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Attorney General William Barr wants to charge violent protesters with sedition. “Cool it now” replied non-violent Black Lives Matter protesters New Sedition.

Burger King announced The Whopper is now made without any artificial ingredients or colors. Regular customers are relieved at having naturally clogged arteries.

Israel declared a second coronovirus lockdown, and added Yom Covid to their expansive list of religious holidays.

Jerry Harris, 21-year-old star of Netflix cheerleading docuseries ‘Cheer’, was arrested on child pornography charges. “Gimme a D!” said Harris.

Michigan confirmed the case of a deadly mosquito-borne Eastern equine encephalitis ‘EEE’ virus. They started testing after seeing mosquitoes flying six feet apart from each other.

The U.S. Postal Service reportedly scrapped a plan to mail 650 million face masks to Americans, because they were worried about how to handle the volume of follow-up thank-you cards.

Williamson County Texas deputies who used force on the job were reportedly rewarded with gift cards to local steakhouses. Unfortunately, a group dinner resulted in one deputy dying when others gave him a chokehold instead of the Heimlich maneuver.

Winston Groom, author of ‘Forrest Gump’, passed away at age 77. His box of chocolates ran out.

Actress Charlize Theron said on The Drew Barrymore Show that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years. “Now I make my move” thought the old guy who cleans her pool.

The popularity of online classrooms has limited in-person bullying. Parents who want their wimpy kids to build character now have to make beat-up dates with bored punks.

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12 year-old ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer is the new champion of America’s Got Talent, succeeding last year’s champion, then-12 year-old ukulele-playing singer Grace Vanderwaal. Producers plan to rename the show ‘America’s Got A Thing For Preteen Girls’.

General Electric Corporation is getting rid of its corporate jets to cut costs. Execs will now have to charter a plane, fly commercial, or befriend a rapper.

Archaeologists have discovered 75 million year-old fossilized dinosaur poop – along with a chiseled note from a Cro-magnon man threatening violence if he finds it outside of his cave again.

  • The poop contained crustacean shells and rotting wood, forcing scientists to reconsider their belief that dinosaurs were herbivores — now concluding that some of them dined at Red Lobster.

Ivanka Trump, appearing on the Dr. Oz show, said she suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to each of her three children. Ivanka said much of the depression came because of constant badgering from her father asking when she was getting her hot body back.

  • Responding to Ivanka’s revelation, Dr Oz asked her what postpartum depression is.

Apple said they’re working on a fix for the new Apple Watch Series 3, which sometimes fails to connect to cellular service while on unsecured wireless networks. Apple reiterated the important things are that they still get their money, and that purchasers still get to look like dorks talking to their watch like Dick Tracy.

To help fight the opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy said that it will limit new opioid prescriptions to a 7-day supply, but added that CVS ExtraCare loyalty card members will still get bottomless refills.

President Trump, speaking at a U.N. luncheon, referred to ‘Nambia’ — a non-existent African country — while praising its health care. A White House spokesperson acknowledged the mistake, saying the President was referring to Wakanda, and that he would personally apologize to the Nubian Prince T’Challa.

Melania Trump spoke out against bullying at the U.N. on Wednesday.  “Great speech” said Little Marco.

Rhode Island’s Governor said that the state will cover the $495 cost for DACA ‘Dreamers’ to extend their resident eligibility status, but that they’re on their own once they decide to wise up and leave Rhode Island.

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Lindsay Lohan tweeted that everyone should “stop bullying” President Trump. “Mission Accomplished!” said Melania Trump, declaring her long-awaited anti-bullying campaign a success.

CEO Elon Musk blamed battery shortages for slower-than-expected shipments of Tesla electric cars, claiming that batteries are even harder to get now that most Radio Shacks are closed.

QVC is acquiring Home Shopping Network, making it the Amazon of Old Southern Ladies.

New research from the University of Pennsylvania says that being the target of ‘trash talk’ can make you motivated and more productive. “I’ll say! How do you think we got that nuclear missile done so fast?” said Kim Jong Un.

Doctors writing in the Journal of Otolaryngology reiterated their opinion that cotton swabs should not be used to clean ear wax. Q Tips responded with a new ad campaign touting the benefits of nose picking.

President Trump is set to meet Vladimir Putin in Poland. Asked if he required a Russian-to-English translator, Trump said no, that he’s a smart guy and can read lips.

Melania Trump joined her husband in Poland, touring the Copernicus Science Center in Warsaw. She was presented with a 3D-printed high-heeled shoe by a student. Melania asked if she could return the shoe for store credit.

Madonna shared a letter from the late Tupac Shakur, which he sent from prison and admitted to ending their romance because she was white. “It’s not me, it’s you” he wrote, continuing “I hope that we can remain Thug Friends.”

Amazon.com is partnering to make and sell wine. The FAA has already reported a spike in drunk drones.

Ronda Rousey appeared on Live With Kelly & Ryan to promote her captaincy on the reboot of Battle of the Network Stars – a captaincy which ended in a first-round knockout at the hands of some kid from the Disney Channel.

The mother of a 2 year-old boy had to hold him in her lap on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, even though she bought him a ticket. United mistakenly sold his seat a second time. Although the toddler remained on the flight, United still dragged his teddy bear up the aisle and off the plane.

The owner of Hobby Lobby was fined $3 million for illegal smuggling and possession of biblical artifacts from Iran. He is also ordered to return the artifacts, just as soon as he removes the glitter paint and stickers from them.