By |

An Obamacare rule requiring food-selling establishments to list calorie counts on menus and displays takes effect this week. Cinnabon and Popeye’s will list calories, but their menu boards read “You’d Better Sit Down First”.

Don Gorske of Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, ate his 30,000th Big Mac at a local McDonald’s. Gorske, 64, is a retired prison guard with obsessive compulsive disorder. He said one of the few days he failed to eat a Big Mac is the day his mother died in 1988, when they put a McDLT in his bag by mistake.

First Lady Melania Trump will unveil her policy goals this week, which are expected to include the ‘Separate Beds’ Policy and the ‘Adultery Voids the Prenup’ Policy.

Fifty guest rooms were flooded when a water line broke on a Carnival cruise ship. The passengers said it was the worst Carnival cruise experience they’d had since the last Carnival cruise they were on.

St. Louis Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina will miss at least four weeks following emergency surgery after a 102 mph pitch was fouled into his groin. The team’s equipment manager will use the time to develop a protective cup with an air bag that inflates on impact.

Researchers using radar scans concluded that King Tut’s tomb does not have any hidden chambers, and that he just hid hieroglyphic porn under his bed like everybody else.

YouTube removed hundreds of videos posted by a Ukrainian company called EduBirdie, that sold essays to students looking to cheat on their homework. YouTube was following up on complaints from high school students who received Fs on their ‘Moby Dick’ book reports because they were written in Ukrainian.

‘Avengers: Infinity War’ passed the $1 Billion revenue mark at the box office, which still isn’t good enough to make your cheap, lazy-ass friend stop bitching about ‘spoilers’ and go.

Gina Haspel, nominee to become new Director of the CIA, is rumored to have tried to withdraw her nomination. Critics say Haspel oversaw various torture programs while interrogating terror suspects – including waterboarding, and serving her homemade meatloaf.

Molten lava from the eruption of Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has forced evacuations, destroyed dozens of homes, and prevented Greg Brady from returning the sacred idol to the tomb where he found it.

 

By |

The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.

 

By |

126 pounds of methamphetamine were found and seized in a truck hauling Starbucks products in Washington state. Starbucks has delayed the Seattle test launch of the Caramel Mocha Crankuccino.

Katy Perry met Pope Francis. She was assigned ten Hail Marys for kissing a girl and liking it.

A judge ordered a 90-day delay in Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against Trump attorney Michael Cohen, citing Cohen’s possible indictment on federal crimes. Her attorney plans to appeal for a speedier trial, but just in case, Daniels plans to use the 90 days to shoot 120 new movies.

France’s First Lady Brigitte Macron said of her U.S. counterpart Melania Trump, she’s “really fun”, but “can’t go outside”. Macron was referring to the heavy security surrounding Mrs. Trump, but also recalled Melania becoming frustrated after 10 minutes of trying to pull open a sliding door.

A Vietnam Airlines flight crew was suspended for landing on a closed runway at Cam Ranh Airport, stranding passengers since the new, under-construction runway isn’t connected to any others. Several passengers called the delay their Vietnam.

McDonald’s surprised analysts with 1st-quarter earnings that beat expectations, and with at least two-dozen hot fries that spilled out of the container into the bottom of the bag.

Avengers – Infinity War posted $250 million in ticket sales on opening weekend, the biggest in U.S. cinema history. Cheapskates with Moviepass broke their own records sitting through junk after they couldn’t get into Infinity War.

Sprint and T-Mobile agreed to a $26 Billion merger, creating the world’s largest provider of dropped calls.

President Trump thanked U.S. Paralympic athletes for their performance in the Winter Games in South Korea, but curiously mentioned that the games were “tough to watch” – since he didn’t know the numbers for any channels other than Fox News.

One of the jurors in the Bill Cosby trial spoke to Good Morning America, saying one of the keys to his conviction was a 2005 deposition in which the actor admitted to giving quaaludes to women. And that one of the other keys was Cosby doing it about fifty or so times.

By |

Dr. Ronny Jackson withdrew from consideration to run the Veterans Administration after a string of accusations including inappropriate work behavior, drunkenness, and handing out opioids. After Jackson withdrew, this guy’s beeper went off:

trump-doctor

 

According to a Pew study, four in five Americans believe in God. According to a different Pew study of dead people, none of them do.

Actor/wrestler John Cena, promoting the Transformers spinoff movie “Bumblebee” in Las Vegas, told ‘Entertainment Tonight’ that the end of his engagement to Nikki Bella “sucks”. He added that getting to date other women “sucks less” and that he expects ‘Bumblebee’ will “suck”.

The library at the University of Utah installed a “cry closet” where students stressed out by final exams can hold stuffed animals and let out tensions. Or, they can just go to the far corner of the Reference section and have sex like normal people.

Southwest Airlines said they’ve encountered a “softness” in bookings following the fatality aboard Flight 1380. They’ve also encountered difficulty with people sitting on each other’s laps on the aisle to avoid shrapnel flying through the window.

A new study of e-cigarette users said that non-tobacco ‘flavors’ are increasingly important to both younger and older e-cig users, and that e-cigs increase the likelihood of actual cigarette use. The data  inspired the release of New Hawaiian Punch Marlboros.

President Donald Trump called into ‘Fox & Friends’ on Thursday morning to discuss “Leakin’ Liar James Comey”, Kanye West and Michael Cohen – but only after receiving assurances that there be no ‘Avengers – Infinity War’ spoilers before the 7pm screening at the White House.

President Trump said he was “too busy” to get a present for wife Melania’s 48th birthday. He claimed he got her a “beautiful card” and flowers. Insiders said the First Lady is looking forward to a ‘spa day’, which is the term she uses for any day she doesn’t have to see her husband.

Kanye West tweeted that he has an autographed ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, signed by President Trump, but not signed by Vice President Mike Pence in order to retain its value.

The House Judiciary Committee will hear arguments on Thursday regarding perceived social media bias against conservative viewpoints on Facebook, Google & Twitter. Twitter and Google have not said whether they’ll attend; Facebook confirmed that it will not be at the meeting, and that they’ve Snoozed Congress for 30 days.

 

By |

CNN declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party this Friday, citing the President’s continued attacks on freedom of the press. The party is seen as a time for reporters to mingle with administration officials, and to hear carolers sing some of the President’s seasonal favorites like “White Christmas” and “Blood and Soil”.

Melania Trump also declined an invitation to the White House Christmas Party, saying she has a thing she booked over a year ago.

A New Hampshire doctor who refuses to use a computer lost her medical license, but continues to practice because she never got the email.

Victoria became the first Australian state to legalize euthanasia. Soon, terminally ill patients will be able to box a kangaroo to their death.

Bitcoin topped $11,000 for the first time, leading confused, cash-strapped seniors to turn the pockets of their church pants inside-out looking for one.

Matt Lauer was fired by NBC News after a report of sexual misconduct at the Sochi Winter Olympics. The news was reported by NBC’s Brian Williams, who filed a story that he witnessed the alleged misconduct, rescued the woman and then won a gold medal in men’s alpine ski jumping.

The United Kingdom will allow over-the-counter Viagra sales starting in the spring. The move is expected to create hundreds of new jobs as middle-aged men pay teenagers to go buy Viagra for them.

Marvel Studios released a new trailer for Avengers: Infinity War — depicting Iron Man, Hulk, Black Panther, Captain America, Black Widow and about 20 other Marvel heroes checking their watches 90 minutes into Justice League.

ESPN is laying off 150 more employees, none of whom are Rex Ryan or Randy Moss. Come on, man!

92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury stirred controversy when she said that women must sometimes “take the blame” for men’s sexual harassment. Many reacted in disbelief that Lansbury was actually pretty hot-looking 70 years ago.