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Texas Senator Ted Cruz was booed, flipped off, and pelted with beer cans while riding in the Houston Astros World Series victory parade. He then returned home where he was booed, flipped off and pelted with beer cans.

Today is Election Day. Later this week doctors will diagnose a record number of patients with carpal tunnel syndrome from overusing the Mute button on their tv remotes.

Monday night’s record $1.9 billion Powerball lottery drawing was delayed because of a ‘technical issue’. The blonde model announcing the numbers thought something was missing, so she threw a paddle in with the ping-pong balls.

Powerball likely won’t be settled on Election Day, because state lottery commissions have to wait and count mail-in entries.

The NHL Boston Bruins have cut ties with Mitchell Miller, a defense prospect who bullied a developmentally challenged black boy when he was 14. There’s that, and he’s also not great at blocking shots or fighting.

Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando theme parks are under a state of emergency with the approach of Subtropical Storm Nicole. Guests at Disney & Universal are asked to keep their ears and Spidey senses open, respectively.

Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing the NFL’s Washington Commanders. Although players say they’re worried about the 10-hour practices and having to piss in Gatorade bottles.

A Chicago high-school principal was suspended for posing with a student who dressed as Nazi soldier and gave a Nazi salute onstage during a Halloween costume contest. The principal defended his actions, saying he always takes a photo with the contest winner.

An Australian man is charged with physically assaulting the cleaner who interrupted his sexual encounter with a woman in a handicapped stall at a nightclub by repeatedly knocking on the stall door. The paraplegic waiting to use the stall called it ‘still kind of a mess’, but got through it okay.

Rappers Drake and 21 Savage are being sued by publisher Conde Nast for placing their photos on fake Vogue magazine covers to promote their new album. A spokesperson for Vogue says they never gave permission, but that they could still maybe get on the cover of Vogue if they each lost about fifty pounds.

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Expansion football league XFL announced team names and logos for their inaugural 2023 season, including the St. Louis Battlehawks, San Antonio Brahmans and D.C. Defenders. Mid-season they’ll be joined by the Philadelphia Bankruptcy Lawyers.

Under new owner Elon Musk, Twitter will require verified users to pay $8/month to keep their blue checkmark or they’ll get kicked off. Donald Trump is expected to rejoin Twitter and accumulate $24 in debt he won’t pay by February.

Kanye West says he “hasn’t gotten supermodel pussy” in over a month. A dejected Candace Owens no longer thinks she’s a supermodel.

A Stanford University student serving as sports mascot The Tree was suspended from their role for holding a sign reading ‘Stanford Hates Fun’ during halftime of a football game. The student was ordered to shed their leaves and became The Deciduous Tree.

A study of mice finds a link between nose-picking and Alzheimer’s. Senior mice dispute the study, saying its just harder for them to find tissues to blow their nose.

Scientists identified a gene that is responsible for ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ – specifically, anyone carrying DNA in common with KISS bassist Gene Simmons.

Retired professional boxer Goran Gogic was arrested and charged with trafficking over a billion dollars worth of cocaine. Gocic was photographed shirtless next to 20 tons of coke at the weigh-in.

Two Philadelphia eateries – Angelo’s Pizza and Mike’s BBQ – refused to provide catered meals to the visiting Houston Astros during the World Series. In other news, Philadelphia eateries including scrapple with breakfast catering were charged for trying to poison the Astros.

‘Dancing With The Stars‘ professional Cheryl Burke said in an interview that her high school boyfriend badly bruised her legs by whipping them with a belt while his parents watched. On the plus side, it made her learn the latin hustle before the big homecoming dance.

A leading career consultant advises workers to stop saying “I’m sorry” after making an error at work, which makes you appear weak. Instead they recommend other phrases like “I take full responsibility”, “How can I improve?”, and “F**k you, I’m planning to quit anyway”.

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Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

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A new Wallethub study claims Iowa is the best U.S. state to drive in. Mainly because no other place creates the same joy you get once you drive your way out of Iowa.

The Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump began in the U.S. Senate on Tuesday,  Trump watched from Davos, Switzerland, wondering when the court clerks finally bring in bag after bag of children’s letters to Santa Claus.

Queen Elizabeth reportedly considered stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their ‘Duke & Duchess of Sussex’ titles. Harry & Meghan reportedly considered stripping, too, now that they no longer receive public funds.

Health officials in Washington state confirmed the first U.S. case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus, after someone ordered the cashew shrimp.

Two NYPD officers, a male and female, were disciplined for having sex in a precinct bathroom stall. “Police! Put your hands where I can’t see ’em!” said the female.

Finance website GOBankingRates claims $100,000 in retirement savings will last the longest for residents of Mississippi. They cite affordable housing, low taxes, and the happiness from everyone there calling you a billionaire.

Houston Astros owner Jim Crane said Astros players will publicly apologize at Spring Training for stealing pitching signs in 2018. Then they’ll go to their hotel rooms with groupies in tow and think long and hard about what they did.

Due to unusually cold temperatures in Florida, the National Weather Service issued a “falling iguana” warning, since iguanas may drop from trees because they’ve stopped moving. They also issued a rare “alligators wearing hats and mittens” warning.

It’s so cold in Florida, Donald Duck was spotted in Orlando shopping for pants.

Apple is set to introduce a new low-cost iPhone around March. It’s rumored to cost about $449 for the phone, and $399 to repair the screen after you drop it.

A global study states broadband Internet service in the U.S. is more expensive than 118 other countries. The cheapest high-speed Internet service is found in Syria, although tech support there is a challenge because the call centers keep blowing up.

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A former executive at Juul claims the company knowingly shipped one million contaminated mint-flavored vape pods. Juul called the accusation baseless, and that the pods were clearly labeled emphysemamint.

The ISIS spy who gave U.S. forces information on the location of Abu Bakr Al-Bagdadi was an insider.  ISIS is demanding to know the identity of the flute-blower.

President Trump will invite Conan – the U.S. Special Forces canine injured in the Al Baghdadi raid – to the White House. The dog will get to choose between Big Macs, Whoppers or Snausages.

The Washington Nationals won the World Series. No word on an invitation to the White House, but most players have already said it’s kind of out of their way.

The Arena Football League has ceased operations. Players are cleaning out team and league offices which, ironically, pays better than playing in the Arena Football League.

Fast-food restaurants were graded for their overuse – or lack of it – of antibiotics in beef. Chipotle received the only A. Burger King, Sonic and Applebees received Fs – as did Starbucks, who said nobody’s really buying their Prime Rib Capuccino anyway.

United Airlines is debuting a new Star Wars-themed plane in honor of the new film Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Overbooked passengers who refuse to give up their seat can be dragged off the plane by a service droid.

A California middle school apologized for mistakenly printing a sex hotline number instead of a suicide prevention number on student IDs. Although many students admitted the person they called gave them a new reason to live.

Michael Lohan said daughter Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Saudi crown prince Mohammad bin Salman is “platonic and respectful”, adding that bin Salman has not once contemplated having Lindsay interrogated and dismembered by staffers.

A life-sized Godzilla attraction is opening at a Japanese amusement park. While visitors expressed excitement at seeing Godzilla, they’re disappointed at the roller coasters being repeatedly shut down after Godzilla steps on them.

 

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A command for iPhones “Siri I’m getting pulled over” reportedly video records police and texts a contact to let them know what’s happening. Siri then gives tips on where to hide your drugs and directions for the upcoming high-speed chase.

Referees in Monday’s Steelers/Dolphins game took ten minutes to review a coaches challenge of an apparent first down. They said it took so long because as they reviewed video, they switched channels to see who was eliminated on Dancing With The Stars.

O.J. Simpson said the 2-5 Cleveland Browns should hire University of Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh to replace their current head coach Freddie Kitchens after they stab Kitchens to death.

Politicians criticized the Washington crowd at the World Series for booing and chanting “lock him up” at President Trump. A fan etiquette expert from Philadelphia said the proper behavior was to throw batteries or, if seated close enough to the President, vomit on him.

KMart in Australia pulled a children’s ‘Bride’ Halloween costume from its shelves after protests from parents. They say the costumes will either be destroyed, or shipped to Mississippi at the request of multiple wedding planners.

Actor/wrestler John Cena said that his dating philosophy isn’t ‘gender specific’ – that he’s willing to date both women and girls.

Caitlyn Jenner turned 70, but says she feels like a five-year-old woman.

Apple released iOS 13.2, including 398 new emoji, making it even easier for you to give up looking for the one you want.

Juul is eliminating 500 jobs. Impacted employees waiting to hear about their severance packages are being told “vape ’em if you got ’em.”

Director Olivia Wilde criticized Delta Airlines for showing an in-flight version of her film ‘Booksmart’ that edited out girls kissing and the word lesbian. A Delta spokesperson said the move was to distract people from the rest of the awful Delta inflight experience.

 

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Turkey rejected a U.S. call for immediate cease-fire in Syria, while the U.S. rejected a call for immediate cease-chop from Thanksgiving turkeys.

Police were called to the home of Ron Ely, star of 60s tv series Tarzan, after an elderly woman there had been shot and killed. “Me Tarzan. Need lawyer.” said Ely.

In Utah, a 190-pound mastiff dog named Floyd was rescued from a hiking trail after becoming too tired to walk. He has since been bombarded with questions from other dogs about how they can get out of long walks on steep hills.

The Washington Nationals swept the St Louis Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. They’ll face the winner of the Houston Astros/New York Yankees series, and hope fans of those teams actually buy tickets for games in Washington.

A lethal outbreak of Legionnaire’s Disease has been traced to inhalation of mist from a hot tub display at a North Carolina county fair – and to the prize-winning hogs bathing in the hot tubs.

Felicity Huffman has reported to prison for her two-week sentence, and is in talks with TLC to star in their newest reality series 14-Day Lesbian.

NASA unveiled a new unisex space suit. It contains compartments in the crotch and chest so both men & women astronauts can stuff them.

Bose is attempting to understand problems with its QC35II noise-cancelling headphones by visiting customers at home. So far their research has been slowed by people wearing them not hearing the doorbell.

A man was able to track down and stalk a Japanese pop star by determining her location from reflections in her eyes in her selfies. His story has been purchased by the producers of CSI:Tokyo.

Google debuted its latest smartphone, the Pixel 4, which can respond to hand gestures. No word on how it responds to the gesture of your hands flailing at it when you drop it.

 

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Tom Brady’s son turns 16 today. He was given a big hug by his grandmother, who was promptly flagged for unnecessary roughness.

President Trump said he’ll ask each of his cabinet secretaries to cut their budgets by five percent to reduce federal spending. Education secretary Betsy Devos was the first to finish her homework, dropping her $10 billion budget by $50.

The Houston Astros were denied a two-run home run on a call of fan interference in their game against the Boston Red Sox, despite video showing that the fan did not reach over the fence to try to catch the home run ball. Boston fans said the Houston fan made a mistake trying to catch the ball instead of dumping a beer on the outfielder’s head.

In a new book, physicist Stephen Hawking writes that there is no God. And since it was published after his death, you just know that he’s right.

A report from the United Nations Population Fund states that 40% of births in the U.S. are to unmarried couples, most of whom are living together — at least for a little while.

Two ISIS terrorists got hair transplants in Turkey in an attempt to disguise themselves before heading to Germany for an attack. The plan was foiled when the terrorists became upset with the stylist’s color results and threatened to blow up the beauty salon.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo returned from Saudi Arabia, where he met officials to ask about the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi. Pompeo said he advised “giving the Saudis a few days” to investigate. The Saudis then ramped up their investigation with bleach, new flooring & wallpaper.

Facebook has a dedicated political ‘war room’ at its headquarters, where policy, security & legal teams identify and take action to remove misinformation ahead of 2018 elections. It’s intense work, so the teams take occasional breaks to relax and make money selling users’ personal information.

Baltimore’s police union expressed its displeasure at a Saturday Night Live skit depicting female Baltimore police officers sexually harassing a man at a traffic stop. Baltimore police said it was inappropriate, and wished it was a more accurate skit depicting officers battering a suspect instead.

Friends say that Khloe Kardashian hasn’t decided whether to break up with partner Tristan Thompson, saying she needs time to decide how it will impact her family and tv ratings.