The Los Angeles Dodgers finally revealed that a 79-year-old woman died after being struck by a foul ball at Dodger Stadium during a game last August. Paramedics were credited with a blown save.

In NHL action, the San Jose Sharks defeated the Winnipeg Jets in their annual ‘Manitoba Side Story’ game.

Roger Alvarado, 22, was sentenced to six months in jail for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York townhouse. Alvarado used the shower, slept in Swift’s bed, and co-wrote the diss track about him for Swift’s next album.

Richard Branson announced Virgin Voyages – an adults-only cruise line launching with new cruise ship Scarlet Lady in 2020. In keeping with the 21-and-over theme, the Scarlet Lady will take to the seas with a strain of norovirus first placed in a petri dish in 1998.

Kendall Jenner debuted new bangs. Her hair, not NBA player/boyfriends.

Google released Password Checkup, a new Chrome browser security extension. It tells you if your recent passwords have been detected in a data breach, and tells everyone whose password is PASSWORD or PASSWORD1 that they’re on their own.

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A 22-year-old Virginia woman found a metal hook inside of her Playtex Simply Gentle Glide tampon. The company said they’d refund her $7 purchase, and apologized for the hook, and the worm on it.

An Indiana middle school student told Apple’s Siri assistant “I’m going to shoot up a school”, then posted a screenshot of a list of local schools Siri gave in response. His friends told police and he was arrested. Reached for comment, Siri said she just wanted to get that crazy kid out of her house.

Deals site Simple Thrifty Living researched the cheapest state to buy cases of Miller Lite and Bud Light beer. Michigan was the cheapest at an average of $14.62 per case; Pennsylvania was most expensive at $21.98.  Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board said that, while beer is more expensive, there are more choices for liver transplant surgery.

Randi Zuckerberg said her father offered her and her brother, Mark, the option to own & operate a McDonald’s franchise instead of going to college. Mark decided to go to Harvard, drop out and start Facebook, since he didn’t think he’d be able to harvest and sell as much personal information from a McDonald’s franchise.

A pregnant Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania claims she was fired from her job because she’s having a child out of wedlock with her boyfriend. School administrators don’t dispute her story, but wish she’d claimed Immaculate Conception because then everyone would have been cool with it.

New Jersey will gradually raise the minimum wage to $15/hour by 2024. The move is expected to make New Jersey a more appealing life and work destination for no one.

The White House says President Trump’s Tuesday State of the Union address will be ‘Unifying’ and ‘Optimistic’ — adding that instead of a speech, Trump will be addressing the country with a rerun of The West Wing.

Democratic Congressmen are still planning to attend the State of the Union, most after finding they can’t get more than $5 for their seats on Stubhub.

Jury deliberations began in the New York felony trial of Mexican druglord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Deliberations are expected to be prolonged because of the time involved to provide all of the jurors with completely new identities.

The City of Philadelphia is proposing a ban on cashless businesses, saying they discriminate against the poor. The legislation is supported by Councilman Bill Greenlee, and the head of the Philadelphia Armed Robbers Union.

The body of a man found dead in Tennessee’s Great Smoky Mountains had died of a meth overdose before being partially eaten by a bear. The bear was ultimately euthanized after three unsuccessful attempts at rehab.

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Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.

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‘Crazy Rich Asians’ was shut out of Oscar nominations, drawing immediate, sharp criticism from crazy, rich, Asians.

  • ‘Black Panther’ became the first superhero movie to receive a Best Picture nomination – thrilling crazy, rich, Wakandans.

The Supreme Court temporarily upheld the Trump Administration’s ban on transgender persons in the military – simplifying the jobs of those in charge of military wardrobes.

Michael Gandolfini, son of dead actor James Gandolfini, will play Tony Soprano in a prequel film to ‘The Sopranos’.  Michael won the part with his audition tape – a video of him having sex to climax in 15 seconds wearing only a wifebeater and black socks on prom night.

22 cases of measles have been reported in Clark County, Washington state. Parents defended not vaccinating their children, believing they were in the clear when they kicked a kid named Rubella out of the play group.

Los Angeles school teachers agreed to terms on a deal that will end a six-day strike. Teachers said they’re looking forward to returning to work, but also that they really liked having a week to spend time with their favorite dropouts.

President Trump is looking at alternate dates & locations for the State of the Union, since Speaker Nancy Pelosi won’t invite him to do so before Congress. He’s reportedly asked to speak during the Super Bowl pregame, but networks don’t know how they’ll squeeze him in during those 12 hours.

Apple is running a contest to identify 10 of the best photos taken on an iPhone. Winning photos may be placed on billboards in large cities, depending on how those cities feel about 50-foot-wide pictures of penises and bare breasts.

A University of Michigan poll finds that 7 of 10 parents rely on “folklore strategies” – such as taking vitamin C & zinc; and staying indoors – to treat children’s common colds. Instead, parents should focus on hygiene such as hand washing,  and fun folklore solutions like whiskey drinking.

New research shows the number of Americans receiving liver transplants for alcohol-related liver failure steadily growing.  Experts credit excess drinking for those getting livers, and excess drinking and driving for those giving them.

Hundreds of Internal Revenue Service workers received permission to work from home during the partial government shutdown – meaning, your tax audit will likely happen via Facetime after your auditor gets back from a movie matinee.

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The Secret Service is warning of a new crime wave, “Jackpotting”, where thieves hack an ATM and empty it of cash. Since it takes several minutes, the crooks pose as ATM repairmen, or as your grandfather trying to do anything on an ATM.

Traffic to hospitals in the wake of this season’s flu outbreak is so overwhelming, that some are setting up beds in waiting rooms, putting an enormous strain on supplies of 4-year-old People magazines.

Actor Robert Wagner has been named a ‘person of interest’ in the 1981 drowning death of his then-wife Natalie Wood, as LAPD reopens this cold – and wet – case.

Nashville Mayor Megan Barry admitted to an extramarital affair with the former head of her security detail. Barry apologized to her husband, to the people of Nashville, and especially to everyone who had to hear the country song her ex-lover wrote about it.

Major League Baseball announced that all 30 teams will extend protective netting to the end of dugouts in order to prevent spectator injuries from flying foul balls. Ushers will also be authorized to provide helmets to vulnerable fans who black out drunk & bored.

President Trump bragged that tv ratings for his State of the Union address were the “highest.. in history”, a claim disproved by Nielsen ratings for speeches by Obama, Clinton and George W. Bush. Trump’s team fired back that Nielsen ratings don’t include the 2 million TVs at Trump Hotels and Mar-A-Lago that only show Fox News.

Democrats claim that a confidential memo critical of the FBI, authored by GOP Rep Devin Nunes, was significantly altered prior to being given to President Trump. Republicans said they needed to alter it to get it down to one page and to add a comics section to make sure the President read it.

Nintendo announced that Mario Kart is coming to mobile phones in 2019. Highway patrols are gearing up for a rash of accidents from distracted drivers swerving to avoid bananas.

Startup Edovo has secured several million dollars in funding for its product that provides tablet-based education to jailed prisoners. Early results are encouraging, with many prisoners learning how to read, write code, and stab someone to death with an iPad.

Google announced an upcoming change to Google Assistant, that won’t require users to say “Hey Google” before asking a question. Assistant-equipped products like Google Home will simply spring into action whenever someone says “goddamnit, why don’t you look it up yourself?”

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Harley Davidson says it’s on track to deliver its first electric motorcycle in 18 months, giving biker gangs time to redirect a portion of their drug sales to charging stations.

The State of California may require a cancer warning on coffee. Starbucks plans to stay ahead of the requirement with its introduction of the Chemolatte.

Melania Trump attended President Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address wearing white after Labor Day, Christmas Day, New Years Day and Stormy Day.

The First Lady rode separately to the State of the Union, so she could practice giving the silent treatment to the heroes attending as guests riding with her.

Brenda Fitzgerald, Director for the Centers for Disease Control, resigned after it was revealed she bought and sold stocks in tobacco companies. Her resignation comes just prior to the release of her first tobacco-related report: ‘Cigarettes – At Least They’re Not Ebola’.

A Wall Street Journal report states that elite colleges and universities like University of Pennsylvania and Georgia Tech spend as little as 8 minutes reviewing student applications. Conversely, a spokesperson for the University of Phoenix said they typically take up to three full days waiting for the check to clear.

Russia’s government warned that locusts could destroy the grass fields at FIFA World Cup 2018 stadiums, and have added increased border security to prevent winged insects from the U.S. traveling to disrupt the outcome.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s website introduced a new line of bath salts called Goop Bath, and was promptly sued by a porn company for trademark infringement.

Amy Duggar, niece of ’19 Kids and Counting’ reality stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, said that she wants to adopt the 13 abused Turpin children, so that they can get the 1-on-50 attention that only the Duggar family can provide.

Mel Gibson is reportedly working on a sequel to Passion of the Christ; the working title is Passion of the Christ 2: Die Harder. [h/t to Jeff Ost]