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A bus driver transporting the Pittsburgh Pirates from Chicago to Milwaukee was arrested and charged with drunk driving. He was detained, then assigned to the Pirates’ AA team.

University of West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins resigned one day after being arrested for DUI. Huggins reportedly blew a 0.3-pointer.

A 21-year-old Florida law student discovered a loophole and declared eligibility for the NBA Draft in Brooklyn, despite having never played organized basketball. He won’t be selected by a team, but has already had sex with three different Instagram influencers.

The Ecuadoran woman who pounded on the coffin lid at her wake has died after a week in intensive care. “Ok, now where we?..” said the funeral director at round two.

In two weeks, six temporary lanes are expected to open on the collapsed section of Interstate 95 in northeast Philadelphia. In two weeks and 25 minutes, crews will remove the first jackknifed tractor-trailer in the temporary lanes.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker announced she’s pregnant with her fourth child and their first together. They haven’t yet trademarked a name for it.

Kardashian held up a sign at a Blink 182 concert reading “TRAVIS I’M PREGNANT”….as did two other women on the other side of the arena.

Ivanka Trump snubbed Donald Trump, posting a Father’s Day message only for her husband Jared Kushner. Tiffany Trump posted seven messages but Donald didn’t read them.

A fishing crew called Sensation missed out on a $3 million prize in North Carolina’s Big Rock Blue Marlin fishing tournament because the 619-pound marlin they caught had been bitten by sharks. The $3 million was awarded to a 400-pound marlin that turned itself in, then swam off to party.

A newly-divorced mother-of-three lost her entire $100,000 401k to a Tinder scammer who convinced her to invest it with him in a “pig butchering” scheme. She’s angry at losing the money, and asked that the scheme be changed to “milf butchering”.

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Experts refuted a report that Boston University had created a newer, deadlier COVID strain in a lab, determining instead that someone spilled Samuel Adams Oktoberfest into a petri dish.

A woman who had once faked her own kidnapping 13 years ago and fled to Disney World to avoid embezzlement charges is now accused of embezzling from her new employer. Her defense attorney says Disney World has gotten, like, crazy expensive.

Meghan Markle said that her time as a ‘briefcase girl’ on game show Deal Or No Deal made her feel like a ‘bimbo’. Producers of the show say they’re disappointed to hear this, saying they were going for more of a ‘hooker’ vibe.

Apple increased the price of its entry-level iPad from $329 to $449. For the extra money you get a larger screen, USB-C charging, and exclusive preloaded porn you can watch on the toilet.

Two Wyoming college wrestlers on a hunting trip were seriously injured when they were ambushed by a grizzly bear. Their wrestling coach joined wildlife officials in trying to find the bear, so he can offer it a full scholarship.

Barack Obama said Democrats need to avoid being a “buzzkill”. “Yeah, man, I can dig it, you get your Blink-182 tickets yet, Barry?” said his hepcat friend Joey Biden.

Netflix shares rose after posting better-than-expected subscriber growth, which management attributed to murder and cannibalism.

Passengers in business class on a United Airlines flight from Tampa to Newark shrieked when they discovered a garter snake on the floor. Workers removed the snake, who then berated gate agents for causing it to miss its connection to London.

A week after deleting her Instagram account, Britney Spears posted a nude photo on Twitter, saying “I have a premiere for a movie this week ‘THE LEGISLATIVE ACT OF MY P—Y’ !!!!” So far, ‘The Legislative Act Of My P—y‘ is getting way better reviews than her 2002 movie ‘Crossroads‘.

Actor Matthew Perry said he nearly died several years ago when his colon burst because of opioid addiction. He was placed in a coma and had to use a colostomy bag for nine months, which kind of explains why the Friends reunion took a while.

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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.