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Sales of barbecue grills are reportedly down because of an increase in meat prices. Violent incidents at backyard parties are reportedly up because of an increase in serving of grilled vegetables.

The Boston Celtics are for sale. The only bid so far has been rejected, from a group of investors who want to change the name to The Reigning NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers.

A study finds eating ultra processed foods causes a 10% reduction in life span. Lunchables now come with a discount coupon from Trust & Will.

Redbox declared bankruptcy. They owe $1 billion in debt and another 500 million in late fees.

Theme parks Six Flags and Cedar Point are planning a multi-billion dollar merger, pending approval from the roving gangs of teen punks terrorizing families at each.

Hurricane Beryl strengthened to Category 5, as it approaches Jamaica. Jamaica’s President, paraphrasing Bob Marley, told residents “every little thing…is not gonna be alright”.

Atlantic City, New Jersey officials formed the Boardwalk Improvement Group. The group is tasked with making a safer, more enjoyable experience for visitors on the boardwalk, and better drug deals and prostitution under it.

Pennsylvania fireworks stores are seeing increased foot traffic in advance of July 4th. Pennsylvania emergency rooms are expected to see increased missing finger, hand & foot traffic as well.

Harvard research shows Lexapro, Paxil & Cymbalta antidepressants cause the most weight gain – leading to the happy introduction of Ozempic w/Lexapro.

A social media trend among air travelers is “raw dogging” – flying with no headphones, video entertainment, snacks, drinks or personal items. This is also what Spirit Airlines calls Premium Class.

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Delaware’s department of motor vehicles is temporarily halting issuance of vanity license plates. The policy is opposed by the ACLU, and Delaware residents who say it’s now going to be a lot harder to spot douchebags.

A Colorado woman told police “arrest me now” when they arrived to find her male partner dead on the bed with his penis cut off. “Okay” said police.

PGA golfer Rory McIlroy announced he’s divorcing his wife of seven years. McIlroy denied her claims that he was seeking an open marriage, saying she misunderstood when he said he was getting a new swing coach.

A Pennsylvania man dismembered his roommate and left the body parts in 3 different locations. He said he fought with the roommate, and wanted to give the CSIs a scavenger hunt.

Palmer chocolate company expanded a recall of white chocolate products over a salmonella risk. The CDC warned consumers to return Palmer products, or risk death by chocolate.

Closing arguments in Donald Trump’s hush money trial are set for next week. Ongoing arguments are set for every time Donald Trump appears in front of a camera.

Marston Hefner, son of Playboy founder Hugh, said his inheritance was reduced after stepmother Crystal Hefner convinced her husband to modify the will. Marston calls Crystal a “master manipulator”, which Crystal agrees is right because she was able to manipulate erections out of Hefner before he died at 91.

Select Wendy’s locations are offering a bucket of 50 chicken nuggets, which they’re calling the Nuggs Party Pack, and which struggling families are calling Dinner For A Week.

Kyle, Texas failed in its bid to set a world record for largest gathering of men with the same name, as just 706 ‘Kyle’s showed up, compared to over 2,000 ‘Ivan’s who set the record in a Bosnian city. The women’s record is over 10,000 ‘Karen’s who took their daughters to a Taylor Swift concert.

Red Lobster filed for bankruptcy and will now be known as Red Ink Lobster.

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In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

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An Alabama man hugged 1,123 trees in an hour to break a world record. Other Alabama men failed after spending too much time hugging the trees with waist-level knotholes.

Newly-deciphered text from ancient scolls reveals details of Greek philosopher Plato’s final day before his death, with Plato allegedly having said “let’s give that new roast beef place Arbysius just opened a try”.

Comcast-owned streaming service Peacock increased prices, citing increased programming costs for the Paris Olympics and “because we like making money”.

Dave & Busters will now allow $5 bets on arcade games – and addiction counseling to people who blow their mortgage payment $5-at-at-time on skeeball.

Cannabis retailer MedMen filed for bankruptcy, citing $414 million in debt, and too many customers who took the weed and kept saying “dude, you know I’m good for the money..”

Harvey Weinstein is expected to appear in court to be re-arraigned on overturned sexual assault charges, despite a recent hospitalization. His spokesperson said Weinstein has cardiac issues, diabetes, and is nearly blind – making it extremely difficult for him to sexually harass prison cafeteria ladies.

A 2.6 magnitude aftershock was registered in New Jersey, as men wearing gold chains during sex took credit for making the Earth move.

Barbra Streisand was dragged for replying to Melissa McCarthy’s Instagram photo by asking her if she takes Ozempic. Streisand apologized, saying she’s known McCarthy for years, adding “wegovy way back”.

The LA Dodgers/Arizona Diamondbacks game at Arizona’s Chase Field was delayed 2 hours by a swarm of bees that landed in the netting behind home plate. A beekeeper removed them and determined they were Dodgers fans because they left the game early.

The families of an alleged road rage killer and his victim brawled inside a Massachusetts courtroom. Officials broke up the fight and the judge told them to go outside and settle it with their cars.

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Fired former Twitter employees are suing Elon Musk for severance payments. These Ex-employees are demanding to be paid like X employees.

Rice Krispies Treats edged out Doritos as the nation’s most popular snack, with voters appreciating how much of them remained stuck to their teeth while they completed the survey.

A guest at the Venetian Las Vegas hotel was bit in the testicles by a scorpion in his bed. He was treated and released at a local hospital, and saved $300 off the going rate for being bit in the testicles in your Las Vegas hotel room.

Millennials are poised to become the richest population group in history, with $90 trillion in wealth expected to be transferred to them from prior generations..if they can just hang on in their boomer parents basements for a few more years.

Bowflex filed for bankruptcy, notifying a judge with a 30-minute infomercial he saw on tv at 12:30a.m.

A new satellite was launched into orbit, with a sole purpose to track methane gas – responsible for 30% of global warming. So far it’s produced a detailed map of cow pastures and Mexican restaurants.

Comedian Nick Swardson was deemed too intoxicated to perform and was escorted off stage 20 minutes in to his set at a Colorado theater. Then they brought out Rob Schneider and the crowd asked if Swardson could return.

Ultra-processed foods such as cereals and fizzy drinks have now been linked to 32 harmful health effects. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes boxes are being updated with Tony The Tiger saying “they’re grrrrreat! for gaining weight!”

The family of porn star Emily Willis started a GoFundMe to raise $60,000 to cover her medical bills after an apparent drug overdose. They were going to start an OnlyFans but the nurses kept ruining the shots.

Viral video shows a turf war brawl outside of a Bangkok hotel between transgender prostitutes from Thailand and the Philippines. Police arrested dozens, who were then released in to the custody of TLC Network executives offering them a reality show.