By |

Britney Spears announced she’s pregnant with fiance Sam Asghari’s baby. But just in case, Kevin Federline petitioned for an increase in child support payments.

Etsy sellers are on strike to protest an increase in transaction fees. Sellers say the fee increase makes them feel almost as disappointed as someone receiving a gift bought on Etsy.

Following the planned closing of a K Mart in Avenel, New Jersey, just three K Marts will remain open in the United States. However, Steven Seagal will be appearing at the Grand Opening of the newest K Mart at the Kremlin.

Security for founder Mark Zuckerberg cost Facebook parent company Meta $27 million in 2021. $1 million for bodyguards, and $26 million for office workers to figure out his Facebook privacy settings.

A Belgian couple with 12 children named all of them with only the letters L, X, A & E. Names include Alex, Axel, Leax, Xela, etc. Then the woman got accidentally pregnant with a 13th child who they’ll name Floyd.

Elon Musk advocated turning all, or part, of Twitter’s headquarters into a homeless shelter since most employees are working from home. He’s not sure how big to make it, but he’ll start by housing 280 characters.

A self-driving electric taxi was pulled over by San Francisco police for operating without its lights on. The car then removed a Fleshlight from the glove compartment and asked if the cop really needed to write a ticket.

Google released the 100th Version of its Chrome Internet browser – then released the 101st version ten minutes later after a security breach in Version 100 .

In Cornville, Arizona, a javelina jumped into an open Subaru hatchback to eat a bag of Cheetos, became trapped, and knocked the shifter into neutral, causing it to roll away. A sheriff’s deputy opened the door, allowing the javelina to escape before later dying from eating Cheetos.

The Biden Administration will remove delinquency status from millions of student loan borrowers, making them ‘current’ and improving their credit scores, so they’ll soon be eligible to default on auto and home loans.

By |

Parents of Philadelphia grade schoolers are concerned about sending their kids back to schools where asbestos has been removed. They worry about further respiratory damage, because most of them already smoke.

Cheetos said the official name for orange cheese dust on fingers is “Cheetle” – as opposed to the orange cheese dust that accumulates in your digestive tract, which is called “colon cancer”.

Following Iran’s admission that they shot down a Ukrainian passenger jet, two anchors on the Iranian state TV news quit. They’re now searching for replacements to lead daylight prayers on ‘Good Morning Tehran’.

Mötley Crüe guitarist Mick Mars responded to rumors that he won’t be able to join the band’s summer stadium tour because he’s on his death bed. Mars replied “it’s really more of a death recliner.”

The feud between Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren continues to escalate ahead of the Democratic debate in Iowa. Supporters are hoping they can resolve their differences at a 5:30a.m. breakfast of Cream of Wheat and hot tea.

Japan’s upcoming Super Nintendo World theme park is reportedly one of the most technologically advanced attractions ever. Parents of misbehaving children can drop them in green warp pipes, where they’ll be whisked away to a time-out room to study for college entrance exams.

Airbus’ Beluga XL, one of the largest commercial transport jets ever, made its first operational flight. It’s capable of carrying the equivalent of seven full-size African elephants – as evidenced by the family of elephants who flew in it from Nairobi to Disney World.

The oldest material on Earth has been found in a meteorite, breaking the previous record for oldest material on Earth, found in a Larry the Cable Guy standup show.

The U.S. Homeland Security issued a powerful warning, telling users to upgrade their VPNs to patch vulnerability to hackers. They also warn corporate IT Help Desks to expect a huge cyberattack from employees simultaneously asking what a VPN is.

An archivist at the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh was arrested for selling some of the library’s most valuable treasures. He sold rare books and maps to a local collector, and the key to the men’s room to a homeless drug addict.

 

By |

‘Joker 2’ is reportedly in development. It picks up the story in the future when aspiring comedian Arthur Fleck goes on a murderous rampage after his Facebook friends reply ‘Interested’ & ‘Going’ to his comedy show but don’t attend.

President Trump addressed the media following Ambassador Gordon Sondland’s testimony during Impeachment Hearings, holding notes reading “I want nothing. I want nothing.”  The notes were from his stop at the vegan station in the White House Dining Hall.

Walmart is redesigning its fresh produce department in response to consumer complaints. And by “redesigning” they mean replacing it with Cheetos.

Category-leading hard seltzer brand White Claw projects $1.5 billion in sales this year. Budget brand Natural Light Hard Seltzer projects to spend about $1.5 billion settling liver-failure lawsuits.

Three black women watching ‘Harriet’ at an AMC Theater in New Orleans say they were racially profiled by managers who stopped the film and falsely accused them of having fake tickets. The women said they never received an apology, and that it was the worst Madea movie yet.

A sprawling storm in the central United States next Tuesday & Wednesday could cause massive disruption to Thanksgiving travel plans. People unable to join their families for Thanksgiving are wondering how to send a ‘thank you’ note to a storm.

Shania Twain accused country music radio of being ageist for not playing her songs or songs from peers like Reba McIntyre or Patty Loveless. She plans to release a new single ‘Cryin’ In My Tesla Drinking White Claw’.

Personal organization expert Marie Kondo opened an online shop, selling items that “spark joy for Marie”. Then Kondo looks at her sales revenue, and sparks even more joy.

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin said the group is putting touring on hold as they figure out how to make their tours more environmentally friendly – aside from the obvious solution, not doing any.

Rob Gronkowski joined the Los Angeles ‘Laker Girls’ during a chroreographed dance routine during a break in their NBA game. Several Laker Girls entered the Dancer Concussion Protocol after congratulatory head-butts from Gronk.

 

By |

Steven Spielberg is developing ‘Blackhawk’, a superhero movie for the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. It’s the first time that fanboys have had the opportunity to tell Spielberg his movie sucks before he even starts making it.

A boy asked Pope Francis if his deceased atheist father is in heaven. Replied the Pope, “I don’t know – was he hot?”

Senator Ted Cruz authored a message where he admiringly refers to President Trump as “a flash-bang grenade”. Meaning, Trump flashes porn stars and Playboy Playmates before banging them behind his wife’s back.

Roger Stone, a former adviser to President Trump, addressed the death of Barbara Bush by calling her a “nasty drunk”, continuing “(she) drank so much booze, if they cremated her…her body would burn for three days.” Stone posted the comments on Instagram in advance of his weekend induction to the Catty Bitch Hall of Fame.

A Monroe, Louisiana woman arrived home after work to find another woman had broken into her home and was still there, taking a bath and eating Cheetos. The burglar was arrested; the homeowner is still trying to scrub orange dust off of her bathtub.

Miguel Diaz-Canel was named the new President of Cuba after a vote in the National Assembly, narrowly edging out Pitbull.

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal, alleged to have had an affair with Donald Trump, was freed from a deal with National Enquirer ownerAMI and can now tell her story. AMI will also publish McDougal’s health and fitness tips in Men’s Journal and receive first-refusal rights for her book: ‘Yep, We F*cked – Here Are Some Fitness Tips’.

Slide Fire, the largest manufacturer of bump stocks in the U.S., will stop taking orders and shut down its website on May 20th. But until then, would-be mass murderers are invited to take advantage of its crazy inventory liquidation sale!

Crenshanda Williams, a former 911 operator in Houston, was sentenced to 10 days in jail and a year of probation for hanging up on ‘thousands’ of 911 emergency calls. Prior to sentencing, she addressed the judge and was defiant, saying she’d do it all over again to be caller #10 for Beyonce tickets.

Federal Aviation Administration regulators have ordered inspections on engine fan blades like the one which sheared off the Southwest Airlines flight, shattering a window and killing a passenger who was nearly sucked out of the aircraft. The FAA is still on the fence about the whole “smaller windows” idea.

  • A spokesperson for Allegiant Airlines said they won’t need to conduct the inspections, since their aircraft aren’t powered by jet engines, but rather old V8 engines from totaled Camaros.

 

 

By |

Former NFL QB Boomer Esiason said in an interview that he “most likely” has CTE. Esiason was responding to a reporter asking who provided his cell phone service.

The Washington Post reported the U.S. Intelligence Community’s conclusion that North Korea already has a nuclear warhead that can be fitted to its missiles. President Trump issued his most stern warning yet to North Korea in the form of the rare Double Dog Dare.

  • Trump warned that any aggression by North Korea would be met with “fire & fury”, before announcing the grand opening of a new barbecue restaurant in Trump Tower, ‘Fire & Fury’.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control said that reported cases of parasitic cyclospora are up 134% over this time in 2016. A spokesman for Six Flags Water Parks said that yes, it’s been a busy summer so far.

Cheetos is opening The Spotted Cheetah restaurant in NYC, providing ‘Cheetos-themed’ recipes. Though the restaurant will only be open three days, they expect to serve hundreds of couples their last meal before the guys get dumped by their girlfriends.

McDonald’s announced their plans to double the number of locations in China, helping the Chinese close the gap on the rest of the world when it comes to obesity rates.

The trial between Taylor Swift and a Denver DJ accused of grabbing her buttocks is underway; the judge told the jurors to respect the court and one another, noting that when it’s done, they are never, ever, ever getting back together.

UCLA QB Josh Rosen told Bleacher Report that football and school “don’t go together”. Asked to comment, UCLA Head Football Coach Jim Mora said “duh.”