By |

The FCC certified the next generation of wifi. Soon you may notice a speed boost in the signal you’re stealing from your neighbor.

Denmark’s new animated children’s show ‘John Dillermand’, features a man with a gigantic, uncontrollable penis. It airs along with another new animated show about a paraplegic, ‘Mrs Dillermand’.

A University of Tennessee Chattanooga football coach lost his job after calling Georgia’s Stacey Abrams “Fat Albert” on Twitter. Said the university President: “hey hey hey..you’re fired”.

High-end rare-sneaker reseller to the stars, Benjamin Kickz, was arrested and jailed in Miami for felony robbery. He was not placed on suicide watch because the shoelaces are really valuable too.

The Buffalo Bills are reportedly close to finding a naming rights sponsor for their home field, currently called Freezing Cold Dump Of A Stadium.

KFC introduced the KFC Chicken Sandwich, which it calls ‘an upgrade in every way’ over its current Crispy Colonel sandwich. The new sandwich has 20% more chicken, or, 40% of the meat.

The U.S.’ newest national park is New River Gorge National Park & Preserve. Because it’s in West Virginia, it’s the only national park with a licensed concession stand to purchase meth and opioids.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos and Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao both resigned from their Cabinet positions. They’re the first two female Trump appointees to quit on the same day without also filing sexual harassment lawsuits.

Miya Ponsetto, 22, was arrested in California for assaulting a 14-year-old boy at a New York City hotel who she’d falsely claimed stole her phone. She may fight extradition from Los Angeles to New York, until cops lie and tell her its for an audition.

Boeing agreed to pay $2.5 billion in fines after lying to the FAA about the 737 MAX engineering problems. It’s the largest such settlement for airline deceit, at least until Spirit Airlines settles lawsuits regarding their claiming “it’s a great way to fly”.

By |

ABC introduced Matt James, the first black man on ‘The Bachelor – or, as it’s now called, ‘Da Bachelor‘.

Mike Pence addressed a rally for Georgia Senate candidates Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue, saying America will “hear the evidence” of election fraud in a joint session of Congress on January 6th, adding “and not from Rudy Giuliani this time”.

In light of crowded hospitals and ICUs, Los Angeles County is telling ambulance crews not to drop off patients with little chance of survival. Residents are angry that they’re calling ambulances, and hearses with Uber stickers are showing up.

Actress Emma Stone is pregnant. Longtime partner Dave McCary is believed to have provided The Help.

Harry Potter film actress Jessica Cave said her baby boy has contracted COVID-19, but she thinks he’ll make a full recovery thanks to an antiviral spell.

Wisconsin pharmacist Steven Brandenburg, who’s accused of deliberately destroying COVID-19 vaccines, said he did so because he believes they can change human DNA. Asked where he got his pharmacy certification, Brandenburg replied Hogwarts.

Fashion designer Alexander Wang is facing sexual assault allegations from male and trans models, who say they’re fighting an uphill battle on account of all the puns.

U.S. News & World Report awarded its Best Diet Gold Medal Award to the Mediterranean Diet for the 4th straight year. “Alright!” said a guy adding olives and anchovies to his double-cheese pizza.

The annual Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show – one of the cities biggest conventions – will be held virtually this year. I.T. consultants are raking in huge sums helping work-from-home strippers set up Zoom Champagne Rooms.

Outgoing Secretary of Education Betsy Devos penned a farewell letter to Congressional leaders – who sent it back for multiple spelling & grammar corrections.

By |

The CDC is meeting to determine the first recipients of COVID-19 vaccines – not counting the ones who keep it after the White Elephant gift exchange at the CDC office Christmas party.

After a large metal monolith was placed in a remote Utah desert and then removed, another has been found in Romania. Many believe the tall steel monuments are the work of aliens who don’t know how to find someplace cool to leave their mark.

‘Not Wanted’ posters of Ivanka Trump are appearing in New York City. Trump is reportedly planning to move her family to New Jersey or Florida – places that aren’t as prone to negative publicity.

On Monday morning, outgoing First Lady Melania Trump unveiled the f**king White House Christmas decorations.

Sean Hannity admitted to his Fox News show’s audience that he doesn’t ‘vet’ the content that airs on it, right before Betsy Devos made her cable television stand-up comedy debut.

Barack Obama admitted that he received national security briefings regarding UFOs, but wouldn’t say if he believed them. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is seeking additional funding for the Space Force.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly received an experimental COVID-19 vaccine. News agencies claim it was delivered from China, but Kim said he developed it himself at his remote Fortress Of Solitude.

South Korea modified its military service requirement so a member of boy-band BTS won’t have to join the Army on his 28th birthday. South Korean soldiers are bummed they won’t get to learn any new choreography for parades.

McRib returns to all McDonald’s locations on Wednesday, according to a McDonald’s spokesperson, and to the senior agent leading a Secret Service motorcade departing the White House at 11:50p.m. tonight.

A possible tornado damaged a Costco in suburban Philadelphia on Monday. A real tornado, not shoppers trying to score a $300 70-inch tv.

By |

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos defended federal spending cuts that would eliminate government funding for Special Olympics. Although insiders say a scaled-back plan is in the works to keep funding the games, while eliminating the pole vault and javelin events.

Rapper Cardi B is under fire for admitting to luring men to hotels for sex, then drugging and robbing them. She claims to have done so while working as a stripper using the name Cos B.

Actress Marcia Cross spoke to People magazine about her recent diagnosis and successful treatment of anal cancer. She was relieved to have avoided surgery, saying “..I am a big fan of the anus!” adding that she meant the body part, not the President.

An Arby’s manager was arrested for fatally shooting a customer with whom she’d argued and who then spit in her face. Arby’s is conducting a full investigation, adding that they’re experienced with restaurant fatalities, just not from gunshot wounds.

Marvel fans are debating whether Avengers: Endgame – with its reported 3-hour runtime – should have an intermission. Producers oppose the idea, although they may splice in a three-minute scene of Captain Marvel and Black Widow talking about how gross it is that Scarlet Witch was sleeping with Vision.

NASA postponed the all-female spacewalk, citing issues finding the correct-sized spacesuits for the astronauts. NASA is now rapidly training 60-year-old Korean women to take the next shuttle up there with a brick of chalk and some pins for tailoring.

Lilly Singh – star of YouTube channel Superwoman – is taking over Carson Daly’s 1:35a.m. NBC talk show this fall. NBC made the announcement so as not to alarm the six people watching.

Viral video shows Pope Francis withdrawing his hand as Catholics in line to meet him at a shrine attempted to kiss his ring. He eventually removed the ring from his hand and attached it to his zipper.

McDonald’s acquired sales assistant software Dynamic Yield. They say that Dynamic Yield’s software will allow them to change digital menu boards to react to environmental conditions – like more coffee on cold days, more ice cream on hot days, and just ordering 3 Big Macs when a large customer is breathing heavy.

NFL owners agreed to expand video replay review to include pass interference. As a result, a bipartisan Congressional committee has drafted a bill to make Sundays from September through December 25 hours long.

 

By |

Tom Brady’s son turns 16 today. He was given a big hug by his grandmother, who was promptly flagged for unnecessary roughness.

President Trump said he’ll ask each of his cabinet secretaries to cut their budgets by five percent to reduce federal spending. Education secretary Betsy Devos was the first to finish her homework, dropping her $10 billion budget by $50.

The Houston Astros were denied a two-run home run on a call of fan interference in their game against the Boston Red Sox, despite video showing that the fan did not reach over the fence to try to catch the home run ball. Boston fans said the Houston fan made a mistake trying to catch the ball instead of dumping a beer on the outfielder’s head.

In a new book, physicist Stephen Hawking writes that there is no God. And since it was published after his death, you just know that he’s right.

A report from the United Nations Population Fund states that 40% of births in the U.S. are to unmarried couples, most of whom are living together — at least for a little while.

Two ISIS terrorists got hair transplants in Turkey in an attempt to disguise themselves before heading to Germany for an attack. The plan was foiled when the terrorists became upset with the stylist’s color results and threatened to blow up the beauty salon.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo returned from Saudi Arabia, where he met officials to ask about the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi. Pompeo said he advised “giving the Saudis a few days” to investigate. The Saudis then ramped up their investigation with bleach, new flooring & wallpaper.

Facebook has a dedicated political ‘war room’ at its headquarters, where policy, security & legal teams identify and take action to remove misinformation ahead of 2018 elections. It’s intense work, so the teams take occasional breaks to relax and make money selling users’ personal information.

Baltimore’s police union expressed its displeasure at a Saturday Night Live skit depicting female Baltimore police officers sexually harassing a man at a traffic stop. Baltimore police said it was inappropriate, and wished it was a more accurate skit depicting officers battering a suspect instead.

Friends say that Khloe Kardashian hasn’t decided whether to break up with partner Tristan Thompson, saying she needs time to decide how it will impact her family and tv ratings.

 

By |

Gabby DiMarco, a woman attending a San Diego Padres game, caught a foul ball in her beer cup, then chugged the beer to free the ball. She took the next day off from work to look at the hundreds of marriage proposals she received on social media.

A romance novel cover model dubbed the “Beefcake Bandit” has been sentenced to serve seven years in prison for a string of robberies. He’s expected to spend a lot of time fighting off other beefcake bandits.

An Oklahoma man playing golf alone who asked to play through a foursome was denied by the men, then beaten on the head with a putter by one of them. His assailant was charged with battery, and two penalty strokes for moving the victim before hitting him.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos said that the White House’s school safety commission – formed in the aftermath of the Parkland, Florida school shooting  – will not look at the role of guns in school violence. Instead, the commission will look at ways bullying victims can learn to box or hire bodyguards bigger than their bullies.

A pastor in Ethiopia giving water baptisms in a lake to members of his Protestant church was attacked by a crocodile. The pastor died and the crocodile said grace before eating him.

Amanda Richardson, a high school teacher in Philadelphia, was fired for taking bribes in exchange for giving students better grades. She tried offering sex, but the students decided they’d rather spend the money.

IHOP — originally International House of Pancakes – announced that it’s changing its name to IHOB, and will announce the meaning of the B on June 11th. Most people are guessing ‘breakfast’, while execs say the restaurants will still welcome drunken brawls at 2a.m.

Two men attending President Trump’s patriotic music & flag ceremony – scheduled after he cancelled a visit from the Philadelphia Eagles – took a knee during the playing of the national anthem. One man yelled at Trump after the song finished and was booed, the other got no help finding his contact lens.

Former employees of Toys R Us are protesting because the company did not pay them severance when their stores were shut down in bankruptcy proceedings. The employees said they were supposed to get six months severance, but they didn’t get that, or even one toy that they picked out for being good.

Deb Haaland won the Democratic nomination for New Mexico’s 1st Congressional District, putting her on track to become the first Native American woman to serve in Congress. President Trump has ordered staff to research insults, since Pocahontas is taken.