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McDonald’s is offering free meals to healthcare workers and first responders, so they can switch things up and have someone take care of them when they become ill.

The U.S. Navy declassified three UFO videos taken by Navy pilots. The UFOs are planning a multi-city flyover to honor the brave extraterrestrials living among us. 

To prove that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is alive, North Korean media published a letter he allegedly sent to South Africa’s President Cyril Ramaphosa dated April 27th. However, in the letter Kim asked Ramaphosa what he wants for Christmas. 

Felicity Huffman’s daughter Sophia was accepted to college based on her own SAT scores. Welcome Sophia Huffman to Strayer University’s Class of 2029. 

Comcast and Verizon have extended their pledge not to disconnect past-due customers through June 30th. Actually, it’ll be a lot longer since they’ll need your phone and internet connected to hound you to pay your bill. 

Camera drone maker DJI upped the specs on its new Mavic Air 2 model to 34 minutes of flight time and 48-megapixel photos – now creeps can hover it outside the bathroom windows of women who take really long showers. 

An ozone hole that formed over the Arctic this spring and grew into the largest ever, has now closed. Although next week it will reopen for curbside ozone pickup only. 

Starting May 1st, portions of Yokohama, Japan’s Unko Museum – dedicated entirely to poop – will be available for virtual tours. If you don’t want to wait until then, you can fill your computer screen with poop by streaming The Ingraham Angle.

The cast of ‘Melrose Place’ is reuniting for an episode of YouTube’s “Stars In The House”, to raise money for out-of-work actors, like most of the cast of ‘Melrose Place’. 

JetBlue announced passengers will be required to wear face masks on flights. Spirit Airlines also made a policy change, announcing passengers will be required to wear pants. 

 

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Researchers developed a virtual reality video game, Sea Hero Quest, that they claim detects Alzheimer’s disease. In the game, players navigate a virtual boat. Those with early-stage Alzheimer’s do a poor job navigating the boat to checkpoints. Those with really bad Alzheimer’s drown.

Amazon is upgrading Amazon Prime from free two-day shipping to free one-day shipping, so customers can have packages stolen in half the time.

The U.S. Navy fired Rear Admiral John Ring, Commander of Guantanamo Bay prison, for “loss of confidence in his ability to command”. Ring accepted the decision, but said he’s going to continue looking for those missing cell keys.

The National Rifle Association is in a power struggle, with longtime executive Wayne LaPierre accusing outgoing President Oliver North of trying to get him fired. Members don’t understand why the two can’t just settle their differences with guns.

Burger King plans to roll out the meatless Impossible Whopper to all of its U.S. restaurants after a successful test run. Diners said they wanted an option that allowed them to take a break from meat, without resorting to eating at Arby’s.

Fishermen off Norway’s coast spotted a beluga whale wearing a harness equipped with mounts for GoPro cameras. They think the whale may have been trained by Russians, based on markings on the harness, and seeing Russian sailors’ heads peeking out of the whale’s blowhole.

According to a CNN tracker, President Donald Trump surpassed 10,000 lies told while in office – clearing the bar Friday when telling birthday girl Melania “you look prettier than the day I met you.”

Lee Stowell, a 54-year-old woman and former securities salesperson at Cantor Fitzgerald, is suing the firm and her coworkers for harassment, including putting feces in her Bernie Sanders coffee mug. The firm denies the allegations, and said they just have really lousy coffee.

A 44-year-old Baltimore woman received the first-ever transplanted kidney delivered by aerial drone to her hospital. Five other recipients are still waiting while their donor organs are retrieved from drones stuck in trees and on roofs.

Canadian users of the McDonald’s app allege they’re being hacked and being applied fradulent charges for food they never ordered. McDonald’s said they believe their app is secure, and that users should change their password to something other than Grimace.

 

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A North Korean soldier – shot five times while defecting to South Korea – was saved during surgery, but doctors discovered parasitic worms up to 11 inches long living in his intestines. When asked what the worms were doing in there, doctors replied “starving.”

Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robot is now capable of doing a backflip. However, due to its metallic legs and flat chest, it was cut from the cheerleading squad.

During press interviews for Wheel of Fortune’s 35th anniversary season, Vanna White shared stories from grateful past contestants, saying one woman used her prize money to adopt a child. Vanna didn’t give any more details,  but she probably used the money to buy a Bea or Dee.

A new study from University of California San Francisco states that the Apple Watch can accurately detect hypertension and sleep apnea – this according to autopsies of heavy snorers who wear a watch to bed for some reason.

Cult leader and serial murderer Charles Manson died at age 83. No funeral arrangements have been made public, but you can assume they’ll be about as private as it gets.

Apple’s planned competitor to Amazon’s Echo – the Apple HomePod – is being delayed until 2018, because Siri is already slammed with too many dumb questions from iPhone & iPad owners during the holidays.

Business analysts say Victoria’s Secret sales are down 11% because women want more comfortable underwear. Victoria’s Secret executives are also concerned that plus-size underwear sales may suffer if Amazon Lingerie becomes a reality.

A new wearable fitness tracker, the Spire Health Tag, is a small thumb-sized transmitter that you stick to your workout apparel and leave there, even in the laundry. Its makers say that it will run for months on a button cell battery, or until it blacks out from the smell.

Ryan Seacrest denies allegations of inappropriate behavior levied by his former wardrobe stylist, saying at no point was he ever Seacrest Out.

The U.S. Navy called the sky-drawn penis made by one of its jet pilots ‘unacceptable’, especially since an Army jet flew up and drew a bigger one.

 

 

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Sears is bringing back their Wish Book holiday catalog for 2017. The book starts with Sears wish that they not go out of business by Christmas.

Thor: Ragnarok opens this weekend. The film introduces Valkyrie, the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s first bisexual character. It also introduces Thor’s lesser-known half-brother who exposes himself to the women of Asgard – Looki.

Nintendo is set to release Super Mario Odyssey for Nintendo Switch on Friday, the latest installment in the Mario series of games. Mario’s experience has been updated as, for the first time, he runs & jumps among humans in a city environment, as he attempts to defeat Bowser before being captured and deported by ICE agents.

President Trump is finally poised to declare the opioid crisis a Public Health Emergency, following the unexpected overdose of his favorite caddy.

An Environmental Working Group study of grocery store fruits found strawberries have the highest levels of pesticide residue. The findings were published alongside EWG’s recipe for Thiabendazole Shortcake.

  • EWG also found that the best way to remove pesticide from apples was to wash them with a baking soda solution for 12 minutes, or, about enough time for the pizza to arrive.

Twitter revealed that it’s been overstating quarterly active user numbers by 1 to 2 million over the past nine months. President Trump promised to call his friend, Vladimir, to help Twitter pick up the slack.

Chinese Citizens are reacting negatively to McDonald’s decision to change its corporate name in China from Maidanglao –which roughly translates to McDonald’s, to Jingongmen
– which means ‘golden arches’.  A McDonald’s spokesperson said they tried to register the Chinese name for Upset Stomach, but that it was already taken by KFC.

The U.S. Navy launched the USS South Dakota, billed as the most highly-advanced stealth submarine ever, then couldn’t find it.

Two women accused President George H.W. Bush of groping them, each saying that he asked them to guess his favorite magician, followed by his answering “David Cop-a-Feel” as he grabbed their buttocks. Separately, Bush is being sued for Intellectual Property theft by two 7th grade boys in 1990 who say he stole their joke.

The National Retail Federation said that 2017 will set a record for the most store closings in U.S. history. Accepting the award was a guy who used to assistant manage a Radio Shack.

 

 

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Britain’s Prince George arrived for his first day of school. He was reportedly well-behaved, but looks forward to spending time relaxing on his Time Out Throne.

A woman in China reportedly gave birth while shopping. Since it was a girl, she returned it.

Comcast said that it will open over 130,000 Xfinity Wifi hotspots for free to Florida residents impacted by Hurricane Irma – so that even those Floridians who aren’t Comcast customers can see how awful Xfinity Internet service is.

Craig Carton, the co-host of nationally syndicated sports talk show ‘Boomer and Carton’ was arrested by the FBI and charged with operating a multi-million dollar Ponzi scheme to fund his gambling habit. The over/under was set at 5 years for his prison sentence, and Carton took the over.

A Bengal tiger was spotted roaming around metro Atlanta. It’s unclear how he got there, although residents assumed traffic was so bad the tiger decided to skip the car and walk.

Donald Trump Jr testified to Congress that he took the infamous meeting with Russians to gauge Hillary Clinton’s “fitness”. Bill Clinton commented that he could have told Trump Jr that it was nothing like it used to be.

A high-ranking Commander in the U.S. Navy is accused of making unwanted sexual advances and spanking a woman on the buttocks while he was drunk and dressed as Santa Claus at a Pentagon holiday party.  He was suspended for a uniform violation.

California paroled Charles Manson disciple Leslie van Houten. Van Houten thanked the parole board and said she hoped it wasn’t too late to start a family of her own.

The NBA Los Angeles Clippers have added 8 new “Star Courtside” seats on the floor at their home games, at a cost of $175,000 each. The seats come with a VIP Entrance, valet parking, waiter service, a ride home after the 1st quarter, and priority wait list for Lakers games.

Cruise lines are concerned about lost business resulting from Hurricane Irma. Carnival sent several of its ships into the hurricane’s eye to try and kill it with Norovirus.