By |

CBS cancelled Matt LeBlanc sitcom ‘Man With A Plan’. Remaining episodes will be aired as ‘Man Needs A Plan’.

Tesla may bring Zoom videoconferencing to their electric cars, giving birth to the phrase: “could the guy who just wrapped his car around a tree please mute?”

Donald Trump’s decision to paint the border wall black could cost an additional $500 million. It could also encourage more Mexicans to try and go around the wall because black is so slimming.

The Treasury Department says coronavirus stimulus checks mailed to dead people should be returned to the IRS. But first, the checks should be removed from their hands.

Adele showed off her recent weight loss in a photo thanking frontline workers during the pandemic. In turn, frontline workers say they have an even greater appreciation for Adele, since they don’t just want to hear her sing – they also want to have sex with her.

Astronomers say they’ve found the black hole closest to Earth, that consumes and destroys anything near it – it’s the satellite that delivers Pornhub.

Tinder’s next major update will be a feature to enable video dating. Then the next major update will be a panic button for when women inevitably see a guy’s dick.

Twitter is testing a streamlined interface for users to interact with ‘threaded’ conversations – they’re calling it A Bigger Mute Button.

National Nurses Day was recognized with drive-by tributes from citizens thanking nurses with signs and horn-honking. Although others complained of delays because they just wanted to get to the ER and push their sick grandparents out of the car.

Researchers are testing a new stick-on patch that monitors coronavirus symptoms and progress. Although patients are warned to be on the lookout for fake devices with ‘Kick Me’ on them.

 

 

By |

Amazon is developing its own coronavirus test for workers. It’s a stick they drop in the urine-filled soda bottle they used during a 12-hour shift with no breaks.

Banksy is working from home during the COVID-19 lockdown and was concussed after blacking out from spray paint fumes.

Millions of Americans may lose their $1,200 stimulus checks to debt collectors. The debt collectors are also broke and have had to take second jobs tying damsels to railroad tracks.

Dietitians recommend whole grains, probiotics, fish, and leafy green vegetables to improve your mood during lockdown. In other news, Totinos Pizza Rolls obliterated their sales record for the second straight month.

Following an anonymous tip, 17 bodies were recovered from a New Jersey nursing home. Insiders believe the tipster was the resident who woke up one morning with 17 roommates.

Forbes magazine posted tips to keep your glasses from fogging while wearing them with a facemask. Tip #1 is to not look at porn while wearing a facemask and glasses.

Facebook added a new reaction emoji, “Care”, to its Like button. It’s a smiley face hugging a heart. Asked why there isn’t a “Don’t Care” button, Zuckerberg said you already have Hide Post, Unfollow & Unfriend.

Apple launched the iPhone SE2, a new handset priced at $399. CEO Tim Cook said the new phone is a way for poor people to feel kinda cool.

AMC Theaters is hoping to salvage operations by raising $500 million cash in a private offering – they’re selling all their leftover popcorn.

Whole Foods is converting some stores to online-only. You can place orders for two week’s worth of groceries and also complete a financing application to pay for them.

 

By |

Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters he believes May 1st is “a bit optimistic”. He was referring not only to a date for reopening the U.S. economy, but also how long he expects to keep his job.

Al Jazeera reports ten women are rumored to be on Joe Biden’s list of potential vice presidents, pared down from a much longer list in binders he borrowed from Mitt Romney.

A Utah woman is selling face masks covered in images of penises to raise money for her charity. Her biggest customers are Catholic priests who miss seeing altar boys.

Hank Steinbrenner, son of the late George Steinbrenner and co-chairperson of the New York Yankees, died in Florida at age 63. Before he died, team officials gathered at his bedside for a final ceremony to fire Billy Martin.

If coronavirus postpones the NFL season, a third of cable TV customers say they’ll cancel. Two-thirds say they’ll wait until after the U.S. Cornhole Championships on ESPN2.

Google Wear OS smartwatches are adding notifications to wash your hands every three hours, and additional notifications for wearers of non-waterproof devices to buy a new watch.

A 93-year-old woman who held up a sign at her front door reading “I NEED MORE BEER” received a free 10-case shipment of Coors Light in a week. She’s now drunk and holding up a sign reading “I NEED TO GET LAID”.

A female Philadelphia prison inmate who died in custody had COVID-19, but prison officials claim she had an underlying condition. Asked what the condition was, they said “a dozen stab wounds”.

Disney+ is being criticized for covering Daryl Hannah’s bare buttocks with digital hair extensions in the 1984 film Splash. They’re also angering 60 year old starlets who didn’t get the part back then because of their hairy ass.

U.S. residents’ stimulus checks are being delayed because Donald Trump insisted his name be on each of them. Barron Trump and Eric Trump are being treated for carpal tunnel syndrome.