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Kim Kardashian and Tom Brady were rumored to be “super flirty” at a July 4th party. Since Gronk will always be his tight end, Kim will have to be fullback.

A new study finds harmful chemicals are present in tap water in roughly 50% of U.S. cities – and in roughly 100% of Dasani, as a flavoring agent.

A bodyguard for NBA rookie Victor Wembanyama reportedly slapped Britney Spears in the face in Las Vegas when she tapped him on the shoulder for a photo. Britney declined the photo afterward because they got her good side.

Doctors in Singapore removed an octopus stuck in a man’s throat. The man sent the octopus in to grab the frog stuck there.

‘Matlock‘ is being rebooted with Kathy Bates, after network research among assisted living residents determined the one thing lacking from the Andy Griffith original was sex appeal.

Performers are concerned about fans throwing items on stage during concerts, after Bebe Rexha, Kelsey Ballerini, Pink & Drake all had incidents. Other artists like Toby Keith aren’t worried, and hope someone throws a decent song at him.

Vanderpump Rules Ariana Madix – who gained notoriety after her boyfriend had sex with her best friend – is the first confirmed contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Although execs are wondering whether, with this level of casting, they need to rebrand as Dancing With People You Might Have Heard Of.

An 81-year-old female nudist gave a CNN reporter advice for first-timers going to a nude beach, saying to behave “like you’re at a church picnic”. Only don’t stare at the pie and hot dogs.

Las Vegas debuted the MSG Sphere – an 18,000-seat arena billed as the World’s Largest Spherical Structure. Despite being round, owners say that once visitors are inside, they’ll be able to find a corner to piss in.

A teacher’s assistant in Canada was fired after school administrators discovered her OnlyFans account. In spite of her job status, three dozen sophomore boys paid to watch after-school detention.

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62 female prison inmates at Lockhart Correctional Facility in Texas became high school graduates, increasing their pay while incarcerated by 25% to $0.12/hour. Officials with scent-tracking dogs are looking for 3 missing grads wearing caps & gowns.

July 4th was recorded as Earth’s Hottest Day ever – with a global average temperature of 62.9 degrees. Women of Earth asked the planet if it could turn the heat up to 68.

Beyoncé cancelled her planned Renaissance Tour stop in Pittsburgh, much to the dismay of her thousands of regional fans, the Beyinzérs.

A disproportionate number of employees impacted by tech industry layoffs since last fall were women – leading females who still have tech jobs to reconsider going to Happy Hour with male supervisor nerds.

A Colorado supermarket employee was fired for posting a TikTok video of three men stealing $500 worth of laundry detergent. One of the thieves was arrested, since the video prevented a clean getaway.

A Massachusetts woman missing for three days was found in a state park with her body stuck in mud. She praised search & rescue workers, and the amazing exfoliating power of the mud.

A Birmingham, Alabama news reporter who believed she’d been sent to the scene of a domestic violence incident found her boyfriend there on one knee asking her to marry him. She accepted, then punched him in the mouth.

July 4th partygoers at California’s Lake Tahoe left behind a record-breaking 8,559 pounds of garbage. It marked the second-largest pile of human trash gathered on Independence Day – the biggest being a Kid Rock concert.

Defunct weight-loss brand Jenny Craig is being revived after being purchased by Nutrisystem’s parent company. Jenny Craig will be marketed as a direct-to-consumer meal service that subscribers can cheat on.

A 14-year-old Oklahoma boy accidentally shot his 8-year-old brother with a gun he found in the car they waited in while their mother shopped at Walmart. She returned to the car with a birthday card, shocked that the teen already found his present.

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A new study links consumption of fried food to an increased risk of depression. The study followed 500 death row inmates ordering their last meal.

The U.S. Secret Service discovered cocaine in the White House, leading to a brief evacuation, and a brief visit from Hunter Biden.

Shark attacks at Long Island beaches prompted increased patrols. Lifeguards are asking amputees with prosthetic legs if they want to wade in the surf looking for sharks since they have less to lose.

Blueberries and green beans joined the USDA’s ‘Dirty Dozen’ list of nonorganic produce containing the most pesticides. They wanted to test produce for organic pesticide content, but it all rotted by the time they finished.

Riders on a Wisconsin roller coaster were stuck upside-down for over three hours after it malfunctioned. Everyone was taken to a hospital for evaluation and to wring the urine out of their shirts.

Former ‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack was released from a California prison after serving a portion of her three-year sentence for recruiting women to the NXIVM sex cult. She plans to stay in touch with others from her cell block in case she decides to get back in business.

Ben & Jerry’s official account stirred outrage with its July 4th social media post that the ‘U.S. exists on stolen Indigenous land’. A boycott is being organized by angry conservatives and people who don’t have the six bucks for a pint of ice cream.

A 69-year-old South Carolina woman walking her dog near a golf course lagoon was attacked and killed by an alligator. The alligator was captured, and the dog was praised for its quick thinking outrunning the woman.

One person died and nine more injured at a fireworks show in Michigan. Local 8-year-olds called the show “too short”.

Meta’s new app – a Twitter clone called Threads – is set to launch tomorrow. So get ready to check your posts after an hour to find they’ve gotten zero Likes in two different places.

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With the intent to fill open positions, New York State Police raised the maximum age for new officer candidates from 29 to 34, while dropping the required minimum number of functioning limbs from 4 to 3.

Shane van Gisbergen won NASCAR’s first-ever Chicago street race, after multiple delays from weather, and from police chases after other racer’s vehicles were carjacked.

July’s Full Buck Moon, the first of four supermoons this summer, rises tonight. LGBTQ+ activists are boycotting the Moon for failing to deliver a supermoon during Pride Month.

The Fury 325 roller coaster at Carowinds amusement park in North Carolina was shut down after a social media user posted a photo of a crack in one of the ride’s support beams. Meanwhile, all coasters at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey continued to operate while multiple riders smoked crack.

Philadelphia Police arrested an armed carjacker just one hour after he stole a Ford Edge. He was apprehended immediately following the successful completion of his on-road Driver’s License Exam.

Texas pastor David Lloyd Walther pleaded guilty to downloading over 100,000 images of child pornography, and promised to refund parents who’d enrolled their kids in his ‘Movie Star! ‘-themed Vacation Bible School.

Over 1,000 Dolly Parton impersonators attempted to break the Guinness World Record for the largest gathering of fans in full “head-to-toe Dolly Parton costumes”. While they waited for the record to be certified, 600 participants were treated for severe back pain and spasms.

Vietnam is banning the new Barbie movie over a map depicting Asian territory as belonging to China. Producers are considering editing the scene out of the movie because they don’t want anyone thinking the film is educational.

Tyson Foods will remove the ‘No Antibiotics Ever’ label on its chicken, after admitting they need to use some to keep chickens disease-free. They also have to remove ‘No Drugs Ever’ after catching some chickens using ecstasy.

Florida will allow use of radioactive waste in paving new roads. It’s expected to make projects faster and cheaper because overnight crews will glow in the dark.

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A Delta Airlines jet safely landed at Charlotte Airport without its nose gear. “Got your nose gear!”, said a flock of passing geese.

Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly so disliked at FCI Tallahassee that she’s been dubbed Prison Karen for her constant complaints about the lack of vegan food options and her inability to get black hair dye. It must be bad because she’s the only woman offering massage therapy and not getting any takers.

Madonna postponed her upcoming tour after being hospitalized with a severe bacterial infection. She recovering, and issued a statement “we are living in a bacterial world, and I am a bacterial girl.”

Kevin Costner’s estranged wife is demanding $248,000/month for child support. Costner alleges that some of the money is going to plastic surgery, so his ex amended her demand to Child/Breast/Buttock Support.

Following the change of hosts from Pat Sajak to Ryan Seacrest, hostess Vanna White is negotiating a raise in her reported $3 million annual salary. So far, she hasn’t solved Sony Entertainment’s latest offer of Y__’RE N_T GETT_NG __RE __NEY.

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly cooperating in an investigation of Donald Trump’s attempt to reverse the 2020 election. Giuliani is being held in protective custody by New York City’s newly appointed Rat Czar.

Twitter is reportedly rejoining a group battling online child sex abuse. This, after the group agreed to pay $5/month for Twitter Blue.

The Supreme Court is set to rule on student loan forgiveness programs. It’s not certain how they’ll rule, but Burger King is reportedly flooded with new applications.

The World Health Organization is reportedly planning to announce artificial sweetener aspartame as a possible carcinogen, making it the 237th good reason not to drink Diet Coke.

ESPN announced they’re laying off as many as 20 longtime on-air broadcasters & hosts. It’s expected to save parent company ABC/Disney millions of dollars, and save wear-and-tear on the Mute buttons of viewers everywhere.

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The Bay County, Florida sheriff say he is “beyond frustrated” that nine people ignoring rip current/no swimming warnings drowned at Panama City Beach just this month. However, local sharks say they’re “beyond delighted”.

Nadya Suleman – aka Octomom – posted selfies showing off her shredded gym body, 14 years after octuplets shredded her delivery room body.

The United States Postal Service is raising the price of Forever stamps from 63 cents to 66 cents starting July 9th. They also announced Forever stamps no longer mean they’ll always be good, they mean your letter will take Forever to reach its recipient.

Ryan Seacrest will succeed Pat Sajak as host of ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ – dropping Levar Burton to 0-and-2.

Ticket sales for superhero movie ‘The Flash’ dropped by 73% in its second week of release. “That was fast” said producers losing their shirts.

Los Angeles Angels phenom Shohei Otani struck out 10 batters and hit two home runs before leaving the game against the Chicago White Sox with a cracked nail on his pitching hand. Several groupies offered their nails as a replacement, but they were two inches too long.

South Korea adopted the global standard for age counting – zero at birth, one year added each birthday – meaning thousands of Koreans are a year younger on paper. Mississippians purchasing child brides are thrilled to be getting 12-year-olds for the price of a teenager.

United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby blasted the FAA for their decision to cancel hundreds of flights due to storms across the U.S., leading to days-long delays for passengers. Nonetheless, Kirby said flight attendants are using the free time to train for inevitable in-flight fistfights with frustrated passengers.

A McDonald’s customer in Ohio found a nose ring in her Quarter Pounder, covered in what she hopes is cheese.

The first photos emerged of wreckage retrieved from the imploded OceanGate Titan submersible. Pieces will be examined for clues as to what happened, then given to the Smithsonian for their upcoming “They Ain’t All Great Ideas” exhibit.

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A critic attending the Glastonbury Music Festival in England last week controversially called Guns N Roses performance “the worst Glastonbury headlining set ever”..adding “…and I was there for Bananarama ’88”.

The Federal Government awarded $80 million to Philadelphia mass transit provider SEPTA to eliminate emissions from all SEPTA buses – not counting emissions from the riders masturbating on them.

Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said some delays in July 4th air travel may be experienced if passenger jets have not yet upgraded to 5G communication. That’s because pilots only want aircraft where they can text & fly.

New Jersey is attempting to attract more public school teachers by eliminating the in-state residency requirement. Mississippi is doing the same, while also eliminating the literacy requirement.

The producers of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse admitted they secretly distributed multiple versions of the film in theaters. Moviegoers aren’t thrilled to find out that at least two versions are The Flash.

Messaging app startup ‘IRL’ will be shut down after investors determined 95% of its registered users are fake. They consider 6-7% to be the success threshold for real users, matching the statistics of Twitter.

The Inspector General found “significant evidence” of misconduct at the prison where Jeffrey Epstein died – finding that suicide watch supervision was inadequate, and that guards should not have been giving merit badges to prisoners for knot-tying.

Stanford University researchers claim to have identified a new type of clinical depression, which impacts 27% of those diagnosed with depression and is not treatable with antidepressants. It is, however, treatable with a visit to Planned Parenthood.

Rosie O’Donnell is calling for the release of the Menendez brothers, who were imprisoned for the killing of their parents in 1989. Reached for comment, Lyle & Erik Menendez said they appreciate the support, but wonder if there’s, you know, like, a hotter woman to help them out.

Bad news: a man died attempting to drink all 21 cocktails on the menu at a resort in Jamaica. Good news: it’s an all-inclusive resort, so the funeral is free.

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Toy maker Zuru recalled over 7 million Baby Shark bath toys over risk of puncture wounds from its hard plastic top fin. They’ve also recalled their Adult Shark toys after several reported deaths.

Drug maker Novo Norodisk said its high-dose oral semaglutide pill – the same active ingredient as popular weight loss drug Ozempic – leads to a 15% weight loss in obese patients. It’s even higher if the leg that falls off is more than 15% of a user’s body weight.

A robot is collecting debris about 1,600 feet from the wreck of the Titanic, looking for pieces of the OceanGate Titan. Although so far the robot has only collected a lot of rich-guy pocket watches and top hats.

A missing Illinois teen girl was spotted in North Carolina after the girl’s illegal abduction by her mother was featured on Netflix’s Unsolved Mysteries. The woman who identified the girl is now working on the unsolved mystery of her ex-boyfriend’s new Netflix password.

‘Granfluencers’ – seniors who amass large online followings – have taken TikTok by storm. OnlyFans?..not so much.

In 1990, a man named Tom Stuker bought a lifetime air pass from United Airlines for $290,000. He has since flown more than 23 million miles, lost 40 suitcases and 6 dogs.

Khloe Kardashian posted a new selfie showing off her new short haircut – sending Hulu executives scrambling to turn it in to an eight-episode miniseries.

Viral video shows a Florida shark biting a man on a boat in the Everglades who’d put his hand in the water, dragging him off the boat. The shark was angry at the man for drinking a Bud Light with his other hand.

Kim Kardashian said on a podcast her favorite sex is “passionate make-up sex”, specifically, “make-up for getting angry over your antisemitism” sex.

Mexican authorities are reviewing a disturbing video where members of the Jalisco New Generation drug cartel threaten female restaurant servers with guns as they extort money from them. The women say they’ll comply, but it’s not their fault everyone is ordering $1 margaritas at the Applebees where they work.

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Good news, scientists believe they’ve discovered an antidote to death caps – the world’s most lethally toxic mushrooms. Bad news, the antidote is lima beans.

Honda is recalling 1.2 million minivans & SUVs because the backup camera may not appear on the dashboard, causing drivers to wait until they exit the vehicle to see what the kid on the tricycle they just backed over looks like.

Researchers believe hairy moles may be the key to curing baldness. They just need to figure out how to shave them off of guy’s shoulders & backs and stick them to the top of their heads.

Tik Tok’s Chief Operating Officer, Vanessa Pappas, is leaving after five years with the company. In other news, following her exit interview in China, Vanessa Pappas has been reported missing.

At the Louis Vuitton show during Paris Fashion Week, Lebron James rubbed Rihanna’s pregnant belly. Then Chris Brown rubbed her belly and the fetus got a black eye.

A medical expert stated that the catastrophic implosion of the OceanGate Titan submersible would leave no identifiable human remains. His findings were confirmed by several sharks who attended brunch together last Sunday afternoon.

‘Titanic‘ director James Cameron criticized the OceanGate explorers, saying they’d failed to “learn the lessons” of the Titanic – specifically, if you’re going to exploit a tragedy for profit, don’t risk your own life doing it.

Maury Povich is starting an at-home DNA paternity test company. For a lesser fee, he’s also offering at-home dance lessons to men who find out they’re not the father.

The Philadelphia Phillies and New York Mets will play two regular-season games in London next June – giving the United States’ greatest baseball hooligans a chance to display their talent to the United Kingdom’s soccer hooligans.

A new study claims having sex and an orgasm can help you fall asleep faster. The study followed 200 women who relented after their husbands kept them awake for two hours begging.

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Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg discussed a “cage match” battle online after Musk criticized Zuckerberg. It’s unclear if it’ll happen since neither man could trust that anyone would want to open the cage after they’re both locked in.

The USDA cleared lab-grown chicken for sale. Unfortunately, early batches have already been recalled due to contamination with lab-grown bird flu.

United States average reading and math scores dropped to their lowest level in decades, owing to classroom disruptions from the COVID pandemic. Department of Education officials became alarmed when they saw Mississippi’s test averages climb to 49th.

The FTC sued Amazon, saying they duped millions of customers in to signing up for Prime, made it difficult for Prime customers to disconnect, and caused untold pain & suffering to husbands having to watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel with their wives.

None of the 10 Most Liveable Cities in the world – as ranked by the Economist Intelligence Unit – are in the U.S. However, all 10 of the same organization’s Most Dieable Cities are in the U.S., topped by Chicago & Philadelphia.

A hail storm at Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado injured 100 people there to watch a Louis Tomlinson concert, but who ended up seeing The Stones instead.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene called fellow GOP Representative Lauren Boebert “a little bitch” on the House floor. Asked about it, Boebert said “I’m not in middle school” – since she dropped out of the sixth grade.

A new study claims men with longer noses have bigger penises. Cyrano de Bergerac is being rewritten as a one-act play where Roxanne just gets with him right away.

Eroxon, a topical stimulant gel for treatment of erectile dysfuncton, was approved by the FDA. Just open the tube and rub it on the affected area 200 times.

Indicted Congressman George Santos may soon be forced to disclose who posted his $500,000 bail for fraud. Santos has refused, saying that’s a private matter between him and Bruce Wayne.