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Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole and told everyone if they want to know what he did or didn’t see, they’ll have to tune in to Punxsutawney Eyewitness News at 6 & 11.

Tesla recalled 2.2 million vehicles because safety regulators say the font size of warning lights on the driver display is too small. Tesla argued the warning lights take up too much room on the screen where drivers like to watch movies.

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani appeared to counter divorce rumors after being spotted together at a store in rural Texas. Although new rumors have started since Gwen Stefani isn’t exactly thrilled about spending time in rural Texas.

Darius Rucker was arrested in Tennessee for what’s being described as a ‘minor drug offense’, or ‘Hootie and no Blow’.

E. Jean Carroll’s lawyer, Roberta Kaplan, said Donald Trump threw papers during his deposition at Mar-A-Lago because his legal team bought her lunch. Trump then demanded the toy from her Happy Meal.

Customers buying the new $3,499 Apple Vision Pro enhanced-reality headset were offered in-store demos at the New York flagship Apple store. Several immediately downloaded a movie and were arrested for dropping their pants in the Apple Store.

A Philadelphia couple is demanding answers after their six-month old baby was left behind inside a locked daycare facility after the owners closed it for the night. The parents hope to get the answers when they drop the baby off at the same place today.

Scammers posing as a Drexel University professor tricked a candidate for a paid internship out of thousands of dollars. Meanwhile, actual administrators at University of Phoenix scam students out of thousands of dollars before they graduate and get jobs at Burger King.

A Baltimore mom and entrepreneur claims to be a successful marketing exec who’s also found $2 million worth of merchandise ‘dumpster diving’. Although much of the money is spent on treatment of wounds she’s incurred fighting off raccoons.

Fitness experts recommend doing weight training, then cardio, to maximize workout effectiveness if you’re doing both. For gym creeps, they recommend cardio first because it’s easier to stare at more people while using a bike or treadmill.

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New Zealand will tax agricultural emissions – generated from the dung, urine & burps of cows and sheep – in an effort to curb climate change. Although hiring employees to measure the gas is difficult given the likelihood of comas and death from asphyxiation.

Brett Favre said he’s being “unjustly smeared” for his role redirecting Mississippi welfare funds to a sports facility at Mississippi State University. Favre said he knows a thing or two about unjust smears, having given them with his junk to NFL team massage therapists.

A jury found Infowars’ Alex Jones must pay nearly $1 billion in damages to families of Sandy Hook shooting victims. Jones’ bank accounts are expected to go from a ‘deep state’ to empty.

Two Florida men in separate cars were charged with shooting each other’s daughters during a road rage incident. It’s unclear which car got the good parking spot at Chuck E. Cheese.

Khloe Kardashian told fans she had surgery to remove a small cancerous tumor from her cheek. Since it was her ninth facial procedure, she’ll get the 10th one free.

A Texas family of five was sentenced for storming the Capitol together in the January 6th riots. In other news, Fox News has ordered a sitcom reboot of ‘Party Of Five’.

A Mar a Lago employee told the FBI that Donald Trump ordered him to move boxes from a storage room to his on-site residence. The boxes are alleged to contain classified documents, and a month’s worth of McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.

Social Security payments will incorporate an 8.7% cost-of-living increase in 2023, the highest such increase in 40 years. Manufacturers of wheelchairs and mobility scooters report a surge in demand for custom rims.

Minnesota resident Travis Gienger’s 2,560 pound pumpkin won the World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off in Half Moon Bay, Calif. Gienger returned with his prize to his Minnesota home, where 40 punks smashed it in his driveway overnight.

A dromedary camel was walked by his handler in the drive-thru of an In-N-Out burger restaurant in Las Vegas because the camel loves the french fries. However, it left disappointed because they wouldn’t accept payment from the camel’s American Express card.