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Actress Anna Faris said she’s “lucky to be alive” after she and her family were sickened from carbon monoxide poisoning at a Lake Tahoe rental home. She also said her career is “lucky to be alive” after co-starring in ‘The Hot Chick’ with Rob Schneider.

This week’s powerful winter storm deposited over a foot of snow in 25 different states. It dumped so much white stuff over so much of the U.S., they named the storm El Chapo.

Rainy weather and an early frost damaged Idaho’s potato crop to the point where there may be a french fry shortage. In that event, shipment priority for fries will be given to the McDonald’s closest to The White House.

Instagram account @PassengerShaming posted a photo of an American flight that allowed a pony in the cabin as a passenger’s support animal. Other passengers were outraged, as were flight attendants who were asked to help the horse take its shoes off.

Susan Weddle, a 40-year-old Florida teacher, is accused of having sex with her son’s 15-year-old friend ‘several hundred times’.  “Where does she find the TIME?!” asked other busy teachers who can only squeeze in sex with students once or twice a month.

The NHL New Jersey Devils fired head coach John Hynes following a 7-1 loss in Buffalo. Hynes offered no comment but is said to be relieved the Devils are not in his detail.

Exes Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck allegedly argued outside of her house the day after Thanksgiving. She prefers stuffing outside of the bird, and he demands stuffing in them.

NASA cameras spotted the site where India’s Moon Lander crashed two months ago. It was right next to India’s Moon Tow Truck.

Google Photos launched a new private messaging feature, where you can share a photo with another Google Photos user, then have an ongoing chat about your breasts or penis.

Police captured two of the four teenage boys who escaped from a Nashville juvenile detention facility. The others remain at large, and cops are preparing for a tense standoff outside of Dave & Busters.

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Today is Tax Day, the last day to submit your federal, state & local income tax returns. It combines the one thing Americans aren’t very good at – math – with the other thing they are very good at — lying.

Tiger Woods won The Masters on Sunday, his first major championship win in 10 years – capping off a remarkable recovery from a near-career-ending bout with sex addiction.

The White House is evaluating transporting illegal immigrants to so-called sanctuary cities throughout the country. The policy projects to be a huge win for the owners of Megabus and the owners of children who didn’t think they could afford a nanny.

A Scandinavian Airlines flight landed 65 miles away from its target destination because of a GPS error. It turns out the pilot set Google Maps for ‘walking’ directions by mistake.

A 29-year-old man crashed his car, stripped naked, then went into a Palmdale, California McDonald’s and stabbed an 88-year-old man eating with his grandson before being shot dead by a security guard. “Some Happy Meal” said the grandson.

  • Patrons were shaken by the incident, and just as shaken to learn that McDonald’s has armed security guards.

A 21-year-old construction worker in India survived after a length of cast iron ‘rebar’ pierced both sides of his skull. Surgeons removed the bar without inflicting damage, after deciding against pouring concrete around it and leaving it there.

Lucasfilm CEO Kathleen Kennedy said that, after the release of ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ in December, there will be a break in release of Star Wars films. She’s meeting with ‘Game of Thrones’ creators David Benioff & D.B. Weiss to shape the next decade of stories, which will apparently have lots more nudity and bloody death.

The Coast Guard evacuated a 71-year-old woman a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after she showed heart attack symptoms. She was removed along with three family members, but medics refused her request to bring a to-go box from the seafood buffet.

Samantha Cerio, the Auburn University gymnast who dislocated both knees in a tumbling routine shared millions of times in a viral video, said she hopes to walk down the aisle at her summer wedding. Her fiancee said so long as she scores a 9.0 or higher on the walk, he’ll go through with it.

The Department of Justice will release the complete report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday. Democrats are hoping to schedule a crucifixion on Friday.

 

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Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”