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The remnants of Hurricane Ophelia hit Ireland’s west coast, with wind speeds of roughly 109mph. Those wind speeds are expected to accelerate to 250mph in any story an Irish guy tells about it next year.

Astronomers for the first time observed a collision between neutron stars, which created gravitational waves and sent gold, platinum and lead hurtling through space. The historic observation may provide partial answers to age-old questions such as “What is the origin of the universe?’ and “How did Superman’s dad on Krypton get so rich?”

A Texas juvenile center employee confessed to stealing $1.2million worth of fajita shipments over a 9 year period. He was apprehended after warning an undercover agent to be careful touching the fajitas because they were extremely hot.

The University of Chicago Divinity School named its first-ever Jewish dean. Students praised new Dean Laurie Zoloth, and her plan to institute 30 new religious days off that enrollees have never heard of before.

Police in Seattle responded to a call where a man wielding deer antlers attacked someone at a downtown shelter. Seattle PD later released a photo of an officer posing with the 12-point homeless buck he shot. [h/t to J. Levytsky]

According to The New Yorker, President Trump repeatedly makes jokes at Vice President Pence’s expense. During a conversation on gay rights, Trump allegedly said “don’t look at him, he wants to hang all of them!”. Pence corrected Trump, saying he said that all the gays he’s met are hung.

Netflix told investors at their quarterly earnings report that they’ll spend up to $8 Billion on programming in 2018, up from a projected $6 Billion in 2017.  The money will go to increased acquisition costs as studios like Disney start their own streaming services, and to build/populate a women’s prison for Orange Is The New Black.

President Trump said that he and embattled GOP Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell are “closer than ever before”; adding that McConnell is “like a Miss USA contestant to me.”

Police were summoned to the Quaker Bridge Mall in New Jersey, where a man stripped naked, sat in a massage chair on the mall concourse, and punched an officer. Later, the man explained that he’d been on his feet all day exposing himself to Victoria’s Secret shoppers, and needed to rest. [h/t to M. Brooks]

The President plans a written order to declare a national emergency on opioids sometime next week, after the shoulder soreness from golfing is addressed.

A two-star Army general has been relieved of his command for texting the wife of a sergeant in his unit to call her a ‘hottie’. An Army spokesman said that the texts compromised morale, since the general didn’t call all of the enlisted men hotties, too.

 

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The Centers for Disease Control recorded over 2 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis & chlamydia in 2016 – the highest annual number ever recorded. The record-breaking year was celebrated with a lavish party at Tinder headquarters.

A male music teacher is being investigated for possibly giving grade school students wind instruments contaminated with his semen as part of the ‘Flutes Across the World’ music instruction program. Lab analysts are busy trying to separate the flutes contaminated with the instructor’s bodily fluid from the ones used by kids that like GoGurt.

Many eyes will be on NBA players as preseason games begin. Commissioner Adam Silver reminded teams NBA rules require that players stand for the National Anthem. However the league has yet to intervene to force NBA players to do things they don’t want to do, like play defense.

Filmmaker James Cameron has been slammed for his remarks calling this summer’s Wonder Woman movie a ‘step backward’ for women because of lead actress Gal Gadot’s beauty and form-fitting bustier costume. To back up his criticism, Cameron said all the female Na’vi in the Avatar sequels will get digital breast reductions and wear extra-large sweatshirts.

Justin Timberlake is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime performer. Janet Jackson may join him to reunite their pairing from the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction 14 years ago — but just to watch Timberlake while she breastfeeds her son.

As President Trump’s war of words with the Mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico continued, Vice President Mike Pence visited FEMA headquarters to ensure that Puerto Rico would be able to receive large shipments of thoughts and prayers.

The Wall Street Journal profiled a food executive who is starting a new form of yoga done while standing on a floating paddleboard. Her favorite position is the sun salute; her least favorite is drownward dog.

The stars of Sex and the City confirmed to tv’s ‘Extra’ that there will be no Sex and the City 3 movie. However, ‘Menopause in the City’ is still a possibility.

The Flatliners remake bombed at the box office over the weekend, leaving entertainment writers struggling for a word to describe it.

Actresses Kristen Stewart and Lupita Nyong’o are rumored to be in consideration for another Charlie’s Angels reboot. This time, the story focuses on three women spies that men aren’t all that interested in and vice-versa.

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Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged unwanted sexts he sent to several female coworkers. Bolling is host of ‘The Five’, named for the sexts.

  • Bolling becomes the latest man at Fox News to be the subject of sexual harassment allegations, following late founder Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, and almost all of Fox News Penis Photography Division.

Anny Divya, a 30 year-old woman, is the youngest commander/pilot of a Boeing 777 after receiving her certification from Air India. Passengers can expect to hear that they’ve totally reached their cruising altitude of, like, 35,000 feet or whatever.

10 people were injured when a flight from Greece to Philadelphia hit severe turbulence as it neared landing. Passengers described their experience as “terrifying” – both the experience of flight, and the experience of being in Philadelphia.

Swiss bank UBS released a study claiming that using self-flying, pilotless planes could save airlines $35 Billion per year, but that only 17% of passengers would welcome flying in a pilotless plane. The other 83% of respondents were sober.

A marijuana growing company purchased the entire town of Nipton, California for $5 million. Many of the small town’s 20 residents hope to be hired by the grower, register for employee benefits, then never show up for work again.

Vice President Mike Pence dismissed reports that he was considering a 2020 Presidential run as “disgraceful & offensive”. And, in all likelihood, true.

Atlanta firm Cardlytics – a research company specializing in tracking credit card spending – says young U.S. residents are spending less on gasoline and more on boutique fitness classes. The research is validated by Uber drivers who are so sick of hearing about your Soul Cycle class.

Bill and Hillary Clinton attended a screening of ‘Wonder Woman’. Bill stayed until the end, Hillary walked out when she realized it wasn’t about her.

A pop-up tornado in Tulsa, Oklahoma injured over 30 people, including six diners at a TGIFriday’s. None of their injuries were life-threatening, mostly related to flying debris and endless mozzarella sticks.

A New Jersey surgeon is believed to be among the first to use a plastic, 3d-printed skull implant on a human. The patient is expected to make a full recovery and resume smashing beer cans in to his head at the Jersey Shore.

 

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Apple unveiled its latest round of new emoji, including a breastfeeding mom and a woman in a headscarf. Mike Pence’s wife Karen immediately took away his iPhone.

  • Other additions include a “mind blown” face, and a face spewing green vomit, part of the “Make America Great Again” emoji bundle.

This week is “Made In America” week as declared by President Trump, with all states sending items to The White House that were made in that state. Georgia sent food from Chick Fil A, and Arizona sent golf clubs from PING Golf – at which point the President told all the remaining states not to bother.

  • New York and the District of Columbia sent their latest creations – fact-based stories from the New York Times and Washington Post about Trump & Russia.

Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau met a 2 month old baby, born to Syrian refugees living in Canada, named Justin-Trudeau Adam Bilau, as he attended a rodeo in Calgary. Meanwhile last June, Donald Trump met a 39 year old baby named Donald Trump Jr, born to one of his ex-wives, right after he conferenced with Russian operatives in New York.

President Trump’s overall job approval rating dropped to 38%, the lowest of any President six months in to his term recorded in the last hundred years. Trump criticized the poll and said he was waiting for Nielsen ratings.

Subway announced they’re looking to freshen up the appearance of their stores to help halt declining sales. Subway’s CEO said that they require franchisees to update their facilities every 7 to 10 years, and update their meat & rolls every 10 to 15 years.

O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing is scheduled for this Thursday. If granted, O.J. is eligible for release on October 1st, and available for cameos in Adam Sandler movies on October 2nd.

A stunt man fell to his death on the set of The Walking Dead. He was recast an hour later as an extra.

Honda released its newly-redesigned 2018 Honda Accord sedan. “Cool!” said your Dad.

A million dollars worth of marijuana was found in spare tire compartments of Ford Fusions assembled in Mexico. The DEA is investigating, but meanwhile Ford is reporting record sales of the Fusion Special El Chapo Edition.

Ed Sheeran made a cameo appearance on the season premiere of Game of Thrones, playing a soldier leading other soldiers in a singalong…until a guy came along and changed the station to a different group of soldiers.

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A fugitive from a South Carolina prison used wire cutters dropped from a drone as part of his escape plan. He was captured in Texas, but prison officials are now banning inmates from joining Amazon Prime.

The World Health Organization issued a warning regarding a new antibiotic-resistant strain of Gonorrhea, dealing yet another blow to the already-reeling tourism business of Atlantic City, NJ.

Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump met at the G20 Summit in Hamburg. The meeting was scheduled for 45 minutes but lasted over two hours — the extra time was used for Putin to edit and approve Trump’s tweets.

  •  At one point, Melania Trump entered the meeting in an attempt to end it. The President told her she’d just have to go see the Spider Man movie without him.

Vice President Mike Pence was photographed touching equipment at the NASA Kennedy Space Center clearly marked with at DO NOT TOUCH sign. He was embarrassed, and also worried that he may have been touching a female rocket.

A Kenyan marathoner attending college in Maine said that he had to escape two black bears he encountered during a training run. The bears pursued him, but eventually gave up after getting shin splints.

Activists are planning sit-ins to protest the GOP Health Care Bill, which they feel will prevent them from two-hour sit-ins in the waiting room of their doctor.

Workers at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello believe they’re unearthed slave living quarters once occupied by Sally Hemmings. They found walls, a fireplace, and notes on the bed signed by Tommy Baby.

Sears & KMart announced they’re closing over 40 more stores, part of their “Going Out Of Business Any Day Now” Sale.