The White House wants to put nutrition labels on the front of food packages. An Oscar Mayer spokesperson said they’re fine doing so with Lunchables, since it would only require printing the word “None”.

Rachel Dolezal now has an Only Fans page. She’s offering a ‘2-for-1, Buy White Nudes, Get Black Nudes Free’ deal.

Finance company Citigroup named Grant Carson to lead its operations in Russia. Carson said it’s always been a dream of his to meet Britney Griner.

Actress Lili Reinhart said she struggled with body dysmorphia while filming the latest season of Riverdale – constantly worrying that she didn’t have big enough Jugheads.

Oregon State University’s bipedal robot, ‘Cassie’, established a new world record for the 100-meter dash in 24.73 seconds, but then was disqualified for giving a sample of synthetic motor oil.

Blonde‘, a fictional Marilyn Monroe biopic, is the first Netflix movie to get an NC-17 rating. Teenage boys will have to decide whether it’s worth their time, or if they should just stick with free online porn.

Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Myles Garrett suffered no serious injury in a single-vehicle car wreck. The Las Vegas Raiders are dealing with several injuries after their season began with an 0-3 train wreck.

University of California-affiliated colleges are struggling to find affordable housing for students, since they’re located in some of the most expensive markets in the state. Dumpy-looking students living in dorms are now not only able to hook up for months on end, but collect cheap rent.

M&Ms introduced the new Purple M&M cartoon character to its lineup. It’s an entirely new female character, not the Red M&M choking the Green one.

Scientists are concerned about a new super-STD, M.gen, that won’t go away regardless of treatment. They’re calling it the Madonna virus.

The University of California system will phase out SAT & ACT test requirements, over claims the tests are biased against minorities and rich white dopes.

Authorities in Delaware arrested a man for the alleged sexual assault of ponies. The case was turned over to SHAVU – Special Horse Assault Victims Unit. [story h/t to N.K.]

A 31-year-old woman claims she and her two young children were ‘hunted’ at a Target location by three men who parked behind her in a windowless van. She then posted safety tips to other young moms who may be Target Targets. 

Some scientists believe strong strains of cannabis can prevent or treat COVID-19. And by “scientists”, they mean guys in their parents garage making a ventilator with a bong attachment. 

Netflix will begin purging subscribers who haven’t used the service in a year. Comcast said they have no similar plans, since they collect millions billing dead people. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, women in a Facebook group ‘Fairy Dust’ each other – leaving anonymous gift bags filled with treats on porches as random acts of kindness. Men can’t participate, after repeated warnings against leaving pics of their Fairy Wand in bags. 

Fitbit launched a COVID-19 early detection study via the Fitbit app. If their tracker detects symptoms, they’re advised to take 10,000 steps toward a hospital. 

IKEA released multiple sets of plans to build homes for bees, to sustain their dwindling populations. They advise patience while the queen bee tells you you’re taking too long to finish making it. 

Crayola released a new 32-crayon ‘Colors Of The World’ box, with shades better representing diverse skin tones of people throughout the world. “Delicious!” said kids. 

Donald Trump complained that Fox News is “doing nothing” to help him get reelected. Meanwhile, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and others are doing their part to help Joe Biden get elected, by not airing quotes from Joe Biden.