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Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

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Spirits maker Diageo and ‘Diddy’ ended their partnership after he accused them of marketing his Ciroc vodka and DeLeon tequila as “urban” brands. Diageo denied the claims, then shared a recipe mixing Ciroc & Colt 45 malt liquor as a ‘Diddypolitan’.

Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce reportedly said “f… my life!” every time the team ran their famous ‘tush push’ short-yardage play. Quarterback Chase Young of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers said it before every play and practice.

A woman named Samantha Hart claims that her employer changes their email address protocol of first initial/last name to avoid the accidentally vulgar ‘shart@…’ prefix. She requested they just add a number so it’s ‘shart#2@…’

People with index fingers shorter than their ring fingers are more likely to be psychopaths. Just ask them to let go of the knife before you get a good look at their hands.

Kate, Princess of Wales, is expected to be hospitalized up to two weeks following abdominal surgery to remove several of the late Queen Elizabeth II’s famous scones that have been stuck there for years.

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai warned staff that more layoffs are coming. It’s so bad, Google AI bots are sending out resumes.

Kanye West reportedly spent $850,000 to have his teeth removed and replaced with titanium dentures. He then paid Procter & Gamble $1 million to develop mint-flavored Dawn dish detergent so he could brush them.

3M began issuing payments after losing a $6 billion judgment over its combat earplugs not working. Injured soldiers would be happy to hear this news if they could.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that head coach Mike McCarthy would return next season, despite the team’s blowout playoff loss to Green Bay. Asked to explain his decision, Jones stated “Belichick said no.”

A passenger on a budget airline was stuck in the jet’s bathroom for the duration of a flight because the lock broke. The passenger received an apology from the crew, but the passengers in the last rows next to the bathroom were the ones who really suffered.

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Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.