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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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Experts say Philadelphia International Airport may be at risk of flooding from storm surges, based on its proximity to the Delaware River. Philly airport baggage handlers advise travelers to switch to waterproof luggage they can lose and steal.

Coca Cola is introducing AHA, caffeinated sparkling water. It’s a refreshing new way to energize your day with an elevated heart rate and headaches.

New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio faces criticism for a plan where criminals are issued Mets tickets as incentive to show up for court appearances. The criminals criticized the plan, saying they just wanted to show up to go to jail.

Tesla will unveil its ‘Cybertruck’ electric pickup truck on November 21st. It’s ready now, but they’re waiting on rear-window decals of Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

Two million pounds of chicken are being recalled. Whatever they call chicken at McDonald’s these days is not impacted.

Appearing at a Donald Trump rally, Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “it must suck to be that dumb”. Louisiana Trump supporters replied “oh, we know”.

Aventura Technologies is being investigated for selling surveillance equipment to the U.S. Government that was made in China, but labeled ‘Made in the USA’. It’s being called the biggest fraud bust in the United States since Dolly Parton. [..sorry..]

A report shows Marvel and Star Wars content is the most watched among trial users of new streaming service Disney+.  The least popular content is the Mickey Mouse Anti-Vaping videos.

Sexually transmitted diseases chlamydia, syphilis & gonorrhea have risen in the U.S. for the fifth straight year. The largest number of gonorrhea cases were found in Mississippi – doctors there say many patients don’t get it treated because they can’t spell it.

Oprah released her annual ‘Favorite Things’ list. Topping the list?…the money that companies pay her for putting their products on it.

A 51-year-old man was arrested for groping a Disney Princess at Disney World. The princess was shaken, but otherwise okay, although she said her seven dwarf friends do a lousy job protecting her.

 

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A passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Anchorage was subdued after running down the aisle naked waving his arms in the air. And he still couldn’t get a second bag of pretzels.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says that America has to get rid of Donald Trump. Introducing new Diet Coke w Heroin!

Chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea cases have reached record highs in California in 2017. Although the California Department of Public Health conceded that the data were recorded prior to Harvey Weinstein losing his job at Miramax Studios.

Researchers claim to have deciphered four dirty jokes that were hidden behind other paper in Anne Frank’s diary, and have asked Amy Schumer to admit they weren’t hers.

Actress Patricia O’Grady lived in a rent-controlled two-bedroom Greenwich Village apartment for $28.43/month until her death in March at age 84 after being struck by a car. Her landlord was unable to attend the funeral because he was dropping his car off for bodywork.

61-year-old ‘lunch lady’ Lenora Williams of Radford, Virginia was found to have embezzled over $250,000 from the city’s school system. Williams died unexpectedly in 2017, just days after collecting one final windfall from Taco Tuesday.

Rockport shoe company filed for bankruptcy, citing decreased demand from men wanting to look like time-travelers from the eighties who never get laid.

LaGuardia Airport in New York opened Jabbrrbox stations – 7-foot-tall glass cubes that rent for $30/hour. The cubes are billed as private airport spaces where travelers can work or relax.  They changed the name to Jabbrrbox after the public was frightened by their first-choice name, Sleeper Cells.

Facebook announced that users will be able to flag messages related to harassment, hate speech and suicide on Facebook Messenger. Although Facebook said content monitors who get sick of seeing too many flagged messages will just reply with a Thumbs Up emoji.

Facebook said they’d taken down 21 million pieces of adult nudity between January and March of this year. “Man, Zuckerberg, your wife sure posts a lot of pictures on Facebook!” joked a guy who doesn’t work at Facebook anymore.

John Travolta danced onstage with 50 Cent at the Cannes Film Festival, although 50 declined when Travolta asked for a slow song to dance to.