By |

Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

By |

Danielle Brigoli, now known as rapper Bhad Bhabie, bought a Boca Raton, Florida home in a gated community for $6.1 million. “Cash us putting our homes on the market” said her new Florida neighbors.

Travis Barker reportedly went to the grave of Kourtney Kardashian’s deceased father to ask his permission to marry her. He couldn’t hear the answer, so he rented a backhoe to move him closer.

NBC News is facing backlash after describing current Jeopardy! super-champion Mattea Roach as a ’23-year-old lesbian tutor’. She’s won over $300,000 and tutored multiple women on how to be better lesbians.

A judge in Brazil ruled Apple must pay a man $1,000 for failing to include a power adapter with his new iPhone. The man bought one online at the Apple website, paying $29 for the adapter, and $971 for shipping.

A Waffle House employee created a viral Tik Tok video saying she makes a surprisingly large amount of money working there – enough to pay cash to visit doctors after the free meals, with money left over for ju jitsu lessons so she can break up Waffle House brawls.

NASA’s Mars helicopter spotted what the agency called ‘otherworldly wreckage’ on the red planet. Which, on closer inspection, proved to be unreleased Nicolas Cage and Bruce Willis movies.

Twitter admitted overstating their audience figures for the past three years. Twitter users admit overstating their audience for as long as they’ve been using it.

McDonald’s is now stuck with millions of dollars worth of Russian food it can’t use, after a test showed U.S. customers aren’t crazy about Wolf Meat Quarter Pounders.

Apple opened its online Self Service Repair store, offering repair kits, individual parts, and – for a fee – an online chat with the Chinese junior high kid who originally put the device together.

Ozzy Osbourne has COVID – but denies catching it by eating the head of an infected bat.

By |

Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill is expected to be signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis. Mississippi is considering related legislation, ‘Don’t Put ‘Homosexual’ On Spelling Tests’.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview “I have the best advice for women…get your f**king ass up and work”. Kardashian was dragged on social media, but critics admit no one has gotten their ass up as much as Kim Kardashian.

Photographers captured Kourtney Kardashian kissing & grinding on top of fiance Travis Barker on a California beach. Kourtney said she was just taking her sister’s advice by getting her ass up and getting to work.

NFL Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders had two of his toes amputated. He was considering having a third toe removed so the ones remaining would be a Prime number.

Exports of Nintendo gaming consoles to Russia have been stopped, citing the thousands of deaths suffered by Mario in his war with Bowser.

Tiger Woods’ daughter Sam introduced him at his World Golf Hall Of Fame induction, saying she “inducted (him) to the Dad Hall Of Fame a long time ago.” His induction to the Husband Hall Of Fame, however, remains in doubt.

Elon Musk and partner Grimes welcomed a second child, a girl born via surrogate, Exa Dark Siderael. She and older brother X Æ A-XII, are now officially The Hardest Kids To Buy Personalized Souvenirs For At Disney World.

Courteney Cox claims she doesn’t remember the 10 years she spent on sitcom ‘Friends‘. Ironically, everyone who’s seen it is trying to forget the years she spent on ‘Cougar Town‘.

Congress’ new budget includes NASA funding for a new commercial space station in low-earth orbit. Or, as regular people will come to know it, the world’s highest Starbucks.

‘Black Panther’ director Ryan Coogler was mistakenly arrested as a suspected robber for passing a note requesting a $12,000 cash withdrawal at an Atlanta bank. Coogler was released, but vowed to close his T’Checking account at Wakanda Savings & Loan.

By |

Hooters servers are complaining about the chain’s new uniforms, saying the black shorts are ‘more like underwear’ and result in near-constant wedgies. A Hooters spokesperson said of the complaints “that’s sort of the point”.

Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker proposed to Kourtney Kardashian. Kardashian said yes after consulting with producers, and will get around to telling her three kids.

Actress Jessica Chastain agreed to nude scenes in HBO’s ‘Scenes From A Marriage’, provided her co-star Oscar Isaac “show the same” as her. Critics and viewers both expressed their disappointment with Oscar Isaac’s boobs.

A University of Wisconsin study showed mice placed on intermittent fasting diets lived longer – compared to mice given a diet of peanut butter, who died prematurely from a spring loaded steel bar breaking their necks.

The January 6th Commission is expected to vote on criminal contempt charges for Steve Bannon, leading to his arrest. Right now police are trying to find handcuffs with a chain long enough to reach around his belly.

Evander Kane of the NHL San Jose Sharks has been suspended for 21 games for submitting a fake COVID-19 vaccination card. Officials determined the card’s Johnson & Johnson vaccine certification was actually the sticker off a baby shampoo bottle.

Kidnappers in Haiti are demanding $17 million to free American & Canadian missionaries held hostage. Their churches say they have the ransom, they just can’t find anyone willing to go to Haiti to drop it off.

Federal agents reportedly ambushed Severin Beckwith – a Brian Laundrie look-alike -while Beckwith hiked the Appalachian Trail. Feds realized their mistake and released Beckwith, who resumed burying the girlfriend he’d murdered.

A new People magazine article on the late Mary Kay Latourneau claims she had regrets over her affair with a 12-year-old boy – mainly because there was a 13-year-old she had her eye on.

Megan Thee Stallion shared a photo commemorating her one-year anniversary with boyfriend Pardi Fontaine. Megan holds a cocktail glass between her buttocks as Fontaine sips it with a straw. She then twerked, leading to Fontaine requiring ten stitches to close the cuts.