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For the first time, the NCAA announced that they’ll provide payments to university athletes. Men’s football & basketball athletes were disappointed to lear that the payments will be delivered by direct deposit, and not prostitutes.

Doctors have developed a new blood test to detect colon cancer. They draw blood, and a dog sniffs it.

For the first time since the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed, cruise ships are departing from Baltimore’s harbor. To honor the tragedy, 21 Carnival Cruise ship passengers vomited over the side of their ship as it departed.

Nicki Minaj was arrested at Amsterdam airport on a drug possession charge – rebooting the old ‘Oprah smuggling 50 pounds of crack’ joke.

America’s tallest water slide, Rise Of Icarus, opened at Mt Olympus Water Park in Wisconsin. It’s 145 feet tall, and is staffed by technicians trained to use the Jaws of Life to extract swimsuits from butt cracks.

A 11-year-old fifth grader raised $7,200 to pay off the lunch debt owed by all children at his school. His next mission is to raise money to pay the hospital bills for all of the kids who ate the salisbury steak.

A new study finds couples who drink together live longer – since it helps them forget what makes them angry at each other.

Scientists discovered a potential link between tattoos and blood cancer. They urge people not to get a new tattoo to commemorate their battle with blood cancer.

Pope Francis allegedly commented on gay men not being allowed to train for the priesthood in seminary because there’s already enough ‘f*ggotry’ taking place. His peers were surprised by the language, but admitted the dude makes a fair point.

Bruce Springsteen cancelled concerts after losing his voice. He was sent best wishes by Bob Dylan and Motley Crue’s Vince Neil, who also lost their voice but continue to perform anyway.

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Starbucks says it’s redesigning its cafes with “persons with disabilities in mind” – so people in wheelchairs will find it easier to do drugs in the bathrooms.

Lionel Richie said leaving Madonna off of ‘We Are The World’ was a mistake – but not as big a mistake as having Bob Dylan on it.

Abraham Lincoln allegedly pardoned Joe Biden’s great great grandfather after he stabbed a man in a brawl. Hunter Biden is hoping his great great dad will do the same for him.

High tailwinds caused multiple transoceanic passenger jets to break the sound barrier at speeds over 800mph. Meanwhile, Boeing admitted their 737 Max 9 jets get their doors – literally – blown off at half that speed

Former YouTube parenting influencer Ruby Franke was sentenced to four years in prison for child abuse. Asked if she had anything to say prior to sentencing, she asked the judge to hit those Like and Subscribe buttons.

Tridentinosaurus antiquus, the fossilized remains of an ancient reptile found in the Italian Alps in the 1930s, was determined to be a fraud. Researchers determined the fossils dark shading was created with paint, and the reptile’s jaw shouldn’t have contained bubble gum.

Companies are increasingly using artificial intelligence to review applicant resumes. Although, since it’s a human resources job, it doesn’t require a lot of intelligence.

An alligator at a Nebraska zoo needed emergency surgery to remove 70 coins from its stomach. None of the 70 Nebraskans got their wish.

Almost every area of California is under flood watch. Many Californians are disappointed to find their homes aren’t worth more now that they’re waterfront property.

A horse was spotted running on Interstate 95 outside of Philadelphia. Police and animal experts eventually tracked down the horse and returned it to the owner along with $800 in traffic tickets and unpaid EZ Pass tolls.

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Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.