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Donald Trump’s oldest sister died, according to the New York City coroner, and according to work crews shutting down the driving range at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey to dig a hole.

As ABC’s hit The Golden Bachelor concludes, fans await the decision to name a senior ‘Golden Bachelorette’. Producers want a woman with good energy, camera presence, and – perhaps most important – who can stay alive for the whole show.

University of Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh will attend a Friday hearing regarding his suspension over the team illegally stealing playcalling signals from rivals. He’s sending his assistant coaches to scout other hearings to get a sense of how they go

The ESPNBet gambling app launches today. ESPN journalists are forbidden from placing wagers on sports they cover, but are free to become addicted to betting on all the other ones.

The United States Supreme Court adopted a Code Of Conduct. Justice Clarence Thomas asked when it starts because he’s pretty sure someone is getting him a new RV for Christmas.

Nepal banned TikTok, saying it disrupts social harmony. So tough luck if you wanted to see the Dalai Lama lip-synching to Cruel Summer (Taylor’s Version).

Tupac Shakur was nominated for a Grammy, and has a real shot.

As part of its comeback, Toys R Us is opening a store on the day before Thanksgiving in the U.S. largest retail location, Mall Of America. Parents are invited to bring their children to see which kid will have the first Toys R Us meltdown since 2018.

Tens of thousands of Jews rally in Washington DC today in support of Israel’s conflict with Hamas. It’s being treated by Homeland Security as a Level 1 Security Event – equal to the Super Bowl, only with a lot less athleticism and a lot more sweaters.

Applesauce pouches from WanaBana, Schnucks & Weis are being recalled due to high concentrations of lead. Parents are urged to check product labels, and to also see if their toddler feels heavier.

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Amazon is testing robotic machines that are able to pack customer orders in special boxes. The machines reportedly replace up to 24 human jobs, once they’ve figured out how to skip breaks by leaking oil into empty soda bottles.

A French documentary reports that Amazon routinely disposes of large quantities of unsold, unwanted products in what it terms “destruction zones” – their code name for Sears.

President Trump is reportedly highly involved in planning the nation’s July 4th celebration, including his giving a speech from the Lincoln Memorial. Staffers are busy figuring out how to move the Lincoln Memorial to Florida.

University of Michigan head basketball coach John Beilein is leaving the school to become head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The deal is reportedly for five years and a salary that makes it worth moving to Cleveland.

Facebook is paying content moderators up to $22/hour to review and manage potentially objectionable content. So when that girl told you she wouldn’t want to see your privates if you paid her? Well, now there’s someone who will.

AirHelp compiled its list of the best and worst airports worldwide. Newark Liberty Airport was named the Worst Airport in the United States.  Travelers with checked baggage arriving in Philadelphia International Airport plan to appeal.

Matthew Boling set a new U.S. high school record with a 10.13 second 100-meter dash.  Boling’s nickname is ‘white lightning’, because he is fast and because Irish American Lightning isn’t especially catchy.

Senator Elizabeth Warren refused an invitation to attend a Fox News Town Hall, calling Fox News a “hate-for-profit racket”. Fox News executives are considering it to replace their retired slogan “Fair and Balanced”.

Match.com is launching ‘Ask Match’, a feature where you can request dating advice from Match experts. So far, Match has terminated a number of male dating coaches whose sole advice to female members was “maybe you should just have sex with him.”

Lenovo has introduced a new laptop with a screen that bends in half. They say they got the idea from watching TSA inspectors do the same thing at airport check-in lines.

 

 

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First Lady Melania Trump kicked off year two of her youth-focused well-being program, ‘Be Best’. She said that, with enhancements to the program, she expects it to Be Bester.

Starting this summer, prescription drug ads in the U.S. will need to mention the drug’s price if it exceeds $35/month.  Drug companies asked for a compromise but were told “if you have to ask, you can’t afford depression” isn’t a real price.

University of Georgia sprinter Elija Goodwin slipped and fell into a javelin during practice, piercing his lung. He attempted to stagger away, but stepped on the head of rake next to the long-jump pit and was struck unconscious by the handle.

McDonald’s announced they’ll offer some international menu items in select U.S. restaurants for a limited time. McDonald’s wants to allow American customers to see how diners in other countries contract heart disease.

MTV fired Janelle Evans and her baby daddy, David Eason, from ‘Teen Mom 2’ after details emerged that Eason killed their dog, Nugget, after it snapped at their daughter. MTV said if the couple shot each other instead of the dog, it would have been better for ratings.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced the name of their baby, Archie. Harry said he was inspired by looking at photos of his big-eared father, Jughead.

Electric scooter rental service Bird is now selling its scooters direct to consumers. They say the average buyer is someone who’s rented an electric scooter, and wanted to recreate the excitement they experienced from their first concussion.

Amazon is selling a do-it-yourself guest house that can be assembled in 8 hours. When it’s finished and your mother-in-law moves in, you leave it on your porch and wait for someone to steal it.

A new University of Michigan study of wasps shows they’re highly intelligent, possessing a form of logical reasoning believed to have only existed in vertebrate mammals. This means when a wasp sees you pick up a magazine, it knows it better get the hell out.

A new porn video shows a man and woman having sex in a Tesla while the car drives on autopilot. Responding to critics, the woman said the video is clearly a fantasy, because most guys can’t afford a Tesla, and the video lasts three minutes.

 

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‘Crazy Rich Asians’ was shut out of Oscar nominations, drawing immediate, sharp criticism from crazy, rich, Asians.

  • ‘Black Panther’ became the first superhero movie to receive a Best Picture nomination – thrilling crazy, rich, Wakandans.

The Supreme Court temporarily upheld the Trump Administration’s ban on transgender persons in the military – simplifying the jobs of those in charge of military wardrobes.

Michael Gandolfini, son of dead actor James Gandolfini, will play Tony Soprano in a prequel film to ‘The Sopranos’.  Michael won the part with his audition tape – a video of him having sex to climax in 15 seconds wearing only a wifebeater and black socks on prom night.

22 cases of measles have been reported in Clark County, Washington state. Parents defended not vaccinating their children, believing they were in the clear when they kicked a kid named Rubella out of the play group.

Los Angeles school teachers agreed to terms on a deal that will end a six-day strike. Teachers said they’re looking forward to returning to work, but also that they really liked having a week to spend time with their favorite dropouts.

President Trump is looking at alternate dates & locations for the State of the Union, since Speaker Nancy Pelosi won’t invite him to do so before Congress. He’s reportedly asked to speak during the Super Bowl pregame, but networks don’t know how they’ll squeeze him in during those 12 hours.

Apple is running a contest to identify 10 of the best photos taken on an iPhone. Winning photos may be placed on billboards in large cities, depending on how those cities feel about 50-foot-wide pictures of penises and bare breasts.

A University of Michigan poll finds that 7 of 10 parents rely on “folklore strategies” – such as taking vitamin C & zinc; and staying indoors – to treat children’s common colds. Instead, parents should focus on hygiene such as hand washing,  and fun folklore solutions like whiskey drinking.

New research shows the number of Americans receiving liver transplants for alcohol-related liver failure steadily growing.  Experts credit excess drinking for those getting livers, and excess drinking and driving for those giving them.

Hundreds of Internal Revenue Service workers received permission to work from home during the partial government shutdown – meaning, your tax audit will likely happen via Facetime after your auditor gets back from a movie matinee.

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First Lady Melania Trump’s parents, Amalija and Viktor Knavs of Slovenia, became U.S. citizens this week. They recognized the milestone with an original speech that they co-wrote with their daughter, which they called the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.

President Trump again criticized NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem during preseason games, leading Commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation to find out how Fox News aired NFL preseason football games.

According to a survey from Match.com, New York had the highest 2016 average cost of a date – two restaurant dinners, a bottle of wine and two movie tickets – at $297. The measure doesn’t include the cost of pepper spray and a getaway Uber for dates who choose not to have sex after someone spent almost three hundred bucks.

HGTV won the bidding and purchased The Brady Bunch House in California. They plan to feature the home in a new remodeling show, where three men and three women restore the interior while forming a really crappy band.

A new University of Michigan study of online dating behavior looked at tens of thousands of messages in four U.S. cities: Chicago, Seattle, New York & Boston; and found that Asian women and older white men received the most messages. Although it turned out the study authors found that the older men were repeatedly messaging Asian women, who repeatedly messaged back to leave them alone.

According to Nielsen ratings, Nickelodeon’s ‘Henry Danger’ is the #1 rated show on cable tv among teens aged 12-17, except in households where parental controls have been cracked, where the top show is Anything With Nudity.

In Conestoga, PA, a septic truck driver lost control and flipped his truck in to a homeowner’s backyard pool. Asked to describe the smell of diesel fuel, oil and human waste, the fire chief told reporters “use your imagination…..or, just visit Wildwood Beach, New Jersey.”

Buffalo Wild Wings is considering allowing sports wagering in its 1,200 restaurants, saying they think customers will want to gamble on games — and lose — the same way they gamble — and lose — on ‘B-Dubs’ overpriced wings.

The world’s oldest hotel, Nishiyama Onsen Keiunkan, a resort near Mt. Fuji, has been managed by the same family for 52 generations and been open since 705 A.D. The new issue of Travel & Leisure magazine recognized them for having ‘the world’s oldest, most disgusting duvet covers’.

Facebook is shutting down ‘Friend List Feeds’, the customized feeds that showed only posts from select people. Facebook will be replacing it with ‘New Russian Friends Whether You Like It Or Not’.

 

 

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After a months-long investigation, a woman and her father were arrested for dumping popcorn and the empty bucket on a 2-year-old for talking during a screening of The Last Jedi. The child allegedly suffered a contusion, the accused were charged with excessive use of Force.

Walmart is entering the meal-kit business to take on the likes of Blue Apron and Hello Fresh.  Walmart will offer three different kits – each includes a bag of Doritos, a pair of scissors and a Redbox coupon.

A Cleveland mother was arrested after her 8-year-old son shot her 4-year-old daughter. The daughter is listed in stable condition; the 8-year-old hired an NRA lawyer and is expected to invoke the Stand Your Blanket Fort defense.

President Trump’s threats to levy tariffs on imported steel and aluminum was greeted with hostility by European officials, who threatened to tax U.S. exports of bourbon, Levi’s and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. “O non!” said the leader of the world’s least scary French motorcycle gang.

Entrepreneur Kristina Roth is opening SuperShe Island, a private luxury retreat off the coast of Finland where no men are allowed. The catch is that Roth personally selects the guests via the resort’s website. Roth said the number one selection criteria is ‘having an amazing personality’, followed by ‘being a really hot, rich lesbian’.

The Shape of Water won the Oscar for Best Picture. Match.com was down temporarily due to a surge in single women searching for single men with dorsal fins.

Kobe Bryant won an Oscar for producing a short film, as white people congratulated themselves on jokes about his ‘crossover’ into filmmaking.

An e-cigarette study published in the journal Pediatrics found five cancer-causing toxins in the urine of 16-year-olds using e-cigarettes. They also found alcohol and cocaine, so they fired the 17-year-old in charge of the study.

Skiers and snowboarders at Olympic Valley ski resort in California used their hands to rescue others who were covered by snow during a freak avalanche. The rescue would have happened sooner, but there was confusion from the text messages that read “dude I’m totally buried right now.”

University of Michigan defensive tackle prospect Maurice Hurst was sent home from the NFL Combine after doctors found a heart condition. They also found dozens of players with CTE symptoms but let’s….let’s get that heart checked out.