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Spirit Halloween turned 40 years old, and celebrated at its newest location once the Bed, Bath & Beyond finally got kicked out.

A small plane towing a banner crashed into the ocean near Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. Even worse, the woman reading the marriage proposal on the banner said no.

A Maryland woman discovered she has at least 60 donor-conceived siblings – and boy, is her father’s arm tired.

Following Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce’s failed attempt to give Taylor Swift his phone number after her shows in Kansas City, Swift released a new single, ‘Ten-Digit Bracelet‘, bashing an unnamed “thirsty football horndog”.

Donald Trump has allegedly spent over $40 million in campaign money on legal fees. Lawyers now think that maybe they wouldn’t mind working for him after all.

In a tight U.S. job market, cases of illegal child labor are on the rise. It’s so bad, some Amazon warehouse workers unable to take bathroom breaks are urinating in their empty sippy cups.

99-year-old trucking company Yellow went out of business. Yellow operated in the Red for so long, they were turning Orange.

Large-breasted women are removing their bras and tossing them onstage at Drake concerts, including G, L, & H-cup undergarments. The women are thrilled at Drake’s attention, but some were injured by concertgoers stepping on their breasts as they exit.

A Japanese man spent $14,000 on a custom-made costume to make himself look like a collie, and went for his first public walk as a dog. Onlookers were unaware until he bagged and discarded his own stool.

A medical journal claims four-to-five minutes of daily “intense physical activity” could reduce cancer risk among non-exercisers. This is great news for men, bad news for women hoping the activity would last longer.

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A box of human heads intended for medical research was stolen from a truck in Denver. Police are offering a $2,000 reward – or, about fifty bucks a head.

The United States ranks 18th in global rankings solving Wordle puzzles; experts blame teen boys who repeatedly guess BOOBS.

Nintendo halted online purchases in Russia. Princess Peach is expected to remain Bowser’s captive for several more months.

Visa, MasterCard & American Express have ceased Russian operations, leading to long-awaited VIP status for Russians with lousy credit scores using prepaid debit cards.

NBC Networks cancelled drama ‘Ordinary Joe‘ after one season. The network said for Joe to be truly ordinary, he needed to get dumped before we really got to know him.

Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne are moving back to the U.K. Ozzy wanted to live in a place he could spell.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is engaged. And boy are his fiance’s wrists sore.

A missing Florida woman was found dead in her septic tank. Her handyman was arrested for murder, and investigators are amazed at the power of her toilet’s flush.

A Comcast executive in Pennsylvania is running for Congress, hoping to find a job that pays him to do even less than he’s doing now.

Pet retailer Chewy invested heavily in Bed, Bath & Beyond, with plans to make it Smelly Bed Bath & Beyond.

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Whole Foods CEO John Mackey said people wouldn’t need health care if they ate right. He then visited his friend in the hospital who’s battling cancer with kale.

Kanye West is reportedly divorcing Kim Kardashian’s ass – which is legally accurate since it has its own separate attorney.

Conflicting reports say the couple is not yet divorcing, but are in couples counseling. The sessions last an hour, then someone other than Kanye gets to talk.

American Airlines is banning all emotional support animials. American was then served with a class action lawsuit from a group of guinea pigs with Platinum Elite frequent flier miles.

Dr. Dre was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital for treatment of a brain aneurysm. His estranged wife Nicole followed in a separate ambulance, demanding half of it.

Bed Bath & Beyond released an initial list of store closures. Shoppers living nearby are advised to seek still-open stores further Beyond.

Scotland’s leader Nicola Sturgeon said with the nation in lockdown, she would block Donald Trump from visiting his golf course there to avoid Joe Biden’s inauguration. That, and the course is so broke the guy who mows the grass quit anyway.

The Joint Session of Congress to count Electoral Votes will begin at 1pm – preceded at 11:00am by Congressional Interns count of enough lunches for everybody.

Washington DC will see large protests in support of Donald Trump today, including Proud Boys, 3 Percenters, the NRA, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.

Lebron James wants to form an ownership group to buy the WNBA Atlanta Dream from defeated Senator and Black Lives Matter denouncer Kelly Loeffler. By “ownership group” he means the pile of money put together from emptying out all of his pants pockets.

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Share prices in Bed, Bath & Beyond stock plummeted to an 18-year low. Executives say that they plan to end their policy allowing stock purchasers to stack coupons.

Jesuit periodical America Magazine – which had endorsed the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh – rescinded it after testimony from his alleged sexual assault victim. Similarly, Highlights magazine changed Kavanaugh’s ‘Gallant’ status to ‘Goofus’.

A jet operated by the national airline of Papua New Guinea missed a runway at an airport in Micronesia and landed in a nearby lagoon. All the passengers and crew survived. The pilot said he thought he had more room because he mistakenly thought he was landing in Macronesia.

Holly Jane Akers, 31, of Holiday, Florida was arrested for hitting her husband in the face with a vacuum cleaner attachment when he wouldn’t help her clean. The husband told police that she hit him in the face with a crevice tool, and she replied that he hits her with his crevice tool all the time.

A “white hat” hacker said he’ll broadcast his hack of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page on Facebook Live this Sunday.  Asked how he can prove that it’s him and not Zuckerberg controlling the account, the hacker said he’ll post a status saying “I’ll never sell your personal data.”

Amazon is launching what it calls a promising new product to monetize Alexa — prostitutes with Alexa’s voice.

Over a dozen people walked out of a Wanda Sykes standup comedy performance in Red Bank, New Jersey when she opened with jokes about Trump. The walkouts were offered tickets to a future show from Larry the Cable Guy, but became even more insulted.

California authorities charged 17 people for robbery at Apple Stores. They’re employees who told customers that $1.200 iPhones are a terrific deal.

A Jeopardy! contestant proposed marriage to his girlfriend – who accepted – during player introductions on Thursday’s show. He didn’t present a ring, but he did give her $2,000 and a case of Aleve after he finished second.

Volkswagen announced a partnership with Microsoft – making it easier than ever to crash your car and your car’s entertainment system.