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Spirit Airlines put an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight out of Philadelphia. Spirit announced they’re discontinuing their ‘Home Alone: Lost In Orlando’ fare sale.

For his part, the 6-year-old told Florida State Police he was just happy to be out of Philadelphia.

General Motors announced the Cadillac Celestiq – a hand-built fully-electric vehicle costing $300,000, made to appeal to environmentally-conscious pimps.

Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny wrote a letter saying he’d been moved to a penal colony in Siberia. He said he’s given one daily hour of outdoor recreation, followed by four hours of treatment for frostbite.

Beyonce’s former childhood home in Houston suffered minor fire damage on Christmas morning. The fire was quickly extinguished by members of Color Me Badd working their new jobs.

Microsoft launched its Copilot AI app for Android phones, just in time for Arizona State students to ask it to write their spring semester term papers.

Donald Trump posted Christmas messages to social media, telling his opponents to “ROT IN HELL”. Coincidentally, ROTINHELL is also the discount code for tickets to the Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve party.

A same-sex nativity scene in Italy, depicting the baby Jesus with two mothers, was slammed as ‘blasphemous’ by the same people who would have you believe one of the women got knocked up without having sex at all.

A new study evalutes the viability of launching a nuclear explosive “millions of miles” into space to prevent an asteroid from striking Earth. People living near the SpaceX launch site just want time to get the hell out of town in case things go sideways.

Sonja Semyonova, a Canadian woman, calls herself an ‘ecosexual’ and claims to be in love with an oak tree. “Me too” said a Canadian guy standing next to a knothole on the other side of the tree.

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President Trump defended comments saying he’d accept dirt on a political rival from a foreign power, tweeting that he meets many international leaders, including the ‘Prince of Whales’ – the guy who won that Sumo tournament he watched in Japan.

The St. Louis Blues are National Hockey League champions after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their playoff final. President Trump is expected to invite the team to the White House, including their newest star, Stanley Cupp.

Amanda Knox visited Italy for the first time since her 2011 acquittal of murdering her roommate. She’s expected to speak on a panel addressing media influence, and to admit that, despite spending four years in Italian prison, the food there is really great.

Singer Maren Morris posed topless for an upcoming issue of Playboy. She told fans “why don’t you just meet me in the middle?”…but was informed she didn’t get the centerfold.

You can now sign into your Google Account using iOS on an Android Phone. Try explaining that to your Dad.

Paul McCartney releases his first children’s book, ‘Hey Granddude’ in September. It’s about kids and grandparents having fun. His first manuscript ‘Grandpa Married & Divorced A Woman With a Prosthetic Leg’ was rejected by publishers.

American Airlines flight attendants are going to court to protest an attendance policy  they consider cruel. If a flight attendant accumulates 10 ‘points’ in a year for unapproved days off or lateness, a human resources rep stands & points to the exit as they’re fired.

The owner of Bombay Grill in Utah refused to allow military veterans to eat there because they were accompanied by service dogs. He defended his actions, saying the dogs tend to wipe out the whole buffet.

A German state is shutting down its Facebook page over privacy concerns, disappointing the many followers of Das Kitten Videosen.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is reportedly pregnant with a third child, and the first she’ll carry in the absence of terrible golf puns.

The New England Patriots have filed tampering charges against the Houston Texans for allegedly courting Pats’ director of player personnel Nick Caserio for their vacant GM job. The NFL will review the case with both the pot and the kettle.

 

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A new study suggests that your body type – specifically, how you carry weight in your abdomen – is largely determined by genetics, and by genetically modified cheeseburgers.

Following a poor earnings forecast, Weight Watchers shares dropped from $37 to $25 on Tuesday. “Hooray!” said Weight Watchers members who don’t understand the stock market.

Honda is shutting down a car manufacturing plant in western England in 2021, resulting in the loss of 3,500 factory jobs, not counting the tea & crumpet people.

Boy Scouts of America troops are welcoming girls to join their ranks for the first time. Young women joining Boy Scouts receive a special handbook to ensure they know there aren’t Merit Badges for nudity and sexting.

According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, the number of hate groups active in the U.S. rose to its highest level last year. Hate groups are only expected to grow, following the New England Patriots Super Bowl win.

Reports surfaced that the Vatican came up with special guidelines for Catholic priests who fathered children in violation of their vow of celibacy. One of them is a $1.000 budget limit on the gender reveal party.

A huge winter storm is moving across the continental U.S., impacting up to 30 states with snow, ice and freezing rain. Experts call it “winter”.

After his sentencing to 45 years in prison for assaulting his girlfriend and setting their apartment building on fire, an Ohio man sucker-punched his attorney, breaking his nose. The attorney is considering whether to continue branding himself as “tough & smart.”

Drew Rosenhaus, agent for Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, said the player hasn’t made a decision about his retirement. “He’s giving it a lot of thought” said Rosenhaus, in what is believed to be a first for Gronkowski.

Nike’s $350 Adapt BB self-tightening smart sneakers are reportedly breaking for some users after an Android update on their phone. “Aw man, now I have to get new sneakers AND a new phone!” said wealthy morons who don’t like tying their own shoes.

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.

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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth fired her 82-year-old bra fitter, June Kenton, over Kenton’s book titled Storm in a D-Cup. There’s that, and the fact that they’re both too old to pick up big, heavy things off the floor.

Teens are putting Tide detergent pods in their mouths and recording it as part of the Tide Pod Challenge. Procter & Gamble said that people shouldn’t put Tide pods in their mouth; but if they do, they’re likely to get twice as many views as the leading bargain brand.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, scientists have discovered layers of water ice buried feet beneath the surface of Mars. “Ask if they have lemon” said a researcher from Philadelphia.

First Lady Melania Trump hired 27-year-old Reagan Thompson to be her new director of policy. Thompson is to advance Mrs. Trump’s signature policies including reducing bullying, helping children, and wearing white after Labor Day if you’re visiting a disaster area like Puerto Rico or Houston.

Saudi Arabia opened its first new car showroom just for women, in advance of the country allowing women drivers for the first time. Four women suffered minor injuries in a pileup at the ladies room.

President Trump repeatedly asked lawmakers attending a meeting on DACA/Dreamers legislation why the U.S. should take in immigrants from “shithole” countries like Haiti and African nations. GOP lawmakers co-sponsoring the bill replied:

  • For the great health care;
  • Because they need guns;
  • They were in line way ahead of the Puerto Ricans.

A malware bug, labeled Adult Swine, is causing children’s game apps in the Google Play store to display pornography.  A Google spokesperson urged Android users to avoid downloading ‘Pokemon Gangbang’.

The Las Vegas Convention center experienced a power blackout during the Consumer Electronics Show. No injuries were reported, however, Las Vegas emergency rooms were backlogged treating men who’d been tasered by ‘booth babes’.

A U.K butcher locked himself in a walk-in freezer, then used a large frozen sausage as a battering ram to break free. Asked why he used the sausage, he said he got the idea after calling his wife.

Abyss Creations showed off its new ‘Harmony’ sex doll at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show. The new version has swappable faces so a single doll can be two different women, a feature added after owners complained about having to take ‘no’ for an answer.